Advice please

Tell us a bit about yourself here.
Kym, I think it's very very clear from what you say that the time has come for you to tell your bro, sis and, yes, your mum, to 'shove it'.

I just do!

If your mum is as unappreciative, as 'stingy' as she is, if you don't have PoA to control her finances and thereby insist some of it is paid to give you respite care, then I think you are totally and completely entitled to withdraw your services completely from your entire family. None of them are worth a single more day's effort by you!

I think, in practical terms, you should go and see her GP, and tell him/her frankly you want your mum out of your house and into resisdential care ASAP.If you have contacts already in SS then tell them the same thing, and just say to them you've given your mum 'notice to quit', ie, eviction, and they must move her out as soon as possible. Also, look up the local care homes, check if they have vacancies, and if they take council-funded residents (if that is the case with your mum), and that's that. It's intolerable that you put up with her longer.

Or, yes, if it's at all possible, simply pack her suitcase and take her over either to your bro or sister. And leave her there. They can sort it all out.

Evicting someone from your home - which is what it comes down to - is always tricky, in that how do you physically get them out? But it really has to be done.

No one will 'agree' to your mum going into a care home - she won't - after all, she's being incredibly vile and selfish to you refusing to have any care-workers in to lighten your load! And your bro and sis certainly won't as she'll have to pay for some of it.

I hope others here have good practical advice on how you can expedite the removal of your unappreciative, ungrateful and completely undeserving mother out of YOUR home, and somewhere else - anywhere else!

You've done enough, you've done MORE MORE MORE than enough. Time to get your own life back, your own home back, as soon as you can, and your horrible bro and sis can go stuff themselves, and, quite frankly, so can your mum.

DO NOT be exploited by this unpleasant trio of people any longer. I'm sorry they are your relatives, but get them out of your life as soon as you can.

Please make this the year you get your life back, as you deserve. You've been 'brainwashed' I think by your ghastly family into thinking that for some reason known only to them (!) that you have some kind of 'duty' to house and care for this ungrateful, unpleasant person. Get rid of her!
Kim, you haven't been given the whole truth about respite costs. If sister has POA then it is HER DUTY as attorney to spend mum's money on the care she needs. I smell a very large rat, or three, in your dreadful situation. This is definitely the time for you to ring or email the CUK helpline for a confidential discussion.
Good point, BB.

Kym, you will have to find an 'inner strength' to 'fight' your family now, and I do hope that we can encourage you to find that.

Sometimes, we need to be 'given permission' to do what we know has to be done, ie, in this case, to move your mother out of your house into a care home, and believe me, that's something that I, for one, will willingly 'grant' you!

You've been put upon and taken advantage of for too long.

But, always remember - and it's something I hate to agree with but it's true all the same - that 'We get the behaviour we put up with'.

So, while you 'put up' with your mum being unappreciated, and stingy (when you are doing what would cost a hundred pounds a DAY in a care home!), and 'put up' with your bro and sis being outrageously and despicably selfish and inconsiderate, then, alas, that is how they will treat you.

Please do phone her GP and SS right away - TODAY! - and tell them you don't want to have your mum at your home, and no longer want to provide any care. You may find it helpful to write a letter or email to that effect, s they have it in writing.

You could say something like

'Dear xxx

This is to let you know that from this point on, I no longer wish to have my mother living at home with me, with me providing her care. She must either go and live with my brother or sister, or, if they also refuse to have her, then arrangements must be made by yourselves for her to go into residential care.

Please let me know as soon as possible how you intend to remove her to a care home, with least delay.

For your information, my sister has Power of Attorney, and so all financial matters in respect of my mother and her care, must be addressed to my sister. Her contact details are as follows (give her address, email, and phone numbers).

I am sending a copy of this letter/email to my sister, and also to my brother, so they are in the loop on this matter.

I emphasise that I URGENTLY want my mother moved out of my home, as I no longer wish to provide her with ANY care, from this day onward.

I look forward to hearing back from you very shortly.

