My mum has gone, what do i do?

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
I have lost the only person i have lived for. My mum passed away on thursday 1st December. I cant see any way forward. We celebrated her 90th birthday a couple of weeks ago. Mum had dementia, more bad days than good, but we coped with it. I have posted before about her.There were also lots of wee and chest infections. For the past 3 months she was being treated for both, no antibiotics did any good. Her body was filling with fluid. Long story short she was in hospital for 2 weeks. Mum had AF and her heart valve was closing up, which she has had for 16 years. very short of breath. Her oxygen wouldnt get past 72% so docs discharged her with oxygen and all was well. Every day visiting it was when am i going home, please take me home. Got in at 5pm on thursday.Had oxygen tanks etc delivered day before so everything set up. Chatty in a happy mood, tired so took her to bed about half 8pm.helping her to her bedroom, she just collapsed in my arms. In complete silence. Within seconds she was gone. I even tried blowing into her mouth but didnt work. My brother dialed 999, and i done cpr. I knew it was too late. She also had a DNR form, so medics couldnt do anything. That was the most horrendous time i have ever known. So she was home for a little over 3 hrs. We knew she was ill, her heart was failing, but we had everything ready so why did she have to go like that, we should of had more time with her its just so unfair. What do i do now, she was my life, the reason i got up in the morning, its been just me and her for so long i dont want to carry on. Siblings are great and there for each other but its not the same.
Honeypaws
Hi Honeypaws, sorry to hear about mum. I know how distressing a sudden death can be, I found my husband dead in bed at the age of 58. You are still too shocked to see anything clearly, and this feeling will continue for a long time. In time you will feel differently. At the age of 90, mum's body was too frail to go on, her time had come, and she died with her kind daughter helping her.
I'm glad you have siblings to help support you. In the next few days there will be lots of tears for mum, let the tears flow, especially in the evening, in private, they are an important part of grieving. Expect to feel hugely tired, try to go for a walk in the fresh air every morning if possible to look after your own body, and make sure you eat, because everything seems much blacker if you don't. It's OK to go to bed early if you feel exhausted, but if you can't sleep, ask your GP for something gentle to help you sleep. This is the time to be kind to yourself.
Don't worry about what you are going to do for the rest of your life right now, good things and new friends will come in time. You might find it helpful to keep a diary of how you feel, so that in future years you can look back and see how far you have travelled. It's going to be a year of huge adjustments, and a roller coaster of emotions. Always remember how you did your best to support mum, and feel proud of what you did. The forum is for past, as well as current carers, feel free to pop back whenever you want, we are here to help.
Dear Honeypaws

I am so sorry to read your news - but you should try and take a little consolation from the fact that she died at home as she wanted, and in the arms of the daughter she loved and who loved her.

Yes, it is very hard to lose someone we love and yes, we ask "how will I carry on?" but the strength to do so comes from somewhere deep inside us when we need it.

As Bowlingbun says - your grief is new and still very raw, it will take time to ease. For now try not to dwell on her passing but on the good memories of past times.
I am very sorry for your loss.
You will manage to deal with each day from now on in your own way. Right now you may still be feeling a sense of shock and numbness. OR that may not be so. There is no right or wrong way to deal with this loss and most of it will be out of your control.
Try to care and love yourself as you used to love and care for her.
Thinking of you. And I know you will keep her in your heart forever.
Hi,
thank you so much for all your lovely replies, its comforting and really helps. I woke up at 4.am in a panic. "What DO I do know" I know I have to phone carers allowance to tell them mum has passed away, I also got a top up of income support so I will need to ring them. The thing that absolutely terrifies me is I will be put back on ESA. I have suffered with severe depression for many many years. I was seeing a psychiatrist every couple of months for more than 20 years until she retired in 2012. I was then put on ESA, i had to attend a work related interview, it was absolutely horrendous. I tried to explain all about my history of not being able to work, statements from my GP and psych doc, but they took no notice. If it wasn't for my sister who went with me I would have had no hesitation to walk in front of a bus.I never even got the chance for a medical, there minds were made up. I started seeing a new therapist but then she left and everything just fizzled out. As mums dementia was getting worse and she started needing 24 hour care I went on to carers allowance, which may sound awful but it was like a lifeline. Now that mums gone and it all starts again I will find that bus. I know i need to look to the future, but there isn't one yet, I so need the support group for a while, but what can I do.
Honeypaws
What to do? Firstly, be kind to yourself. Take it one day at a time, or an hour at a time, or even five minutes at a time. Ask your GP for some gentle medication to help you through this period. Don't worry too much about the future just now. What would mum say if she heard you talking about a bus?! As a carer you have learned many things which will help you in the time to come.
Honeypaws,

So sorry to hear of the loss of your mum; I too felt like you when my mum died. There is no easy way of getting through the next few months but you will, slowly and at your own pace.

One thing that helped me was a notebook where I made lists of things to do, people I had to speak to, phone numbers etc. Even when I felt I was losing my mind, I could go back to the book and see what I had already crossed off and what I had to do next. It may not work for you, but I found it useful.

I would echo the advice of seeing the GP and perhaps asking for some bereavement support, so that this does not trigger a depressive episode. Thinking of you at this very difficult time, Anne x