When someone dies

[bowlingbun]

Dear Barrowgirl,
I'm sorry to hear that your dad has died, it's a very sad time for everyone. We had 3 parents die in quick succession, and then my husband died of a heart attack. When you go to the Registrar to get the certificate, be sure to ask for 3 or 4, because many organisations will not accept a photocopy, only an official copy. Then write a short letter, with your name and address at the top. Dear xxx I regret to advise you that my father xxx of xx his address and date of birth...died on xx atxxx. A copy of the death certificate is enclosed. Please copy it for your records and return it to me asap. This can then go to the solicitor, the banks, building society, insurance company etc. etc. It's so much easier than going to see them personally. Don't worry too much about the funeral, allow yourself to be guided by the funeral director, my sons and I were like sheep, to be guided! When you go to the funeral, take some drinks to leave in the car, for you to have immediately after the service. Crying makes you thirsty, and you will feel so much better afterwards. If you a going to have a funeral tea or wake, get someone else to prepare the food for you. In this way, it's as stress free as possible. With regard to paying for the funeral, the cost of this can come out of a bank account belonging to your father. All you need to do is give the bank a copy of the undertakers invoice, and the bank will pay it from the funds available. You don't have to wait for probate to be granted etc. etc. Let dealing with the house and personal belongings until after the funeral. If there is anything else you would like to know, just ask.

[barrowgirl]

Hello again , and thanks for the replies.
Bowlingbun, my dad died many years ago now, sorry if I have confused you ! I was really asking as my mum is 92 with severe dementia (vascular ) and her mind has started to close down.We know it won't be long before her body does too.My dad died in a hosp but my mum may die in the home.It's bound to get confusing so your points have been very useful.
Lazydaisy , how awful to lose a son.Well, I know losing any relative is dreadful but you are so unprepared for that happening.
this is a useful thread which will probably help a lot of people.I hope it stays respected.
thanks
B.x

[bowlingbun]

I've just re read your first post. It might be worth getting in touch with the organ donor organisation re being a donor, as soon as possible, so you can consider quietly what they have to say. I read somewhere that they can use parts of the skin to help burn victims, and I believe that they can do cornea transplants enabling others to see again. I'm not suggesting that they take all the skin, but would take a small amount from an area which would not be seen. With regard to clothes for the undertaker, it really depends whether anyone will be seeing the body after death. Initially I said I didn't want to do this, but I'm so glad I changed my mind. I gave them my husband's favourite holiday clothes, which he wore a few months earlier when we went on a long holiday to Australia. I didn't want anyone else wearing them, so it seemed right that he had them on his final journey. I am glad that I went to see him at the funeral parlour, to say a proper goodbye. Of course I cried buckets, but he looked very peaceful. Anyone doing this should be prepared for the body being very cold. I would strongly recommend that you say your goodbyes properly like this. Others may disagree? If your mum dies at home, but her doctor has attended her recently, I don't think that a post mortem is compulsory. Perhaps someone has more knowledge than me on what happens in the UK (I worked in the office of a hospital in Australia, hence I know what happened there, at that time). I hope this helps answer some of your questions.

[Lazydaisy]

As with Bowlingbun,we went to see our son in the Chapel of Rest after he had been prepared for his funeral.It was the last time the five of us were together and a family and I do believe it helped us to prepare for the rest of our lives without him. We were able to stay for as long as we wanted without it being in the accident and emergency room we were in when he died.
It can be an option to have your relative at home the night before the funeral, but for my family it would have been too hard to bear, letting him go all over again.
When my father died,(17 months after my son),I was unprepared for the extreme emotion. I cried far more at Dad's funeral than at Rhys's.That still shocks me.I can only think that with a sudden death(of any close relative),you are still in shock at the time of the funeral.
I hope,Barrowgirl, that when it is time for your Mum to pass, that it happens peacefully.x

[Matt Carers UK]

Great thread idea. We already have some useful information on this website.

When a person dies
http://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice ... erson-dies
Includes Practical matters, The funeral, Dealing with the deceased person's affairs and Your own finances, benefits and housing

Rebuilding your life after caring
http://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice ... ter-caring

If anyone has any comments on the above content, ideas for additions or improvements, please let me know. You can contact me by PM or email.
Best wishes
Matt

[bowlingbun]

Sorry Matt, I don't know how to email or PM you. I've had a look at the relevant pages (didn't know about them either!) I think it would be helpful to say much more about getting the death certificate(s). When you register the death, you can buy as many certified copies as you like, I had 6, about £3 each, 5 years ago. You need certified copies as banks etc. won't accept photocopies now.

Having obtained the certificates, it's a good idea to write a general letter "Dear XX,

Then with the deceased name, address, and dob as a heading.

"I regret to ad vise you that my father/brother/husband died on XX at XX. Please find enclosed a copy of the death certificate. Please copy it and return it to me asap.

Yours sincerely,

(Your name, address and telephone number)

I think that the website could have a sample, perhaps which could be downloaded in some way. My mother in law, father in law, and father died in quick succession. For them, I went up and down the high street like some macabre salesman, repeating what had happened endlessly. My husband died suddenly from a massive heart attack. There was no way that I could explain what had happened without dissolving into tears, which is how I came up with the idea of extra certificates and a covering letter. It's so much easier with a copy to send, no explanations, no problems parking, waiting to see advisors etc. etc. Jill

You might also like to mention that the government now has a "Tell Us Once" policy for notifying them.

[charles47]

Hi Bowlingbun. The simplest way to PM Matt in this case would be to clcik on the "PM" symbol under his avatar and posting stats - to the right of the screen - on the post you're replying to.

[bowlingbun]

Thanks, it's a tiny symbol that I'd missed. Everything in life is simple when you know how!!

[Matt Carers UK]

Sorry Matt, I don't know how to email or PM you. I've had a look at the relevant pages (didn't know about them either!)

Those are great suggestions thank you!