Cannot cope much longer with BPD husband

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My husband is also recently been diagnosed with BPD and I'm really struggling.
Before his illness he was my rock, he was so loving and now his distant, with drawn and gets so angry. He says it's not me, that he loves me etc etc I don't get how he says all these things yet treats me so horribly at times.
I feel the exact same way as others on here, I have had thoughts of not being able to cope with it much longer and done days are so so lonely. I just want my husband back, sometimes I feel like I don't know him at all anymore.
I'm trying to hold on to the good days but the bad always take over. It's so draining.
How long did it take for other Bpd sufferers to become more 'stable' on medication? He is having therapy but refuses couple therapy at the moment. He also suffers terrible headaches. Please someone tell me it gets easier??
That sounds grim indeed. Does he give reasons why he doesn't want couples counselling? What is the objective of couples counselling - if it is to help YOU as well, then I'm wondering whether you couldn't go on your own, to get the benefit from some degree of counselling, ie, how best to minimise the impact of his BPD on YOU?????

Do you think the counselling he IS having is having any benefit? I do hope so.

Would it help you get a 'handle' on the situation if you kept some kind of daily log as to how your husband has been each day? eg, if you think his 'bad moods' are getting longer, or shorter, or if you are discerning any particular triggers and so on.

Remember, although his therapist can't talk TO you about him, that needn't stop you writing to him/her with your own interpretation and input - the counsellor might well find your insight very helpful, as otherwise he/she only gets what your partner presents/tells him.

Can you plan any 'treats' for yourself, to help you through - even better, would your partner be up to doing anything 'fun' with you at all, just a little reminder of the man he once was (and who, I do hope, will make a reappearance again at some point.)

Kindest wishes at a distressing time - Jenny
Gemma_1702 wrote:My husband is also recently been diagnosed with BPD and I'm really struggling.
Before his illness he was my rock, he was so loving and now his distant, with drawn and gets so angry. He says it's not me, that he loves me etc etc I don't get how he says all these things yet treats me so horribly at times.
I feel the exact same way as others on here, I have had thoughts of not being able to cope with it much longer and done days are so so lonely. I just want my husband back, sometimes I feel like I don't know him at all anymore.
I'm trying to hold on to the good days but the bad always take over. It's so draining.
How long did it take for other Bpd sufferers to become more 'stable' on medication? He is having therapy but refuses couple therapy at the moment. He also suffers terrible headaches. Please someone tell me it gets easier??
Hello Gemma,

First off medication for BPD is not recommended as per the NICE Guidelines, it's usually prescribed to deal with co-symptoms of BPD, such as anxiety, depression, mood swings and insomnia.

I've been on oodles of different medications prior to therapy. Quetiapine in particular was good in keeping me calm and helping with my endless insomnia, but in the end that stopped working and I ceased it. I have taken anti-depressants for 17 years, but I am never convinced they work, since my depression was more than often linked to BPD.

I was diagnosed with BPD in 2008, but have never really had anyone there to care for me. I was the carer of others from a young age.

I was lucky in the end to get long-term therapy on the NHS called Mentalization Based Therapy (MBT) and that was an 18-month long programme. It was hard, difficult and emotional but I stuck it out and 4 years on I am a much more in control Borderline. I still have my difficult days, but I can now mentalise and see things as others see them, Borderline's tend to only see things in Black and White.

Having never been in a relationship, I can't imagine what the effect of BPD has on someone who loves someone with this illness. I remember in therapy others who had children / partners how difficult it was for them to understand and accept such a condition.

BPD sufferers struggle to think about others, they are not selfish by far, they are just often feeling misunderstand and empty, for me I felt like no-one ever really carer for me, but everyone wanted a piece of me and as someone who wanted to be loved I would give and do things for others because I wanted them to like me.

I still find isolation very hard and I only have a few trusting friends in my life, one whose been there for 17 years.

Therapy is good for your husband, but please make sure it is the right therapy for a BPD diagnosis. A few sessions on the NHS won't help improve things, BPD needs specialist therapy to get to the bottom of things and so the patient can learn to understand why they are like the way they are. I once attended a day therapeutic community for people with BPD when I was first diagnosed, we would meet once a week, whilst I enjoyed the talking and meeting others and perhaps having friends, I found it to be very detrimental on my health, I learnt how to abuse over the counter medications and self harm, in the end I walked out, which in turn made me worse because I felt more abandoned by those therapists who were trying to help!

For some helpful, advice and hints have a read of this old blog online:

https://acarerseyes.wordpress.com/

It was written by someone who was a carer for someone with BPD, she doesn't blog now but it's a real insight into living with someone who has BPD.
Hi, my mother was diagnosed about 2 years ago with BPD after being severely depressed for years and in and out of mental hospitals.

Can I just ask, did your husband seem to get worse after his diagnosis?

My mother seems obsessed with the diagnosis, constantly reading about it and sharing how she feels via videos etc I just feel that this isn't helpful and her condition has got a lot worse since the diagnosis as she feels she has a life sentence. I just feel that if she looked on the positive and tried to get help more as opposed to constantly dwelling she might actually get somewhere.
but isn't the dwelling on the negative part of the illness itself?

Those with depression 'cannot imagine' ever being better? Feeling 'incurable' is itself a symptom of the MH disease??

That's the infernal catch-22 of it! Defeating you from the off.

it's the 'trying to get a handle/purchase' on it, to act as a lever to 'crack it open' is the biggest challenge. Once someone actually 'believes' in the possibility of improving their mental state, then the 'dysfunctional' mental stage is already 'not as bad' as it is when any possibility of improvement is precluded.

I agree it's intensely frustrating for others to see someone 'spiral downwards' or just 'stick at the bottom of the well'.

Life is for happiness, so why 'waste' it being unhappy/depressed/anxious etc?

But then, I would say that, wouldn't I, as I'm not depressed/dysfunctional/anxious, etc etc.....................(!)

So all my urging and encouragement is 'pointless'.........
For the avoidance of doubt could you please clarify what you mean by
"BPD" as I don't know whether you mean Bi Polar or not?
It means borderline personality disorder colin.quite different from bi polar
It is very hard being in love with someone who is Borderline, i have had the same doubts as OP as to why someone can be so mean yet say they love you more than anything. My wife has tried may different medications and none seem to work.

i have recently just posted my story of living with a Borderline wife for 12 years, it may offer some insight.

https://www.carersuk.org/forum/support- ... tory-30551
Gemma, ask your GP to arrange counselling for you, aimed at how you can deal with your husband when he is being "horrible"to you. I had counselling when I was struggling with my disabled mum's endless demands. Life changing for me.