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Hi I'm new and I look after my mum part time along with a full time job caring for the elderly. My mum is currently recovering from her second bout of cancer. Its hard seeing someone decline that you love
I'm finding it a bit lonely and need some like minded people that know what i am going through.. And I'd like to help others that are going through similar situations
Hi So sorry to hear your mum has cancer a second time.I think its double hard when caring for others has a profession. You so think I should be looking after mum. However, we all have to work and pay our bills. Sometimes work can be a distraction or a hindrances. It all depends on the day and how we feel. If most things on in control all can feel OK. Unfortunately, things are not so cut and dried. Wouldn't it be great if we could just box everything off and open the lid at our convenience. A loved one having cancer once is quite a challenge. Twice I can't imagine how that feels. I've had quite a few relatives in my family. Who have had differing kinds of cancer once. Some success stories some no so. I hope you have an employer who is sympathetic. Remember you need to look after your own health. What support do you have?
sunnydisposition wrote:Hi So sorry to hear your mum has cancer a second time.I think its double hard when caring for others has a profession. You so think I should be looking after mum. However, we all have to work and pay our bills. Sometimes work can be a distraction or a hindrances. It all depends on the day and how we feel. If most things on in control all can feel OK. Unfortunately, things are not so cut and dried. Wouldn't it be great if we could just box everything off and open the lid at our convenience. A loved one having cancer once is quite a challenge. Twice I can't imagine how that feels. I've had quite a few relatives in my family. Who have had differing kinds of cancer once. Some success stories some no so. I hope you have an employer who is sympathetic. Remember you need to look after your own health. What support do you have?
Yeah she had it when I was 4 so I don't remember but it definitely affected my early on childhood.. lack of mum and daughter time and so on..
I don't have much support I have a couple friends and my brothers don't really get how much help mum needs now.
I see a counsellor once a week which helps sometimes but other times makes me realise how much I need to sort myself out.
Hi, and welcome to the forum. I agree it's a double whammy when you are a 'professional carer' (ie, care-worker) and simultaneously a 'personal carer' (ie, family carer). You are never 'off duty' are you??

It's vital to carve out some 'me time' that is just for your own 'leisure and pleasure', however great the 'needs' of both your professional and personal carees.

And that, yes, may require you getting in professional careworkers for your mum.....

I would advocate doing a 'time sheet' for a week, to produce a 'time audit' so see just how much time is spent on both sets of care responsibilities, including all the apparently 'low level' things from keeping company with your mum, to travel time (or whatever) - and then to see how much time you spend on your own 'housekeeping' (from shopping to hovering etc), and then finally that should show up how much (or, sadly, probably how little!) 'me time' you actually get for your own leisure and pleasure......

Because the amount is what you have to nurture, and, if it is inadequate (and I'm afraid I would NOT include your counselling sessions in your 'me time' simply because I suspect if you didn't have your mum to worry over you probably wouldn't need any counselling! Your counselling really counts as your 'care time'....).....but if your real 'me time' is inadequate, then you can only increase it either by dropping your professional/paid hours (which may be financially impossible??) or by doing less for your mum (which may require her having professional care workers herself for periods).

Secondly, I would do a financial audit as well, to see where the main costs are, etc. You'll need to do one for you, and one for your mum. You won't need us to tell you what the thresholds etc are for your mum to be eligible for professional careworkers, and where the boundaries with the NHS CHC etc comes, but it's important to work out just what you mum would have to pay for, and what not. Does she have a Macmillan nurse/input to guide her through her entitlements etc etc?? I do hope so.

I know you probably feel that YOU should do all your mum's care - after all, you're a professional carer, so 'obviously' you could care for her! - but that isn't the point. The essential thing is to have enough of 'your own life' not to be a carer, either family or professional 24x7. Your life is important too.........
The time sheet thing definitely sounds like a good idea. I go out sometimes in the evening just to drive around, doesn't seem all that coat effective but sometimes I just need to listen to music and be alone haha. Half the time I wanna cry and half the time I end up getting McDonald's but hey.
And to now top off the whole situation my mum can no longer afford my nan's care home fees and she is now going to love with us!
I have only just found out about this but I can't even catch a break! My mum hasn't even consulted me she has just decided to do it. I'm not sure she knows how much this takes it's toll.
Tell us more about nan and care home fees. If nan can't afford them then social services pay, NOT RELATIVES.
It's completely unacceptable your nan moving in with you when you are already stressed out of your skull over your mum.

I know your mum has acted on 'instinct' but this is YOU paying the price for that.

As BB says, if your nan has no money, (less than £23,500) then her care home fees are paid by the council. What is your mum thinking of, telling her she can 'come home' with YOU to look after her?????

You will need to put your foot down - hard, but absolutely essential.

If you 'walked away' what on earth does your mum think will happen to her, your nan, if you nan has come back to live with her?
The real problem with mum is that she thinks you are still a little girl, mentally she doesn't accept that you are an adult who can make FREE choice, she can tell or order you to do something, and you do.
Can you clarify how old you are, how old mum is, and how old nan is? Why did nan move into the care home in the first place?
Hi Soph

Welcome and glad you found us. I have also been working as a paid care worker alongside caring for a parent so I can well understand the need to get away on your own some times.

If nan has more than £23, 250 in the bank then she would be self funding. I fless than that, the Social Services should be either paying fo rall her care or contributing to it - I think possibly on a sliding scale depending on her funds.
Mum certainly shouldn't be paying a penny towards Nan's care out of mum's money. If nan has money but refuses to pay then you or mum need Power of Attorney fo nan.
You need to contact social services and ask for them to do an updated needs assessment for nan to ascertain what help she needs.
You may also need to do the same for mum to assess what level of care she also needs. As mum's main carer you need to ask for a third assessment for yourself - a carers assessment.

If nan and/or mum have funds above the self funding limit, then you could consider cutting your hours of paid work down to part time and paying yourself instead of agency help. Have you thought of part time work and claiming carers allowance- you can still earn £116.00 per week.?
If nan does end up coming home make sure she is claiming higher rate attendance allowance and gives it to you if you end up helping.

You really can't work full time and do all that. at home as well so decide what home care you are happy to provide, what you can get for free, how much you scrape together through allowances and part time earnings and make some decisions.
Hi Soph,

And welcome to the Forum. I think the others have said it all about nan coming to live with you.

My mum had cancer twice during her life so I know a bit about how worrying that can be. She first had breast cancer when I was still at school and then years later she had ovarian cancer. Fortunately, she recovered from both but the treatment took its toll. Is mum having treatment now?

Anyway, have a look round the Forum and join in when you can. We are a friendly bunch and if we don't have an answer, we normally know someone who does.

Take care, Anne