bowlingbun wrote:Actually, to me it sounds as if you are winning, so don't despair. She was never going to give in on the first day. By being firm and consistent, you are showing that you really do mean it and you are not going to change your mind (which you need to do out of respect for your wife, and her house). It sounds as if mum is beginning to miss you, especially having turned up twice in two days at meal times. Keep going the way you are.
bowlingbun wrote:It's all very well parents doing exactly what they want, be it washing, refusing services, etc. etc. but where does that leave the children who are themselves of pensionable age?
My postings were made in response to Audrey's comments about "dealing with growing old, our individual hopes and fears for the future; about facing the facts and implications; about the moralities as well as the practical issues".
I outlined my own moral dilemma as a contribution to the debate. I have four friends, all in their sixties, all desperately keen to ensure their parents live well and safely in their own homes but caring is an increasing strain on them.
Mum now has the maximum amount of carer support available, but needs me to do the things they want, especially property and money matters. My health is poor but my conscience won't allow me to put my needs first. My son with LD lives in his own flat with carer support, but he has been financially abused. I can't turn a blind eye to this. Since my husband died suddenly, I find being the major "Thunderbird" when anything happens very difficult, especially when I am not well myself. There is a real dilemma here. At the moment it seems that I can only support my relatives by ignoring my own health needs and my own aspirations.
Parsifal wrote:Elderly people are not children, bowlingbun, wherever did this disrespect for the elderly come from, the belief that they should be treated like recalcitrant children rather than trying to understand them and, heaven forbid, learn from them, little wonder that they resent it and dig their heels in. We all grow old, I only hope that we will be treated with more understanding and respect than than the current older generation.
Tony - I think you're doing really well, making a firm stand and showing your mother that she is not the only one with choices - you are able to choose when/if you let her into your home and under what conditions you will allow that to happen. You haven't abandoned her, you've just reclaimed your home and privacy back - well done. Maybe you're right and this is as good as it gets, but in time she will stop turning up at mealtimes so at least you don't have to endure unpleasant smells while eating. Have you thought of showing her this message thread? Do you think it would give her pause for thought and perhaps make her see things from another perspective?
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