Tips for Newbie carers

[Sue_161212]

Do accept that no one else is going to do the caring for you.
Don't let it consume your life.
I've just spent a whole week with my Mum and her friend, another 80 year old, who came to stay with her, entertaining them and taxiing them around the area. We have very poor public transport. Every time I give as much as I can, it only increases Mum's need to see me, rather than lead to a recognition of the time I've spent with her, and then a reduction in need for a small period of respite for me. It also causes problems with my husband who tries to encourage me to take back some of my life. I feel pulled in all directions. I end up saying "no" to every additional outing Mum subsequently suggests, leading on from the last several outings we've been on, and saying "no" makes me feel bad, however nicely I manage to say it. It's a guilt trip from start to finish. Very hard.

I was relieved to know it's not just me! I've recently started caring for my 80 yr old Mum and her need to see me has increased too. Your comment made me realise that I do need to say no to her. But I'm sure you understand when I say that my Mum invents reasons to monopolise my time. The other day I got her a ready meal heated up but she said she wasn't hungry enough to eat it all and would I share it with her. I agreed but she says this often now. I've declined since because I get her meal for her in my work time as residents warden where she lives and where I now live too. Luckily she can't just pop down to mine because of her disabilities but if she could, she would. Today I've avoided her and turned my phone off and I feel mean. She cancelled her private carers when I moved to be near her and that's put me under pressure I can't deal with. She keeps saying she wants to pay me instead of them but I've declined because that would force me to be at her beck and call. I'm chucking in my warden job soon because there is no support and it's all too much. Anyway, we must try to not go on these guilt trips. Hard though!

[Sue_161212]

[quote="bowlingbun"]Hi Caroline, I had counselling to help with my mum's demands, she was housebound, had lots of people going in and out to support her, whilst I was disabled, and had a son with severe learning difficulties. She would save jobs for me!!
Counselling taught me how to avoid using the word no too much. So after a week of being a taxi driver/hostess, I would say that I hadn't done anything at home, so let me catch up on my jobs, and we'll go out again soon. So no promises as to when and where whatsoever. Next time, could they stay in a hotel somewhere together? Then they would have all their needs attended to, gossip non stop, without involving you?
The more you do the more you will be expected to do, so gradually reduce what you do. Write down everything you do for mum in the next week, then work out the three jobs which irritate you most, and share them with us. Someone else will already have met the same issue, and may have found a solution. Top of my list of jobs avoidance tips are a dishwasher, a washer/dryer, and doing away with all flower borders.


Hi. Who did you go to for counselling? I could do with some. You gave good advice. I can tell you that in my case, with my 80 year old mother, it isn't actual jobs that irritate me, it's her behaviour - her repeating herself, her acting confused like she can't remember stuff and getting confused. Worst of all is that she constantly complains about noise from neighbours upstairs (just them walking about in their flat. The floors are concrete on wood joists, nothing can be done) but Mum retaliates by shouting out, swearing, banging things and turning her tv up stupidly loud. She also complains every day about many ailments. It's draining. I feel like I'm having the life sucked out of me and think I've made a big mistake.

[bowlingbun]

Ask your doctor who can help, or maybe your local carers group. I had some free through a charity, but was never told I only had a limited number of sessions, and then the counsellor left! Now I use someone recommended by the GP, now costs £30, but it was either that or a breakdown.
Can you work out your biggest triggers? I know I'm really horrible when I'm tired (I have some health issues) so when I'm tired, I stop working so hard. 48 hours of doing very little, often paperwork, as that needs no energy, and I'm feeling better. Otherwise I go away for a few days, and always take 2 x 2 week holidays a year.

[Leesa_1706]

That's a great information for newbie carers. Thanks for sharing it.


commercial link in signature removed by moderator

[bowlingbun]

I never wanted to be a carer, but I'm now 65, supported TEN different members of the family through the years, from new born to 87! At one stage all four parents and son with learning difficulties all entitled to highest DLA care. I hope that by sharing my experiences I can help others avoid all the mistakes I made!!

[amanda_17061234]

Do accept that no one else is going to do the caring for you.
Don't let it consume your life.
I've just spent a whole week with my Mum and her friend, another 80 year old, who came to stay with her, entertaining them and taxiing them around the area. We have very poor public transport. Every time I give as much as I can, it only increases Mum's need to see me, rather than lead to a recognition of the time I've spent with her, and then a reduction in need for a small period of respite for me. It also causes problems with my husband who tries to encourage me to take back some of my life. I feel pulled in all directions. I end up saying "no" to every additional outing Mum subsequently suggests, leading on from the last several outings we've been on, and saying "no" makes me feel bad, however nicely I manage to say it. It's a guilt trip from start to finish. Very hard.

Hello,
Its very hard saying No isnt it? my mum has got so attached to me , i am the only child too so all on my shoulders. This has helped though so Thank you x

[Andrew_170512]

Wonderful tips. One more tip is to look after yourself. It’s all too easy to forget to maintain your own health and wellbeing. You matter too as an emergency day care. As an Carers, you can go online, get in touch with other carers and seek advice.

[jenny lucas]

If your caree doesn't live with you, then get into a routine that allows you time with the caree, and time with yourself, and stick to that routine. Even if you have to pop in every day to see to the 'chore' aspect of caring, eg, helping them get up, showered, take meds, whatever, keep that 'separate' from your 'companion caring' time.

So, on a 'chore-day' you go in and do the chores, and then if there are any requests or expectations for 'companion time' you remind the caree that 'I'll be in properly tomorrow/Wed/whenever, and we'll do that then, Mum.'

If you have a set day for 'going out' eg, car drive, taking them shopping, then they have the reassurance of knowing that yes, you will be with them then, and they can pleasantly anticipate it and rely on it, and it keeps YOU in control of what happens.

So, you are not saying 'no' to them, you are assigning whatever they want to the 'set days' that are your companion caring days.

You do need to stick to those 'set days' though, as, like with a child, they need to be able to trust you and rely on you, so you can't wriggle out of it, unless there is a real 'outside emergency reason' (eg, plumber arriving with you that companion caring day!), and then you MUST 're-set' the day, ie, say 'It's going to be tomorrow now, mum, sorry about that, but I had to grab the plumber when he said he could, you know what it's like getting hold of them!'

Think of yourself as the parent of a child - you are kind, you are loving, you give time and attention and 'treats' etc, but they are at YOUR timing, not theirs.

Routine is good, just as it is for children, but as I say, you, too, must be reliable.

In all, make nice memories of your time with them against the day when outings are no longer possible, for example, and if dementia is in the frame, then, alas, you have to make even more of the time you have with them while they are still 'them'.

But, key message - when it comes to elder caring, YOU have to be the 'grown up', not them. BUT, with that role comes responsibilities to be considerate of their feelings, and let them be the 'parent' (ie, call the shots, be 'right', be 'the expert' etc etc) over the 'little things'. Give in on things that don't matter too much. After all, we would hate to be overly 'bossed about' by our own children when we are old ourselves, wouldn't we?!!

Stick to the 'big victories' but let your parents keep their dignity and their self-respect.

[bowlingbun]

Counselling taught me all sorts of coping/managing strategies. Mum kept dreaming up jobs for me, the faster I did them the faster they came at me. So I chose the one I felt was most important, and insisted on finishing it "You said this was really important mum, so let's get this done first..." Once you realise how to control the work, it's so much easier.