My worst nightmare

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
Matty, nothing more to say, you've described 'the feeling' so well. My heart goes out to you in your loss. Treez xx
Thank you so much to everyone for your kind words. They have been a great help. It will take a long time to get through the loss, the huge changes and the empty house but I'll survive. The last thing mum would want is for me to go under and I will get through this.
The empty house takes a long time to adjust to. I found it hugely difficult to cook the right amount for one person. In the end I bought a small pressure cooker from Lakeland. Brilliant, as the food was tasty and I only had one pan to wash up. (I own two 10 ton steam engines so I'm quite happy with pressure vessels!)
The whole presence of grief is pretty scary and at times I truly feel I'm losing it. I'm assured by Cruse and a whole host of internet resources that this is perfectly normal though. Of course it doesn't make it easier. I think the best advice I need to remind myself is that I need to be kind to myself and live it one day at a time.
One website describes it as a private hell......an apt description.
When I can re-engage with my interests again and not cry several times a day I will feel I am coming through it but for now I will just try to be patient.
Thanks once again. You really have been great and((((((((((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))))))))))) to you all.
So glad I posted again.
It is indeed hell. I found it really useful to go away for a few days. I stayed in a faceless Best Western Hotel in Devon, purely because it was very cheap as part of a special deal. Meandering round, somewhat mindlessly, really helped me to get back in touch with myself again. Best of all was the fact that there was someone else to prepare breakfast and dinner for me - I kept forgetting to eat properly. And by staying in a hotel I could have a drink without worrying about driving afterwards.
Hi Matty, I remembered you posting ages ago and often wondered what life had thrown at you.

So sad your mum has passed away. Please take comfort knowing she is in a better place where she feels no pain and her mind is not muddled. She will live on always in your heart and in your head.

My mum died in January 2006. I came home to nurse her. All of my life I felt she resented the time I spent with my dad and we had some dreadful rows, but she was my mum and I loved her unconditionally. Towards the end of her life mum stopped eating, always said she had just had a big meal and would describe what it was and how it tasted, even during her last 16 days bedridden on sips of morphine liquid and ice cream. I always remembered she loved walnut whips, but didn`t like the nuts. Dad got the nut on top, then she would eat the middle and nibble round the nut (which used to be on the base, showing my age now) and give that to dad. To this day the sight of walnut whips on display in a shop can set the tears to come, sometimes a flood, sometimes just a single teardrop.

Take your time to sort things out the way you want them at home, there is no timetable, just make sure you look after yourself......or take a few days away and let somebody else look after you.xx
I cannot believe this, I actually put similar comments on my post under a different section which was called IMPATIENCE WHEN CARING. I was the same with my husband, up through the night, up and down all the time, not going out ever. I also got snappy and said some nasty things because I was at the end of my tether and tired. I am 72 years old and am also trying to come to terms with this because my husband died on Saturday, he was in a deep sleep, and I hope he heard me and my sons telling him how much he was loved and that he was the best husband and father ever. Why don't we do that all the time, why do we wait until it is too late, then have all this guilt to carry around. I had a wonderful, wonderful husband but in the last three years of our lives together he became a man-child, needing looking after 24 hours a day. I didn't get carers in because he didn't want me to so took it all on myself. Luckily, the last timed he was in hospital three weeks ago I told him I would never, ever get impatient again with him, I said I did not want to spend my life without him as it would never be the same and for two weeks everything was great, he thanked me for doing what I did but I did not realise how short a time we would have left together, he was taken ill on the Friday and died the next day, my world has fallen apart, he made sure I would have a comfortable life if anything happened to him and it does not mean a thing without him.

What I am trying to say is we carers have a lot on our hands and we try to be super people but we are not, but we carry on day in and day out doing our very best for the people we love and care about. I cry at night only thinking of the things I said to him when he was asking for things all the time. My sons tell me if it wasn't for my love and care he would have died two years ago and for that they would be eternally grateful. It still does not help because they are no longer here to give you a chance to put things right and tell them we love them all the time, we only think about what we are missing, not going out, not having a holiday, never seeing anyone but each other. I have beautiful grandchildren and loving sons who did what they could but they lived away and worked away so they didn't realise how much I did, but at the moment all I want to do is be with my husband as life means nothing without him.

I truly hope I and all carers who have been in this position can get past this terrible guilt and realise just how much we did for our loved ones. My husband got what he wanted, he wanted to go before me as he said he could not bear to go into a home. He lived at home until nearly the end then spent just one night in hospital before he died very peacefully.
I promise that in turn the things which are tormenting you now will finally go away, and the happiness of a long and loving relationship will come to the fore once more. You will look back on the past and smile. Grief is horrible, and you are also going to fall over a cliff of tiredness any minute now. Don't be surprised if you just want to sleep and sleep and sleep for a while. Listen to your body, it will demand peace and sleep until it has caught up on the backlog of sleepless nights and anxious days. Take real care of yourself now.