My husband has terminal cancer

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My husband has always been the one person that cared for me in the past. I have feet issues with pain and mental health problems (schizophrenia) and I've never been in hospitalized since I met my husband 18 years ago. But for the past few years its been tough. He had a stroke 2 years ago which he's lucky to be alive, but the temper tantrums etc was hard to deal with. Along with gallbladder operation etc he's now been diagnosed with terminal cancer in the tummy and lungs. It's breaking my heart. Although I'm not a carer, the emotional side can affect my mental health. My husband has been a trier and he does not want any fuss or anyone knowing, he's not ready for macmillan nurses yet. So in between going to bed, he goes out in the car to take our dog out. I have none to talk to I write to samaritans and they gave me your Web site. The thing is everything gets to much for me because my husband doesn't like where we live due to neighbours not talking to us, and loud neighbours with hoards of adults kids etc, 8 grown up kids and hoards of grandkids. I feel so alone especially with my disabilitys of my feet and my quiet nature. My husband wants me to move from here but it's waiting for a council bungalow to come up in Doncaster to be near my parents, even then I feel none cares. I get very scared of loosing my husband, even now he's got a new pain which I thought could be his appendix again, but he won't go in hospital at all. He's scared of hospital. Incase they tell him his cancer got worse. I would love a shoulder to cry on. My limitations are sad, I don't drive, so I worry about everything. I just hope someone kind would just say hi. A photo of us on our wedding day in Feb this year, my husband was emotional about his diagnosis, it's hard being strong for him.

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Hello Amanda and welcome
We've recently had an 'upgrade' to the forum and one of the many gremlins means that photos and attachments aren't working so I can't see your wedding photo, sadly.
I was so sorry to read your story. In the doctors this morning there was a sign saying "if you look after someone who can't cope without your help, then you are a carer" and it sounds like you fit that description, but we are not hard and fast on rules on here. We have many ex -carers whose expertise is invaluable for instance .
It is tough living with someone who finds their diagnosis hard to take, but you've done the right thing. Just because he won't talk doesn't mean that you can't talk about it. In fact most of us on here find things much easier if we have done research and got information, whether about the diagnosis or just general things to do with caring. You can contact the Macmillan nurses yourself for support for you, even if he won't for him. it's important for your own physical and mental health that you start building a tool kit and network of support for you
Here is a thread of things that can help lift low mood
https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support- ... mood-12505
Maybe one or 2 of these can be the first tools in your toolbox?
Kr
MrsA
Dear Amanda, this is a desperately hard time for both of you. I've walked in your shoes when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, but the other health complications that both of you have were not there, and even then it was agonising enough.

It's very, very hard when the 'caree' (you) becomes the 'carer', because you feel so powerless, and cancer is a very frightening condition as well.

I think, though, that like it or not, you do have to be as strong as you can for him now, emotionally at least.

I can understand why he's fearful of seeing the doctors, but I assume he has regular appointments with the oncologist for his type of cancer at the hospital he's registered at? Is he on any kind of treatment for the cancer (ie, anti-cancer drugs) or has he been told that it can't be treated or operated on, and so his medical treatment will be 'palliative' (this is where they dont' try and fight the cancer, but may give medicines to make him more comfortable).

This is a desperately sad thing to say, but it would help you, in the long term, if you yourself got some kind of notion about how long he is likely to have left....I know it's horrible even thinking about it, but my reasoning is this.

You say you are waiting for a council bungalow to be near your parents, but would it make sense that, for now, you accept one that isn't near your parents, but is quiet enough for your husband to be happier there than where you are?

Do you want to be near your parents simply because they're your parents, or because you need them now to help with the care of your husband, or, indeed, to help care for you now that your husband may not be able to, now or soon?

I would also suggest you look up who is the nearest hospice charity to yourself, there is bound to be one, and ask their advice on what best to do. Also, you say your husband doesn't want a Macmillan nurse involved, but that doesn't mean YOU can't phone Macmillan. They will know what you are going through, and may well have good practical suggestions as well as emotional support for you. The Macmillan website forum for relatives is also very good - I found it to be so.