Yours sincerely, Kym XXXX

cc. (name of sister), (name of brother)"



Kym, wishing you all the very best. You know you want your mother out of your house and into a care home - you said as much in your very first post, that she could easily be in a care home now!

Kind regards, and stay strong - let 2017 be the year you get your life back!
That should have said 'your mum being UNAPPRECIATIVE!' - which she clearly isn't!
I'm presuming that your mother doesn't qualify for fully-funded respite because she still has a certain level of savings? If this is the case, then any top-ups should come out of these monies and be organised by your sister as she is the attorney. As attorney, she should be using your mum's money for her (your mother's) sole benefit. If she is not doing so, then you need to advise the Office of the Public Guardian who oversee these arrangements.
I suspect, grimly, that your mum would anyway refuse to go into respite, whoever paid for it! Would that be the case, Kym?

I mean, she's not even agreed to have someone else come into YOUR home to help YOU look after her! So would she really agree to be sent off somewhere so you could have a week or so break from her?

Still, definitely worth informing the Office of the Public Guardian that your sister has refused to disburse her MOTHER'S MONEY (ie, not HER money!) on her mother's behalf!

How did the issue of respite arise in the first place? Was if from you, or from your mum's doctor, or who?

Do try and get any SS that has seen your mum 'on side' with you - they are very, very used to carees refusing to go into respite to give their browbeaten or exhausted carer-children the slightest break!
Kym, how are you doing?

When we are in a bad situation, it can seem 'impossible' to break out of it. Yet the power to do so IS within your grasp. BUT, yes, it will require courage, and determination, and discovering you are stronger than you think.

Am I right in thinking you mentioned you have adult children - and friends, too? Can they not 'rally round' to support you while you eject your mother from your house and get your life back?

I feel you've been 'brainwashed' into thinking that you 'should' care for her......

You said 'Things will improve' ...no, they won't. Even if Attendence Allowance comes through, will you see any of it yourself, and even if you do, does that give you your life back from your selfish mother and unspeakable bro and sis?

Have you always been 'put upon' by them?
Hi,

Oh dear. Reminds of the amount of help I get from my sister. Although she has done some things.

She'll phone and tell us she's coming over. Doesn't't ask if it's convenient. I haven't approached her about it yet.

Write to them. That's what I'm going to do.

Then you can sit down and talk about what you'be written. Or argue about it.

It really pisses me off that siblings who do bugger all or very little expect to have a say, visit when they want, oh and get an equal share of the Will.

Take care
Jean, why not just not let your sister in when she calls unannounced? That will send a clear message!

About your mum's estate and inheritance - it's essential that you get paid 'Good Rates' for the care you are providing her, which will deplete your mum's estate, so that when the 'division of the spoils' does arrive, and your charming (not) sister 'insists' that she gets 'her fair share' (!), and I assume your mum has divided the estate between you equally in her will, that you will have got your 'payment for care' BEFORE your mum dies.

NO WAY should you provide more care for your mum than your sister and then she gets half of whatever is left, having done so damn little compared with you!
Hi Kym

Crikey that is awful being responsible for the care with a none helpful sibbling holding the POA. Is it in her sole name? If so very tricky but sounds like you will need to get tough and hold your ground.
Paying for private carers in this part of the world costs £15.00 for half an hour so even if you are only providing one hour of care a day, it far exceeds the attendance allowance your mum should be receiving. Make sure if applicable she is getting the higher rate from day one.
As I expect you know already, once your mum's attendance allowance is sorted you can claim for your own carers allowance- a pittance but make sure you claim it.
I am wondering where you could go if sibbling continues to be so unreasonable and not act in your mum's best interest- perhaps Adult social services safeguarding team?, perhaps an independant solicitor,. I suppose an amicable reasonable well argued "chat" with sister would be the cheapest option if you have the stomach for it.
Failing that Jenny's approach- down tools until sister with POA sorts out her responsibility.
Please let us know how you are getting on, we are here for you.