Dont know how much longer I can do all this!

[Lady Tracy]

Where to start...
I am a 37 yr old mother of 4, and my husband who is 43yrs old has suffered from depression and anxiety/panic attacks for many years. On christmas day 2009 he suffered a stroke and last year he was diagnosed with ME. He is currently very depressed again and is suffering with extreme abdominal pain and this is being investigated. He is very moody and snappy and cant stand noise (not great when u have 2 under 5's).
I also have a 17yr old boy with learning disabilities (reading/writing age of approx 8-10yrs) who finds it difficult to deal with life in general.
I have a 15 yr old daughter with ADHD which was only recently diagnosed, who is in temporary foster care as we couldnt control her. It should have been temporary for 2 weeks respite, but she now wants to stay in care and doesnt really bother with us. Social services have been a nightmare and I wish we hadnt gone down this root.
I also have a 2 + 4 yr old who dont understand whats going on and why there sister wont come home. Why dad shouts and snaps and is constantly ill.
I am finding it difficult to hold it all together. I'm at breaking point and fed up of asking for help that dont ever happen. I have to care for everyone and run a house, have shopping to get and bills to pay.
I've just recently been to the GP and asked for a gym referral, so I can grab an hour maybe once a week in the evening to get out the situation! Need time for me...
I Need to find some friends on here who understand how hard it is to escape daily life as only a carer would know it!

[Robert]

Hello Tracy. Well I'm really pleased that you joined us here, although I can't give you any easy answers. Many of us here feel at the end of our tether sometimes. And the feeling of not having any time for ourselves is not unusual. So you are talking with people here who do understand what its like.

I'm pleased that you have spoken to your GP. Its easy to forget your own needs in this situation. Exercise can really help us to cope - though I am more into a gentle walk ! I'm not sure what other help you have asked for - Is Social Services involved in any way, I wonder ? It does sound like you do need more support, though getting it is easier said than done. It sounds like you have been asking for help but not much has happened.

Welcome to Carers UK Forum Tracy. I am very sure that you will find the support and friendship of other Carers of real benefit to you.

All good wishes,

Robert

[bowlingbun]

You need a massage, and some quiet time, the last thing you need is a gym referral, when you are already at breaking point. You desperately need some help from somewhere. I'm aware that under certain circumstances, when someone needs a lot of health care, the Health Authority will pay for care, I think it's called Continuing Care - perhaps someone else reading this will be able to fill you in some more. Does your husband have a Psychiatric Social Worker or similar? It's really important that your kids have some sort of childhood, as I'm sure you know already, they might be the best possible lever to getting something done.

[michael parker]

Hi and welcome.Hope you find the Forum useful and fun.You are clearly fully stretched and i know it`s not easy to find time for yourself,hope the Forum helps you with this.

[Booksey]

Good Grief Tracy you have an awful lot on your plate. Theres no wonder you are stressed.

Have you had a carers assessment? It can be helpful in identifying your needs. Mine resulted in funding for massage sessions which has been a god send.

Do you still have access to a health visitor for your younger children? If so can you talk to her/him?

I'm sure some one with greater knowledge will be a long soon. Please come on the forum and off load as often as you need to

Best wishes

[Tracey]

Hello.

Welcome to the forums.

You have such a lot on your plate, no wonder your asking for help.

Theres lots of friendly people here willing to listen and chat.

Tracey x

[Myrtle]

Hi and welcome

[mikefmail10]

Sorry to hear about your troubles but I think that you have found the right place to offload. Finding time for yourself, to be just you is vital. It is often easier said than done though! When I get over stressed I put on a piece of soothing music or one of my relaxation tapes and I try to get an hour or so of relaxation by resting on my bed and letting the sounds wash over me. I hope that you find this suggestion useful and good look in finding the really wonderful person that is you.

Michael

[Minnie]

OH Tracy, you have a lot to deal with, welcome to the forum
hope this site helps you. we are all here
if you need to rant, or somebody just to be there. Finding "me time" is very hard.
sending you HUGS
Minnie

[Lady Tracy]

Thank you so much everyone for all the advice and ideas for relaxation.
I asked for a carers assessment back in Sept/Oct last year and have heard nothing. I got asked over the telephone what I do as my caring role, which isnt easy to sum up over the phone, and was told they might be able to help by getting someone to help with the gardening. This doesnt sound like a lot, but would be so good. Not heard anything until the other day when social services phoned to speak to my husband, and because of our dealings with social services regarding our daughter and them not being at all helpful, and making matters so much worse my husband has now refused any help from them. I do agree with him, but this leaves me struggling to cope with it all again.
I'm not sure if I've even had a carers assessment. Does anyone care about me or what help I need? What does a carers assessment involve?
My health visitor has been fantastic, and she has been visiting every 2 weeks for the last couple of months and has helped us deal with things and make some very difficult decissions regarding our older daughter.
As for me time its almost impossible. I get a couple of hrs in the evening when the little ones are in bed and spend most of that time doing household paper work, or helping my teenage son.
Then when I go to bed the night shift begins as the 2 yr old isnt a good sleeper at all.
I feel like my whole life is about me helping and caring for others, which I dont mind, its just really difficult at the moment.
As a child I cared for my mum who has learning difficulties and suffered depression and panic attacks, and my older brother who also has learning difficulties.

[bowlingbun]

The title of your post says it all. If your Health Visitor is kind and helpful, have a heart to heart talk about how you really feel, on your own if possible. It's all very well your husband refusing help, but he's got you. It's you that needs the help, not him. This scenario is all too familiar with me, both sets of parents were elderly and disabled, kept telling the doctors that my husband and I would do whatever was neccessary. We were never ever consulted about how we felt - we nicknamed ourselves the Thunderbirds, always ready at a moments notice to rescue them from the latest disaster (whilst also caring for a son with severe learning difficulties, running a business and a national club. Then I was ill, then I got cancer, and my husband died suddenly of a heart attack. Like it or not, you simply can't carry on like this. Someone must be made to realise how desperate you are.

[Dina Groden]

Lady Tracy,

I suffer from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome similar to ME. I have found out that I alone must manage my condition and that others cannot solve the problem. They only help by allowing me to manage my condition and not expecting me to do anything energetic when I am unable. I know this is not always possible especially now I have become a carer but it is essential that I do find time for rest. Has your husband had further help after the diagnosis? I you live in the East Anglian area there is a great team based at the James Pagett hospital. If not perhaps your GP could refer your husband to a local team. If your husband could manage this part himself, than that would be one less problem for you to solve.

Hope this helps

[aur3]

Hi Lady Tracy,
You are in that special category of caring for more than one (me too but not so much as you..!) In an ideal world we should have double support as we care for more that one...in the real world we seem to get double grief. I am also questioning if I did the right thing going to ss as they seem to add streess instead of help...no easy solution I'm afraid
take care xx