At wits end with smelly 82 year old mum!

[Robert]

I think you have tried all reasonable approaches, Tony. I can't see what more you can do. I guess refusing to wash or take a bath can be one way of exerting some kind of control. Seems a bit weird but there is usually a reason behind most human behaviours, unless we are very unwell. A psychologist would explore what she gets out of this and would then ask you to reflect upon what other ways might she gain the same benefit apart from not washing ? Usually for someone to change their behaviour there has to be something in it for them - if only just wanting to please others or 'fit in'.

Does this behaviour not have any negatives as far as she is concerned, eg not being allowed to be involved in certain activities which she would otherwise enjoy ?

Yes, at the end of the day you may have to accept things. We can rarely change others unless they want to change, I guess. ( People like to nag me sometimes but I wont share the details here

Best wishes and don't give up !

Robert

[wifey]

My mother passed away 12 years ago aged 88 but we had problems persuading her to have bath or shower. She did wash though, preferring to use basin/bowl of water, soap and flannel. She seemed to be scared of "so much water" (bath) and no way would she have coped with face getting wet or hair being shampood in the shower. She grew up at a time when not every home had hot & cold running water and certainly not bathroom/shower room as we do.

You mention that your mum walks around - are her feet in good condition? Do you have anyong she would listen to who might "recommend" a product for "our age group" eg all you need to do is soak feet for say 10 minutes and you will be "walking on air" (No mention of washing but maybe later on .........)

[Shona Chan]

Hello

Sorry to hear about your mum. Our experiences with care homes has been extremely negative. Both local authority run and private in Enfield and Haringey.

They often do not follow careplans and certainly do not wash the residents despite putting on a show when families visit. When we brought her home, and gave her a shower - the water was black with dirt.

We had to remove our elderly relative and bring her home because she had deteriorated so badly there. The had treated her extremely badly. The Social workers were in effect spokespeople for the Care homes and the 'Community healtcare workers' rather than being advocates for the elderly resident.

She is actually safer in her own house. However I understand this is a difficult time for you and I hope everything goes well with you.

[Linda Wainwright]

its so frustrating i have the same problem with my own mother who is only 68yrs.every time we leave the house i have to dowse her with deoderants and perfume.the only thing i managed to get her to use is wet wipes.
good luck
Linda

[bowlingbun]

Many moons ago I was a social worker for the elderly. Bathing difficulties were very common, but pride tended to get in the way, unless approached tactfully. I would tell a fictitious tale about a lady or man I visited who said that he/she didn't have a problem with bathing but I arranged a bath seat to try for a couple of weeks, under no obligation. He/She could return it if they didn't like using it, but in fact kept it because they found, to their surprise, tht it was useful. This worked every time. My own mum now in her 80's,can only just walk, but she has a bath every morning, with the help of carers, thanks to a bath seat which operates with an air pump. It swings round so mum can sit on it, then the carers can help her put her legs over the bath. Then the seat lowers into the water, thanks to a pump, and the whole process is reversed at the end. I expect you mum just needs a bit of help in some way, but pride is in the way. Does her sister shed any light on her reluctance to wash?

[Tony Malpaso]

Its been a while since my last post on the subject of my mother who will be 83 in April. I have read all your comments, stories and advice with great interest but the situation has not improved and she is still stubborn, inconsiderate and uncooperative, but never nasty and as kind natured as ever. I suppose this is due to age related dementia or as someone suggested a power thing. About a month ago her left foot and ankle became swollen, not helped by the several miles she walks each day, but she wont agree to a doctors appointment, she would rather suffer. Her feet are in a terrible state with long standing problems including server bunions and mangled toes, deformed due to wearing winkle picker shoes in the 1950's & 60's. Three or four times a week she turns up at evening meal times and lets her self in without so much as a knock on the door. I cant refuse her entry, she is my mother. She makes her way into the lounge where she sits on our leather settee, I open the French door and the front door which creates a through draft and blows out the smell. She only stays a few minutes sometimes longer and never removes her mouldy coat and head scarf. After she leaves I spray the seat with disinfectant and clean everything she has touched. I want to give her a big hug and kiss but I find her repulsive. I want to invite her in for diner and I want to take her out for day trips and out for a meal, but she stinks. I am beginning to think she is testing my loyalty to see how far I can be pushed and I now believe this is as good as it gets, things can only get worse.

