At the end of my tether

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
I'll say "well you don't actually." which feels like I'm being petty.

this isn't petty in the slightest. It's the blunt truth. Just say it and be blunt about it.
Thanks again to you all.

Judith, I am sorry I took your discussion off on a tangent, that's what often happens in verbal conversations too I think!
It's good that the support from this space is enabling you to think about things differently. It's made me also think about watching out for when I may actually be colluding with my Mum which is due to me trying to do the right thing. I need to be aware of this and not allow the responsibility or my mums "wants" to dominate what I do.

It's refreshing and liberating to begin to see things differently.
It takes a while to "manage" wants, but it can be done. Thanks to my counsellor, I developed a new strategy.
First, I had to accept that the job often wasn't needed, certainly not desperately, but was simply a strategy to get me to visit mum. Although I was running a business as my only income, and had a son with LD who was having endless trouble with his carers AND I was disabled in a road accident, I still got the jobs. The faster I tried to get through them, the faster they came.
How to deal with them?
YOU decide which one needs doing, how fast you should go, and when it will be finished. Then, inevitably, you will get another. Don't work faster, or get cross, just say "We agreed that I'd do this for you, next £(the for you shows that you care, you agreed). "So let's get this one all finished first, and then we'll look at what needs doing next".
If a job is taking a long time, your choice remember as to how fast you go, you can find an excuse as to why, it's dififcult, it's too hot/wet/cold to get it finished.
Just make sure the jobs are done at your speed, one at a time. Remember, the job isn't usually that important anyhow. It may be to mum as she can't do things herself which she used to do, and sat immobile in her chair, her main mental exercise may be job invention.
Sometimes my mum would want me to do things I didn't have time for in my own place, and I got braver and said so.

The other key is to delegate jobs as much as possible, so you become care manager, rather than provider, as much as possible. Think if a carer, the gardener, anyone you can think of, can do things instead of you.
bowlingbun wrote:
Tue Sep 05, 2017 11:51 am
It takes a while to "manage" wants, but it can be done. Thanks to my counsellor, I developed a new strategy.
First, I had to accept that the job often wasn't needed, certainly not desperately, but was simply a strategy to get me to visit mum. Although I was running a business as my only income, and had a son with LD who was having endless trouble with his carers AND I was disabled in a road accident, I still got the jobs. The faster I tried to get through them, the faster they came.
How to deal with them?
YOU decide which one needs doing, how fast you should go, and when it will be finished. Then, inevitably, you will get another. Don't work faster, or get cross, just say "We agreed that I'd do this for you, next £(the for you shows that you care, you agreed). "So let's get this one all finished first, and then we'll look at what needs doing next".
If a job is taking a long time, your choice remember as to how fast you go, you can find an excuse as to why, it's dififcult, it's too hot/wet/cold to get it finished.
Just make sure the jobs are done at your speed, one at a time. Remember, the job isn't usually that important anyhow. It may be to mum as she can't do things herself which she used to do, and sat immobile in her chair, her main mental exercise may be job invention.
Sometimes my mum would want me to do things I didn't have time for in my own place, and I got braver and said so.

The other key is to delegate jobs as much as possible, so you become care manager, rather than provider, as much as possible. Think if a carer, the gardener, anyone you can think of, can do things instead of you.
Thanks Bowlingbun.
All very relevant and useful to me and my Mum is a brilliant creator of lists or current issues. The phone thing is working well (for me, not her!). I rang her this morning. She is very unhappy because she'd had a message from her newspaper shop to say the papers are late, can't be delivered, but can be collected after 10.00 this morning. Lots of wailing about "how am I going to manage without my newspaper?" Could I (drive 10 miles) to pick it up? No. I did say "if you hadn't cancelled the carer, they could have got it for you."

My mum wants everything done immediately, time for her is a major stressor. She gets into an anxious state if she cannot plan ahead or of others are not doing things when she wants.

She's phoned me twice since 9.00 and hasn't left a message and I haven't called her back as apart from writing this reply, I am busy working. I will ring this evening like I did yesterday. I think I am back in control.
Well done, that's exactly the right response.

My mum also hated my answerphone!