Advice please

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Hello everyone I'm newish to this site and I would value other carers opinions on my family's attitude to my situation.
A year ago mum who is 91 was rushed to hospital with double pneumonia, long story short, was not expected to pull through and was going to be transfered to next available nursing home.
I have been a health care assistant for 20 years so knew the wait for a placement would leave mum stuck in hospital indefinitely.
My sister and brother both categorically refused to have mum at their houses as both own their own businesses and couldn't afford to lose work. Fair enough I guess so despite being a single mum I agreed for mum to come home with me and my family on the understanding I could not afford to lose my job so would need support and help.
Mum pulled round and recovered then 7months later she was back in hospital with stomachs complications, again very poorly. I was then fired due to requesting time off to be in hospital and sort out things at home. I am now in huge financial debt which is stressful enough my brother and sister both have stated to me and social services they won't help either financially or with support this means I have not had a day off since mum came to live with me.
The crunch came when my brother phoned mum to say he was going to come next day to take her out for an hour, when he arrived I asked if he could give more warning in future and speak to me not mum to organise it I explained with some planning I could arrange time out myself with a friend or go beach for a walk or visit my grown up kids just get away myself really and that I didn't have the luxury of impromptu outings.
As you've guessed huge row my brother refuses to " make an appointment to see his own mum"
My sister also considers I'm being controlling, immature and a drama queen.
Am I ? I am so stressed that I am snapping at everyone I don't think this is me being a drama queen is it ?
I have put my entire life on hold I have no social life I feel like a zombie most days how can I make them see this is my house, my family, my crappy life I'm so angry I don't even want to see either of them again and to top it off mum is making my life hell because I upset my brother.
I feel awful for thinking mum would be better in a home not for the level of care but just so I get my life back
Sorry but needed to vent fellow carers I salute you
Welcome to the forum. Before mum's discharge you should have had a Carers Assessment, a Needs Assessment for mum and a package of care sorted out for you. Would I be right in thinking none of this happened? Contact Social Services and ask them to arrange these assessments urgently.
So many of us here have had problems after a botched discharge. Were you given any choices after the last discharge?
Lots of us also have relatives who are useless, too often all the care is left to just one. As mum is 91, how old are you? From now on her needs are just going to get higher and higher, and you are quite right to think about residential care. Any charges would be assessed on mum's own income, not any children. Do you know much about the care homes around you?
Lord, where do I start?

Let's start with saying what your bro and sis can do - which is walk off a long pier and stay in the water.......

How DARE they accuse you of anything at all, when they are doing NOTHING for your mum and you are doing EVERYTHING????

They should be on their knees with grovelling gtratitude that you are doing what you are doing for THEIR mum....

OK, rant over (for now).

What's the situation in respect of where you live (ie, is it rented, or do you own it?) What's the situation in respect of your mum's assets or savings? Does she have any property, does she have any savings, does she have any income (ie, I assume she has her OAP pension)

Is she paying you for staying in your house, and the care you give her? She should be. Who controls her finances - does she still handle her affairs? Does anyone have Power of Attorney (please don't say it's your appalling brother!)

A care home costs £100 A DAY (or more!) (some cost over a thousand poudns a week!). So THAT is the amount of 'value' you are giving your mum. NEVER under-value what you do for her!

However, depending on how much money she has (property, savings, other assets), if she has more than £23,500 she will need to pay for her own residential care. If she has less, then the council steps in.

Personally, I think your mum would now be better off in a residential home. Her health will only worsen, and she'll get inevitably weaker with age.

If she has property/savings, your appalling brother and sister may not want her to go - they'll want you to continue looking after her for free, and then they can help themselves to her money when she is dead (how nice for them!).

BUT, all you have to do is tell her GP that you are not going to care for her any longer, and that you won't have her living in your house (none of your horrible siblings business!), and so she has to go in to a home. End of.

You'll need to be firm on this. Your bro and sister are having a lovely, lovely time of it (!!!!) because they aren't lifting a finger for your mum - and the occasional visit just gives them a virtuous glow and a personal halo.......

They can DEFINITELY take a long walk off a short pier!

