What NOT to say when someone dies

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
I realise everyone means well and the list is entirely subjective but for me, the most annoying / upsetting have been:

"At least you have your freedom now" (but what if I don't want it?)

"At least her life was not cut short like so many" (true, she was 87, but does that make it easier to bear?)

"Have you thought about what you will do next? Will you move?" (No, I find it difficult enough to decide what to eat. Strangely enough, I thought death and redundancy were enough for one month).

"She would have wanted you to be happy" (again true, but said by her brother who had not seen her for over 5 years so not sure what makes him the expert)

"She is at peace now" ( how can anything which has ripped my life apart be described as peaceful?)

And finally,said by the cousin I barely know who has descended on me for THREE days:

"Shame you don't have a man to take this off your shoulders" ( so crass I actually found this funny. Currently debating to pounce on next man I see in the street to "look after me").

I'm sure you all have heard many more but to finish on a positive note. One friend is coming to the funeral tomorrow and has offered to be taxi service for those who need it. Same friend has booked us tickets for the theatre in 2 weeks time,
Oh Anne, this has brought a lump to my throat and given me the giggles at the same time. I got the "at least her suffering is over" and the "at least he didn't suffer" lines too with my mum and son.
I knew that but I still wanted to hit them with something! :evil:

Sometimes black humour will carry us through Anne, even if we've been ripped apart inside. Thank you for starting this thread, at this time. I'm sure there will be quite a few additions to it!!
and if you don't mean it don't say "if you need someone to talk to, call me any time"

After the initial shock of Mum dying had worn off what I really would have liked was someone to have a cup of coffee with and just talk about Mum.
I think the main problem is that there really isn't anything 'good' to say about human mortality.....

Most people feel helpless.

Maybe simply 'I'm so sorry to hear your sad news' is all that can be said.

In practical terms, yes, you are 'free' now, but it's far, far too early to think of that - that isn't what is in your heart now, only sorrow and grief at loss.

I agree that wanting to talk about the person we've lost is very strong - sort of keeps them with us....

All I would say is that people generally 'mean well' however clumsily they may say it.......?

(Though no idea why your cousin thought that landing on you for three days was in the slightest helpful to you......!!!!!)

Kind thoughts, at such a sad time, Jenny
Strange that those sort of comments, from my experience, come from the people who've not seen either of you for ages and have no idea of what's gone on or what you're going through. And the one I used to hate was 'time to look after yourself now'.
It's fine for that to be said after a while, but not immediately - give me a chance to get used to having to be on my own first.
Things I would sometimes love to say..... but don't!
"Well you have been moaning about how miserable your life has been with 'x' for the last twenty years so why not pull yourself together and have a ball"!
"Oh for God's sake, stop bleeding this drama for everything you can get - its just death, people die, get over it"
"How much did you get in the will"?

:sick: :sick: :sick: :sick: :sick:
:woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:
Scally, forgive the self-indulgence and indeed sense of humour failure but I do believe the former carers section should allow a place for that. If people talking about loss irritate you, perhaps it is better to avoid it.

Believe me, I have been asked more than once about money and the so called family inheritance :roll:
Scally - although at times I do love your irreverent take on things, I do have to say that I'm with Anne on this one.

When you are dealing with the loss of someone very close to you, which is difficult enough just on it's own, having to parry a lot of unthinking remarks from friends and relatives only makes that loss much more difficult to deal with.
Sorry if I offended anyone, but from the title I took this to be a tragi-comedy thread? :unsure:
i think a thing lots of people said when mr bb died made me feel very much like i'd lost my last bit of strength to cope, strangly it was the number of well meaning friends who said "you are being so strong" not realising i was falling apart inside....