Who am I?

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
My mum died on 16th January 2006. She is with me in my heart every day of my life. She had dementia but wanted to be at home not in a home, and apart from two weeks in respite with my dad after he had a drunken fall that is what happened. It was obvious she had cancer and all she asked of the GP the previous Christmas eve was to be allowed to go to bed and wait for God. He agreed this was the best way forward and I was the best one to care for her. It was so hard watching her suffer, but there were windows of memories we shared, family stuff I would not otherwise have been privy to. I still have nightmares that I should have done more to keep her going for longer, but when she could no longer swallow even liquid morphine and ice cream I seriously thought about the pillow. I left the room having told her it was OK to give up and go if she was ready, and when I returned a few minutes later she was gone. Her own mother had waited for God for 18 months, and picked me visiting the outside loo as her time to go.

I probably have not helped anyone here today, but it has maybe helped me to read your feelings and to know that, all these years down the line, some things do not change.xx
What I miss more than anything is being a daughter. I'm just a sister and an auntie now...and a friend of course. But being a daughter was very special.
Juggler, you're still a daughter. That will never change. I'm still my father's son, although he died 3 years ago.
My mother died over twenty years ago, but what I find reassuring is not just how 'real' she is to me still, but how much who she was and what she did still resonates in my life - my brother and I talk about her often - she was a real 'character' (despite her MH problems - or possibly because of them!).

And I am always and will always be her daughter. I also find, rather 'nicely spookily' if you see what I mean, that as I get older, closer to the age she was in fact, the more I see 'echoes' of her, in me. I sometimes hear 'her laugh' when I laugh.....
Thank you all for your posts and sharing your love, strength and hope. I cannot express how much you have helped me tonight. x