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Hi, i am a unpaid carer to my fiance who has aspergers, I'm struggling to cope as i have had no help from anywhere and all the mental health services have let us down around our area, i feel hopeless and let down and i just want advice on how to deal with his meltdowns etc.
Thank you :)
Danielle, think carefully about your dreams for the future. Are they ever going to come true with your fiancée?

What triggers a "meltdown"? What does he say or do when he's having one? How old is he, and can he work? Sorry for the questions, but it will make it easier to respond better to your question of how to deal with him.
Sadly, with meltdowns (I'm assuming this is a display of 'volcanic rage'???) sometimes the only thing to do is walk away - ie, remove yourself from the situation.

Is there a safeguarding issue for him when he has a meltdown? ie, is he at risk either to himself (eg, might inflict self-violence) or to you? That is far more serious alas, and perhaps then you have to report this to his GP, and yours, if they are different.

I would suspect that any attempt to 'reason' with him will be pointless - he's on a bender, and that's that!

How long do they last? What, as BB says, tends to trigger them, what ends them, is there any 'aftermath' and most important of all how frequent are they and what is he like towards you when he isn't having one!

These will indicate whether, sadly, there is 'enough worth staying for'.....the frequency, severity and 'consequences' of them (ie, does he start blaming you, criticising you, verbally lashing out at you, etc etc) could be such that a long term relationship is simply impossible.....for example, could you have children with this man, or is his behaviour such that it would be grossly unfair on a child to grow up with such a dad.....

I would personally argue that the way he is with you when he's NOT in a meltdown is crucial - if he is warm and loving (as demonstrative as someone with Asbergers is capable of, that is - and that in itself can be a source of huge tension in a relationship, alas) then he could well be worth 'investing' in, but at some point you really do have to think 'Is it fair on ME to spend my life with this man, however much I love him, and pity him'.....

It's not easy, alas. Love can go a LONG way to supporting a relationship where any form of 'illhealth' (however defined!) is involved, but it doesn't necessary go 'all the way' .....nor should it. Like I say, your life is important too, just as important as his.

Wishing you well in a difficult situation -
PS - one of the things it's vital to bear in mind is that any displays of 'unnatural anger' (eg, his meltdowns) are not 'personal' in that sense, and that 'anger alone' cannot do any harm to you - hence the 'walking away' recommendation. BUT, it's also vital that you develop a 'water off a ducks back' mentality, so you don't get adversely affected by his meltdowns. ie, not get upset by them, alas, since they are simply part of his 'condition' and not caused by you, or necessarily aimed at you (he'd presumably have them anywhere, with anyone....you just happen to be the closest!)
Firstly, could one of the powers that be here move this thread to the Autism/Asperger Syndrome forum?

Secondly, welcome to the forum, Danielle. I am sorry to read that you have not had any support from mental health services in your area. Has your fiancé had any support with education or employment?

I suggest you contact the National Autistic Society - you can find them by Googling them. You can also see their very helpful article on meltdowns if you Google National Autistic Society meltdowns.

My daughter has Asperger syndrome and has had meltdowns on several occasions, although not as much now, since she left supported housing. Her advice would be, walk away, give your fiancé space, don't confront him, don't try to make him feel bad as he is already probably feeling bad, don't try to reason with him, but discuss it later if he feels comfortable doing so - after he has calmed down, ask him if he is ok and if he wants to talk about what happened.

I mentioned earlier about the Autism/Asperger Syndrome forum. You might like to have a look and/or post there.
https://www.carersuk.org/forum/specific ... r-syndrome.

I hope you find it helpful here.

Gilli