All the best to you, and I'm sorry you've been landed with such useless and horrible siblings. You don't deserve it.
Hi Kim
Know exactly where you are coming from! Much easier to give advice to other people than protect your own interests . This worm has not exactly turned 180 degrees but is having a few wiggles and reorganising a few things. It's tough and just to give another perspective, care homes are not the right solution for everyone.
If you are looking to continue caring for mum, then the assessments, needs for mum and carers for yourself are essential asap. You can still have carers for mum even though she is living with you. You also need to sort out respite breaks and factor in some "me time".
Have a chat with your GP about the stressy snapping that is not really you. The GP can probably give you something to help and get yourself back together before you loose it big time.
Hi Kim
Know exactly where you are coming from! Much easier to give advice to other people than protect your own interests . This worm has not exactly turned 180 degrees but is having a few wiggles and reorganising a few things. It's tough and just to give another perspective, care homes are not the right solution for everyone.
If you are looking to continue caring for mum, then the assessments, needs for mum and carers for yourself are essential asap. You can still have carers for mum even though she is living with you. You also need to sort out respite breaks and factor in some "me time".
Have a chat with your GP about the stressy snapping that is not really you. The GP can probably give you something to help and get yourself back together before you loose it big time.
Hi Kim
Know exactly where you are coming from! Much easier to give advice to other people than protect your own interests . This worm has not exactly turned 180 degrees but is having a few wiggles and reorganising a few things. It's tough and just to give another perspective, care homes are not the right solution for everyone.
If you are looking to continue caring for mum, then the assessments, needs for mum and carers for yourself are essential asap. You can still have carers for mum even though she is living with you. You also need to sort out respite breaks and factor in some "me time".
Have a chat with your GP about the stressy snapping that is not really you. The GP can probably give you something to help and get yourself back together before you loose it big time.
I've just decided to drop the carers for most of the week and pay myself for an hours care instead at the full agency rate for 1 hour a day. Probably should have done it a year ago rather than working so much but like you I generaly try to keep the peace and also think of protecting the siblings share and not being greedy when sibling has same outlook as yours.
With the best iron will in the world if you are the caring one, it is so hard to dig heels in and look after yourself when you naturaly put others first.
Kim, what has happened to mum's former home?
Hi Kym
I'm appalled and disgusted re the attitude your siblings display. How dare they and the walk off the pier is too nice by far. Helicopters indeed. (That's what we call relatives who flit in, criticise and flit off without actually being of any help whatsoever.)
I also think you should have a case for unfair dismissal from your job, but that's only my opinion based on nothing but my reaction.
I think you ought now, to be looking out for yourself in all sorts of areas.
Financial. Does Mum have Attendance Allowance? Should be passed straight to you.
Have you sorted that all important Power of Attorney?
Have you checked what benefits she and you should be receiving? (Help line on this site very good at helping you sort that).
Help and Care. Have you and mum had Assessments from Social Services?
Have you started looking into the local Nursing Homes and checking out the costs and whether Mum would have to contribute.
As start click on the red help and advice button at the top of the page and follow the links to see what applies to you in your situation.
It's no wonder you are furious. I'd be 'spitting feathers' too. Drama queen indeed!! They have no idea and it's about time they learnt. How about packing a case for Mum and taking her round and saying 'I'm off on holiday for a fortnight, here she is for you to look after. No notice is needed for you to see her after all.' Obviously not feasible but very tempting don't you think?
Keep in touch on here.
KR
E.
Ha ha, I LOVE Elaine's suggestion to take mum round to your bro's and dump her on him without notice! Serve the little xxxx right!

That said, I'm afraid I'm not very keen on your mum, either. It's because you said SHE was angry with YOU for 'upsetting' (GOD HELP ME!) your brother!

I think, you know, that tells me straight away just WHY your brother is as he is - he's been 'trained' to be the complete xxxx that he is by his 'doting mummy'????? Is that it?

Im' afraid, grimly, it's all too common for a parent to have a child they spoil - in this case your brother I suspect - who gets endless 'special consideration' while the 'good' child (that's YOU) who actually does all the work and care, gets ranted at if she 'dares' to 'upset' her darling son!!!!

Maybe I'm being unfair, and if so, tell me ....but the fact that you say she got aggrieved at you for upsetting him, does make me fear the worst.

Is your mum appreciative of what you do? Sometimes - again, grimly - that just never happens, and they take the carer-child for granted.

Whether or not your mum is appreciative of what you do, she does need to be financially compensating you for the care you give her.

What I fear is that she isn't, and that when she does die, your ghastly bro and sister will assume they will get equal shares of whatever she leaves ...ie, as if you should have been looking after their mum for them completely free.

Anyway, that's my take - if I'm being unfair, do say!

Above all, you deserve your own life - and no reason on God's earth why you should have to give up your life for your mum's care, when your bro and sis do sod all.
Hello again first thank you all for the support and indignation it helps to know its not just me being unreasonable.
Yes we've had an assessment from s.s mum has refused any of their offers i.e day care, carers coming in, my sister is power of attorney and because mum would not be fully funded respite is out of the equation as a third party would have to pay half, I can't and my siblings won't
I am still waiting for the attendance allowance to be sorted and as we all know everything hinges on that so at the no I'm living on my wages from a part time cleaning job it has to be part time as obviously I'm mums carer.
Mum used to live with my sister but that was when she was mobile and didn't need care which is wwhy mum came here after hospital as there was no where else to go.
I have worked in the care sector for 25 years so I wasn't keen on a transfer from hospital to a home, unfortunately it never goes well
Mum is in better health now so could realistically go to a home.
Mum pays 150 month to be here and begrudges that. I am just absolutely fed up which is why I posted on here until the attendance allowance is sorted its all just dragging on with me getting further into debt
It will improve.......I tell myself that every day lol