Someone once said “What a difference a day makes” and how true that is! Just 24 hours ago, there I was, blogging away on the computer and making phone calls trying to sign business’s up for the Dementia Alliance, the next, a complete wreck!! Why? here`s WHY!!
A conversation about holidays began between Elaine and me, and I happened to mention I was so relieved when she said a while ago after the last fiasco up north, that we should try away days for the time being. I knew straight away by the look in her beautiful eyes something was wrong. Slowly and so wonderfully she began to tell me because of recent events with our family there might come a time when she would have to go back to Bolton to visit, and I will have to have someone come in to look after me. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing!! My heart sank so low I thought it was going to start pouring out of my toes. My hands and whole body started to shake and I was really having trouble understanding what else she was saying, this wasn’t good.
Now I know we have touched on the subject of CARE before, but never quite like this, the sheer thought of going longer than a few hours without seeing Elaine absolutely petrifies me!! We have NEVER, like many of us, ever been apart for more than 16 hours in all the years we have known each other. That’s bad enough in itself!! But the thought of this happening now, when I have dementia fills me with a worry I have never felt before!!! I pride myself on saying the only things that ever frighten me are my God and MY KIDS!! But this is so very different. Elaine tried to calm me down by saying “It might not happen for a while yet” but just the sheer suggestion of it made my heart race, my pulse explode through my wrist and my legs go week.
It’s like I am living two lives!! It’s like I have two brains!! One telling me that this needs to happen and it could possibly do the love of my life the world of good, and the other saying “I CANT SURVIVE ON MY OWN WITHOUT HER!!!!! I know at this moment in time, there is not ONE person who could take her place and no matter how well I know them, or no matter how many times I am going to hear “It’s ok, he will be ok with me “ IT just isn’t going to work”!! I couldn’t believe how bad I felt the last time when I had to leave my routine and step out of the Devon Border for more than one night!! I have it in my mind I can cope with one Night!! I don’t know where that’s come from, but I find that comforting. Considering our family live in Lancashire, this is not going to be an option. I also thought that after feeling like this last time it would be just a one off, but now I know it’s not, and the fear I feel about travelling a long distance for so long is so very real!!! For the first time for as long as I can remember, I don’t know what to do or how to react!!!
I cannot tell you how much I HATE THIS DISEASE at the moment!!
I cannot begin to put into words how much I despise this illness and ALL it entails!!!
HOW DARE IT make me feel like this and force myself and the love of my life to be apart for longer than we both wish too!!
WHO THE H**LL DOES IT THINK IT IS!!!!
When/if the time comes when this happens I only hope I am able to tell you all about it, as I hope, as with this, it helps people to understand THE EMOTIONS/FEELINGS AND MANY FEARS THAT MAY PASS THROUGH THE MIND OF SOMEONE WHO HAS DEMENTIA
As always, your thoughts on this would be appreciated,
Best wishes, Norrms, Elaine and family xxxxxxxxx