[Jacqui Coffey]

Hi Tony,

I read your last post and tears welled up in my eyes, My Mum is the same.

Its been about 2 years since her last shower and the pong is not nice. Its mothers day tomorrow and I would loved to have taken her out for lunch and get her hair done but how can I, I am ashamed of her and what shes become.

Jacqui

[Tony Malpaso]

Hi Jacqui
I visited my mother today and told her I will call at lunch time tomorrow, (mothers day) to cook her a chicken meal. She asked if the meal will be for both of us but the thought fills me with horror. I also would have liked to take her out for a meal with my wife and son or invite her to my home for diner and I know that's what she wants, but her total lack of hygiene prevents this. She never eats a proper meal and lives on sweets, cake and biscuits with the occasional sandwich. My wife keeps pushing me to contact social services for help, but I tried last year and they are not interested or there is nothing they can do. Its a no win situation that can only get worse and will only end when she drops in the street from exhaustion. Hope you enjoy your mothers day.

[Jacqui Coffey]

Tony, Good evening,

Believe you and me i understand everything you are saying. My mother is not diffirent from yours only in age. My mum is only 67. I am going to add a few things to this that I found helpped me but if you already tried them then sorry to repeat it,

Have you contacted mums GP?
Have you contacted AgeUK?
Would mums sister talk to her?
Would mum consider a home help?
Would your mum listen to your son?

My mums GP has been great and has made my mum go though every test she can give her but all came back fine, I have had to except that this is the way my mum chooses to live and god its been hard to except because she never use to be this way.

Diffirence between me and you is I live with my mum for now but I do plan to move her in to her own flat because its making me very sad to live this way and also I want to try to force her to take control back over some parts of her life. My mother does not go out so i do everything for her and in the home as well as work full time and try to keep a relationship going and I am no spring chicken.

If you want to chat more you can always message me as just sometimes it helps to get stuff off your chest even if we have to except there is no answer xx

[Tony Malpaso]

Hi Jacqui.
I have tried all your suggestions many times over and we just keep going round in circles, although your mothers GP does sound more supportive.
I took her a cooked chicken meal today, along with a card, flowers and chocolates which she enjoyed and appreciated. I told her she could have come to my house and its not that we don't want her or love her, it's just the hygiene problem. She made no reply and carried on eating her meal. So we carry on regardless until the bitter end, which could be many years away. Your mother may still have time to change her ways and I hope things improve for you both. Unfortunately my mother lost her way a long time ago and she no longer has the willpower to look after herself, she needs to be in a care home but she refuses to go.
Warmest regards,
Tony.

[bowlingbun]

Tony,
Just wondered what your mum's house was like? I knew someone long ago whose house was so awful that in the end she was sectioned under a Mental Health Act. This was in the early seventies, so too long ago to remember all the details. Do you think that mum would make any attempt to mend her ways if she thought this was a possibility? I don't really like the idea of a sort of a blackmail approach, but I really feel sorry for both you and your mum.

[Tony Malpaso]

Hi blowingbun
Her OAP bungalow is reasonably tidy and apart from the mild mixed smells of seldom aired rooms and body odour its not too bad. It helps that my wife and I clean and vacuum every now and then so there is nothing to suggest in her surroundings that she is mentally ill, nor would I want there to be. She deserves our best care and understanding at this late stage of her life, but its hard as she makes everything so difficult with not accepting or wanting any help when she so clearly needs it.

[bowlingbun]

Sorry, perhaps my post didn't read quite as I'd intended, didn't wish to upset anyone. I just find it a very puzzling situation, and was trying to think of a way of getting round the problem in some way. It really does seem to be an absolute "brick wall" for you.

[Scally]

Its perfectly OK to disown a relative who, despite repeated attempts, insists on being anti-social in this respect, and it is clearly a control issue. I think this is like having a child who refues to wash: you simply have no choice but to introduce clear behavioural sanctions, such as putting a note through the door, saying "If you dont take a shower, I will not take you out. I will come back in 30 minutes. Goodbye, see you later."

[Simon Turner]

Hi Tony

I think if you could arrange it, a home visit from her GP may be in order here just to check what may or may not be going on, it may be something it may be nothing.
It may simply be that mum has "given up" and is still quietly greiving over the loss of her sister?

Im afraid I dont really know what else to suggest.

I hope you can work this out though

Simon