Finally, you may also find it helpful to look up the charity that supports those with your husband's particular type of cancer - there is bound to be one, and hopefully it will have a forum, or an advice line. You could find out there what is the latest treatment, and see whether there is anything that can prolong his life. I truly would encourage him to check with his GP, and his oncologist, though he may well prefer not to know if the cancer has worsened, simply because they may be able to tell him that there IS some form of treatment he could try.

It's a very, very sad situation - I'm glad you still have your parents (relatively close?) and even if you can't find a place near to them, they are still 'there' for you, both now and, even more sadly for the 'afterwards' that will come at some point.

Thinking of you at this desperately sad time - kind regards, Jenny
Amanda_17091 wrote:
Tue Sep 19, 2017 2:17 pm
jenny lucas wrote:
Mon Sep 18, 2017 6:14 pm
Dear Amanda, this is a desperately hard time for both of you. I've walked in your shoes when my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer, but the other health complications that both of you have were not there, and even then it was agonising enough.

It's very, very hard when the 'caree' (you) becomes the 'carer', because you feel so powerless, and cancer is a very frightening condition as well.

I think, though, that like it or not, you do have to be as strong as you can for him now, emotionally at least.

I can understand why he's fearful of seeing the doctors, but I assume he has regular appointments with the oncologist for his type of cancer at the hospital he's registered at? Is he on any kind of treatment for the cancer (ie, anti-cancer drugs) or has he been told that it can't be treated or operated on, and so his medical treatment will be 'palliative' (this is where they dont' try and fight the cancer, but may give medicines to make him more comfortable).

This is a desperately sad thing to say, but it would help you, in the long term, if you yourself got some kind of notion about how long he is likely to have left....I know it's horrible even thinking about it, but my reasoning is this.

You say you are waiting for a council bungalow to be near your parents, but would it make sense that, for now, you accept one that isn't near your parents, but is quiet enough for your husband to be happier there than where you are?

Do you want to be near your parents simply because they're your parents, or because you need them now to help with the care of your husband, or, indeed, to help care for you now that your husband may not be able to, now or soon?

I would also suggest you look up who is the nearest hospice charity to yourself, there is bound to be one, and ask their advice on what best to do. Also, you say your husband doesn't want a Macmillan nurse involved, but that doesn't mean YOU can't phone Macmillan. They will know what you are going through, and may well have good practical suggestions as well as emotional support for you. The Macmillan website forum for relatives is also very good - I found it to be so.

Finally, you may also find it helpful to look up the charity that supports those with your husband's particular type of cancer - there is bound to be one, and hopefully it will have a forum, or an advice line. You could find out there what is the latest treatment, and see whether there is anything that can prolong his life. I truly would encourage him to check with his GP, and his oncologist, though he may well prefer not to know if the cancer has worsened, simply because they may be able to tell him that there IS some form of treatment he could try.

It's a very, very sad situation - I'm glad you still have your parents (relatively close?) and even if you can't find a place near to them, they are still 'there' for you, both now and, even more sadly for the 'afterwards' that will come at some point.

Thinking of you at this desperately sad time - kind regards, Jenny
Hi jenny, the situation is my husband doesn't have any care from cancer doctor, they said he's stage 4 and that was back in January this year, they said he can't be operated on either. my husband worries about my health and because he hates it where we live due to the neighbours annoying him, we both are down for a bungalow in Doncaster. I realise that I've had to cope on my own for years, dispite my issues. unfortunately a suitable bungalow hasn't come up in five years, I've been on list. we wanted to move just to know someone familiar, here none seem to talk to us.plus I've got feet issues. so everything sometimes comes against us.There's isn't a great deal my parents can do anyway as they have their own health issues to deal with.my husband rod tries hus best to go out in the car to take dog out, but I know underneath he gets tired. I will just have to see what happens. he won't go to docs or hospital just yet.Also we live miles from doncaster and live in lancashire, we have had alot if bad luck moving around due to bad neighbours, we live in rented property from a housing association. I so wish I could afford a nice area to live and buy my own place, but it's not to be. A bungalow came up a mile from my parents but we didn't win the bid, someone came before us on the housing register. I guess some people are just born lucky.Thanks for your message anyway.