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I'm just so exhausted

Posted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 12:19 pm
by Sarah_160912
I feel terrible writing this but I don't think I can cope with being a carer anymore. I'm a carer for my mother who not only has physical disabilities but a lot of mental issues too. She has had depression since I was around 12 years old, I'm 25 now and she's just getting worse.

She has "attempted suicide" so many times over the years and she decided to do it again yesterday. I don't think she actually wants to commit suicide she just either takes enough pills or alcohol to make a scene and gets me worried. No matter how hard I try she always finds a way to find alcohol or pills.

I quit my job 2 years ago to take care of her full time in hopes that I could help her but clearly I can't. She's no better than she was before but now she's completely dependant on me. I'm with her all day everyday and when I go back home at night shes on the phone either crying to me or screaming at me and calling me every name under sun.

I'm 25 years old, newlywed, and should be so happy right now but my mother is making me utterly miserable. Everyday she has a new crisis and I just don't know how to help her anymore.

I've had her in counselling, she's been on every medication for mental health under the sun. I spoke to her crisis team at the hospital again asking if she should be sectioned but they believe she isn't a danger to herself and she's just looking for attention.

Every other family member has disowned her and refuses to help me and now I don't know what to do. I don't know what would happen if I stopped caring and went back into work. I don't know how she'd cope. At the same time though if I don't do something I'm going to have a complete mental breakdown myself.

I would never do it, and I feel so terrible for even thinking this, but I just want to run away from her. Get a job, change my phone number, and move far far away. I'm so so tired.

Re: I'm just so exhausted

Posted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 12:58 pm
by susieq
The truth is Sarah that you don't have to care, there is no legal obligation for you to do so; but you, like so many others, have been brainwashed into thinking that it is the "right" thing to do - it isn't when your own health (both physical and mental) is at risk.

Certainly an update Needs Assessment for your Mum and an updated Carers Assessment for yourself would seem to be overdue. You need to tell Social Services that you just cannot do this anymore - you will need to be adamant that you are walking away - it won't be easy as they will try every trick in the book to send you on a 'guilt trip' to ensure you keep on doing the caring. It's not 'terrible' to want to run away - it's pretty normal really as any number of members here will testify to feeling exactly the same.

Have you spoken to her GP or your own GP about the situation ? Unfortunately no-one comes knocking on the door offering support - there is help out there but you have to find it, :(

http://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice ... assessment

http://www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice ... assessment

Re: I'm just so exhausted

Posted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 1:35 pm
by bowlingbun
Sarah, you do not have to care for her. The more you do, the more she expects, it's a downward vicious circle. Do you and your husband live with her?

Re: I'm just so exhausted

Posted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 5:48 pm
by MrsAverage
Hi Sarah
The only person who can help your mother mentally is Mum herself. She is an adult and has to learn to take responsibility for her own actions and her own mental health. She needs the help of professionals. Sadly the alcohol will have been having a detrimental effect on her brain cells and unless she takes action soon , she will only deteriorate.
No matter what you do, your kind caring is only enabling her to stay the same.
Nothing in this is personal, it happens time and time again. Check out the MINd and Rethink web sites as well as al-anon for supporting families of alcoholics .

For your own physical and mental health you need to reduce what you do for her to a level you, not her, are comfortable with. Perhaps a position as care manager rather than care giver, i.e. you oversee that she gets help but not from you.

Mental health and alcoholism is a long haul disease and you have your life ahead of you.Please don't let her lifestyle impede on yours.

Xx
MrsA

Re: I'm just so exhausted

Posted: Thu Jun 15, 2017 9:06 pm
by jenny lucas
You've tried to help her. It hasn't worked.

only SHE can make it work.

It is time to say 'Enough' and walk away.

Yes, it's hard to do, and you will feel 'guilty' but it is not justified. Her demons are her demons, not anyone else's, and not yours.

Talk to your siblings and other family members, and I'm sure they will say why they walked away, and I hope they give you the strength and reassurance to do that too.

You are, sadly, it seems, merely 'enabling her' and not 'supporting her' as she refuses to move forward.

This is her life, her choices. Only she can improve herself.

You cannot save her for herself - only she can do that, and she isn't.

In the end, difficult though it is to face it, if she DOES finally do away with herself, bear in mind that it will have been HER choice, and represents her sense of freedom, 'distorted' though that is.

I grew up with a mother with paranoid schizophrenia, and it was hard to realise that in the end, my brother and I could NOT 'make her happy'. We loved her, but that was not enough.

Kindest wishes, at this dark time for you, Jenny

Re: I'm just so exhausted

Posted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 12:24 am
by Frito
Dear Sarah,

I'm not surprised you're exhausted, you seem to be caught in an exhausting situation. I won't comment too much on your mum's mental health problems, but you seem to be describing some manipulative behaviours on her part.
It's very telling that you spend so much time with her with no real effect except her growing dependence. It reminds me of someone stuck in the sick role, and now desperate to cling onto it.

Regarding her abusive and manipulative behaviour towards you, it clearly shows distress on her part. This by no means excuses her behaviour, or means you are responsible for alleviating her distress. She needs to learn to self soothe, as all adults do, which will be difficult given her alcohol use. Are the suicide attempts historically in the context of alcohol use?

You need to extricate yourself from his toxic situation and establish a different relationship. You should go to work, but I think you need to start withdrawing your physical presence sooner rather than later. Your being there is not making a difference in her quality of life, as you have said yourself, but it is worsening yours. I can't advise you how to do this, or how best to deal with the increase in your mother's "acting out" behaviour as you withdraw. In terms of community supports, what provision is there for your mother?

Re: I'm just so exhausted

Posted: Fri Jun 16, 2017 4:44 pm
by sunnydisposition
https://wehavekids.com/family-relations ... ent-Parent
Does this sound like your mum..
http://www.bigelephant.org/signs-you-mi ... nt-parent/
https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-on-se ... tionships/
Its time for you to try and take back control.
http://www.womboflight.com/we-cant-save ... heir-pain/
I am not suggesting any of these links/articles are connected to your relationship with you mum. However, there maybe some understanding/reflection of your relationship together.