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what are we now?

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2017 6:24 pm
by Eun
What are we now that we are no longer Robert's mum and dad? No longer carers? Non people with no purpose in life? What do we do - we are wandering about the house like a couple of lost souls (I can't bear to even open the door to Robert's bedroom let alone go in there). What do we do with all Robert's things I can't bear to think of some dirty old drunk wearing the things he so cherished. All his unopened games and unread books and dvd's he didn't get the chance to watch. There is so much on tv I can't bear to watch because we always watched theses things together the three of us. Its like our right hand is missing. We weren't used to sitting down for five minutes in a row. I woke up last night upset because I can't remember how his voice sounded before he had the trachy and can't remember how he used to ask us for help. I'll never hear him shout Mum or to annoy me Euney - again. How can we move on without him in our lives?

Eun

Re: what are we now?

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2017 6:50 pm
by bowlingbun
Eun, as a widow I know how awful it is to lose a husband, but a son must be even worse, the wrong order of things.
You are in shock and exhausted after the months of hospital, the years of fighting. Sadly, there will be formalities to attend to next week, but only do whatever is absolutely vital between now and the funeral. I'd suggest going to the doctor to get something to help you relax and sleep.
It will take time to find a new life, but don't worry about that just now. This is the time to look after each other.
I was so overwhelmed that I wrote down all the jobs I needed to do, and put the list in a ring binder. Dealing with just one job a day was enough, for a long time.
If you don't feel ready to face everyone at the moment, just do your shopping somewhere different for a while, but try to go out in the fresh air every day. If you put a notice in the paper, ask everyone to contact the funeral director, not you.
He will be with you in your heart, and in your head, forever. Sometimes I have vivid dreams when my husband and I are doing things together, although he died 11 years ago, they do not fade.
Don't worry about what is in the bedroom for now. I guess there's a lot of medical equipment, again, that can wait until after the service. Is there someone who could help gather this up for you?
Take control of what happens from now on, deal with things at a pace your are comfortable with.
I have enormous respect for all three of you, your devotion, determination and courage.

Re: what are we now?

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2017 7:00 pm
by Pet66
Eun
You ask what you are now.?
Still a couple, although bereft and shocked. A remarkable couple who are brave and dignified. Capable of utmost devotion, and you will get through with the support of each other.
My heart goes out to you.

Re: what are we now?

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2017 7:56 pm
by Elaine
Eun you will ALWAYS be Rob's Mum and Dad. You don't have to do anything with his things for as long as you want to keep them. One day you might think of where he would like them to go or whether there is a relevant charity you could donate them to, or even sell and donate the money to something he would have approved of, but right now put them in his room and close the door if that helps. Maybe there are some objects you would like him to 'keep'. I sent all the early 100th birthday cards, and family cards, with Mum plus some jewellery (she like 'bling'), a brand new scarf around her shoulders in her favourite colour and she wore her nicest clothes.
Right now, you are a couple who have been through a long hard trial and you need to look after and care for each other. Rest, give yourselves a chance to heal and it will probably take a long time but you will gradually find a new 'normal'. One day at a time. Don't rush and be kind to yourselves and each other.
Hugs
(())
E.

Re: what are we now?

Posted: Sat Mar 25, 2017 8:43 pm
by jenny lucas
I completely agree with Elaine - of COURSE you are Rob's parents! You always will be. Always. Nothing can take that away.

And there is no need whatsoever to do anything at all with all Rob's things. What rush is there? None. I still have ALL my husband's things! One day I'm sure my DIL-to-be will dispose of a lot, or my grandchildren, but I'm not going to! Why should I? They cause no harm and simply sit in drawers and wardrobes as they always did.

In my case, my son can have the pick of his dad's stuff, as and when.

For Rob, I was wondering whether any of his friends would like something of his to remember him by, and think of him still? But, again, there is NO rush. No obligation. No necessity.

Eun, you need time now. Time, I know, stretches like a vast desert in front of you, meaningless and pointless. But slowly, infinitely slowly, in a way you cannot possibly imagine, it will take shape for you. Other parents have crossed that desert.....I know you've mentioned over the months whenever Rob has lost another friend to this dread condition. I would hope, very much, that you might find guidance there from their parents. And one day, you, too, will be doing so, to the next ones to set out across that desert.

But for now, grief is all there is. There can't be anything else.
Your tears are your tribute - a tribute to a young man who bore more than a million, millions of millions of other young men have been asked to bear. A warrior against a dreadful, dreadful enemy.

One thing will comfort you. You will dream of him. And in your dreams, he will be real. And you will hear his voice.

With kindest thoughts, at this desolate time, Jennyxx

Re: what are we now?

Posted: Sun Mar 26, 2017 5:38 pm
by paulingreece
Eun, you are still parents, even after 3 long years, we still cannot bear to remove Kerry Anns clothes, they are a part of her, her toys also still stay in her room, we have slowly removed some of her things, but her favourites remain and always will do. You will know when to sort through, but now is not the time, take it one day at a time, there are no rules for this, cry when you want to cry, scream as well, I wish I could tell you it gets easier, it doesn't, but you learn over time to live with it, find strength in each other, and in those moments when it gets so dark, remember, you have an angel watching over you, take strength from the wonderful son you have, and the things he achieved, you will hear his voice, but when you least expect it, he is with you, he came from you and will always be part of you both, I wish I could offer better words, and comfort to ease the pain, you are in both our thoughts, stay strong, we are sending hugs to you and Rob senior, never forget you are parents, and always will be.

Re: what are we now?

Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 5:27 pm
by Eun
Isn't this the craziest thing. We were in sainsbury's so we could buy a new white blouse for me and a new white shirt for hubby for Robert's funeral when we both ended up crying passing the crisps aisle because we remembered young Robert whizzing up there in his chair and whizzing round the store to follow any attractive plump girls he happened to see. It just came on us out of nowhere.

Eun

Re: what are we now?

Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 5:35 pm
by Pet66
No Eun, it's not crazy! Not wishing to go on about my situation, but I've cried at odd things. Being on the bus, passing the garage my husband used. Lots of different things. It will happen. When you least expect it to. X

Re: what are we now?

Posted: Tue Mar 28, 2017 7:05 pm
by jenny lucas
Eun, it will be like walking on ice. You think 'I can do this, I can do it'.....and then suddenly, without warning, the ice will crack, and you will plunge catastrophically into drowning water.

That is what grief is....