Child abuse, trust and alcoholism

[Benjamin Moore]

In a nutshell: wife has childhood abuse issues. Reading a book given to me by her therapist I increasingly understand the need for me to demonstrate to her that I trust her. The trouble is that I am pretty sure she has a drink problem and as such, in this respect at least, I don't trust her. I have no articulate question really, so: any thoughts?

[karenanne e]

so much going on for her, and you.

mum had alcohol abuse, she hid it everywhere, drunk at 7 am and didnt think she had a problem..walking to the shop in pjs for it, .. god help i could have swung for her sometimes, so drunk she didnt know what day it was..didnt care really, depression the cause, bored, nothing to live for noones loves me,..ect.. can hear her now..asked her, if she loved me and her family she would get help, help herself, numerous times offered to take her out, go to the shop, but the depression had taken hold so much, she was so low nothing mattered.

got the doc in, she had started to get dts shaking and talking about killing herself ,tryed a few times too... we tryed everything, every trick in the book, every pill, every book, every gp,every day was a struggle.

now.. things changed when i gave tough love. i forced her up, one day, nearly throwing her out of bed... told her shed end up in a clinic with noone on a ward with nurses and tablets no family would be allowed to come visit, got the doc to review the tablets, got a councillor to come to the house for a visit, every day i told her i loved her, on her tearfull days i just hug her for ages, then back to tough love... pills started to kick in, so she perked up a bit, but u have to get her out the house, even just for a walk, her mind has to be somewhere else rather than focusing on the abuse of drink.. buy her flowers, make a fuss of her.. small things i did every day made her feel special, i wrote her poems, just for her...left notes on her pillow, i felt angry dont getme wrong, sometimes swearing at her... but if u love her ... just do it. dont think about it... trust comes and goes.. but live for the day..what can i do to help her today. i came a vast second/third/forth sometimes.. but now... im first on her list. and shes first on mines. mind its an illness... she needs help, she cant do it by herself..because its took hold.. her mind is not what it was..its dragging her down, and negitive thoughts is all shes got... your the one that needs to be positive for her.. and show her positive steps every day however small.

hope this helps... this is only my oppinion, my story, how i coped and what worked for me. you gotta want to help her help herself, good days and bad ones. dont walk away,she needs you more than ull ever now rite now. however small the positive u need to praise that .

good luck benjamin.

[Beck]

If there's no trust in your relationship, one has to wonder if you have a relationship at all?

I've fought against trust issues for most of my life (my partner was scared I'd cheat on him) - in the end, it got to the point where I cut off all my friends that I'd had in the years before we got together and I no longer go out alone... not even to hang the laundry on the line in our communal garden.

The "life" I live now isn't nice - all my friends are online, with the exception of an old neighbour who pops round when my husband calls him to pop to the shop for us.

No matter how you look at this, you have to learn to trust your wife and she needs to demonstrate to you that she is worthy of your trust sooner or later if you don't want her to end up like me. If you keep up going down this route, she'll either end up like me or your relationship will fall apart under the strain.

[Benjamin Moore]

Beck- there is plenty of trust, I have absolute faith in her in many ways, just not with alcohol.
Karenanne- thanks for your story. There are some bits that are familliar to me and it was kind of you to share, your experience is instructive and useful.
Thanks to both of you for your responses, hearing from others is so important when you can feel as if you are in an isolated bubble trying to cope with things you don't understand.

[Melly1]

Benjamin, you say the book was given to you by your wife's therapist - therefore he is involving you in her treatment. I would therefore approach him with your question.

It might be all that is needed is to be open and honest and let her know that you are worried about how much she drinks but that in everything else as you say to us, you trust her implicitly.

The hardest part maybe keeping your fear/suspicion to yourself.

Melly1

[Benjamin Moore]

Melly- I should slightly clarify that the book was given to my wife to give me. I do see her therapist, as it happens, at a monthly survivors group she runs, but I don't think she would consider it professional to discuss my wife's case with me.
Having said that, you may be right in what you say, both the approach and that the hard bit is keeping my suspicions to myself. More than anything I fear that I have to leave her to drink, or not, as she prefers without really knowing what, if any, harm she is doing to herself.

[Alterhelper]

Benjamin,
My wife has had a very bad childhood as well and I found out she was all split up in her mind. She kept it hidden for a very long time and I don't think she even knew herself what was wrong.
Since I found out I swatted up on the subject of DID / MPD and I now know enough to help my wife a bit. It's still very hard though having to talk to parts rather than a whole wife !
There's been many many alters.

[Alterhelper]

Benjamin,
Does your wife have parts like my wife ? Does she act in childlike ways and have a cuddy teddy bear or something ? Does she show feelings or does she seem cold ?

That's what child abuse does to you !

No need to answer as the questions are for you to think about !

With child abuse you get dissociation.

If you find she does I might be able to share some thoughts to point you in the right direction as I'm helping my wife with it anyway.

Best of luck.

[crocus]

Hi Alterhelper
Not all childhood abuse gives Multiple Personality Disorder - it has to quite severe to do that. The problem is often hidden for many, many years. Is your wife receiving help?

[Alterhelper]

Crocus,
You must know a bit about this to respond like you did !

I'm trying to get my wife some help.

How come you are showing intrest ?

Nice to hear from you anyhow but I'm curious to know why you stepped forward ?

[crocus]

Alterhelper

I know someone with MPD and have been a listening ear for many years as she has stared to remember things. So I know about the level of abuse.

[Nenuphar]

I may be well off the mark, but I feel that anyone who has experienced emotional, sexual or physical abuse, craves positive interaction, as a balance to the negative 'singling out' they had.

[Alterhelper]

Crocus,
Thanks for sharing again. I will say that I've made it my buisness to understand DID / MPD so that I can help my wife somewhat.
I've been to seminars and found some internet links that have been good and I've maintained contacts for DID for some years and read a whole lot of books about people with DID and got some textbooks on it as well, and being from a church background, I've sought to understand the spiritual side as well and learnt some valuable things.
I just want you to know that I'm not talking out of the centre of my hat - that's all ! ( Is that the expression ? ).
I've sought to understand about intergration but I feel that there's got to be more to learn about this than anybody currently knows at present.

It's amazing what DID poeple see on the inside isn't it ? Their world ! And I found that you have to interact with it to be able to help and to be able to give encouragement.

[Alterhelper]

Nenuphar,
I pondered your comment about someone trying to reach out for positive interaction to counteract the bad childhood experiences or to make up for it.

But the thing is DID poeple are all split up and the different personalities are still stuck in childhood - genearlly speaking. They stay stuck at the age they were abused. Unless they receive help. And when they reach out they want you to interact in childlike ways. They want to show you thier favourate teddy or maybe would like someone to help with a jigsaw puzzle etc. And someone to talk to about how they feel and what they are doing etc.

Hope that helps a little and thanks for pitching in.

[Alastair Young]

As someone who has been there in the dark place of being abused as a child. your head often has no way of dealing with what happened. till the person makes the choice to do so.

Yes I was Raped by a friend of my fathers at 4, then Abused, raped and humiliated reapetedly by my own sister and her 2 friends. over the space of 5 years. Going to councilling only make you live through it again.

I went to hell in a bottle, heaven with a pill... neither helped the pain.

there are no blanket answers...we are all different.


cognitive therapy works for some regression for others, even confrontation.

still working on mine.........