mum passed 5 months ago

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
hi everyone its taken me a while to write, but my mum who I cared for for 7 years passed away 5 months ago bedridden with copd,she got a chest infection and had to be admitted to hospital which I did , she did not want to go but I knew it had to be done, she put up a good fight and I stayed with her in the hospital for the 10 days knowing what the outcome woud be, the last year of her life she got vascular dementia so as you can imagine could be very awkward, and now I feel so bad that I used to get so angry with her and said things to make her fight for her life hoping it would help her , now I feel so bad wish I could take some things back that I said, I loved her, but I did 7 years of this on my own with very little help from social services, district nurses or doctors until it was to late as the system is terrible , and people need to fight for any help and know where to go its a very confusing system which sometimes leave people with no help at all ,until it is to late.I put my mum in hospital watching her fade away every day I know I did the right thing but the guilt is horrible 5 months down the line and I still cry but I know it will get better . Lorraine xx
HUGS Lorraine, guilt and anger are all part of the grieving process, and the 6 month mark, or thereabouts, is often the lowest point of all. Be kind to yourself, you did your very best, and that is the thought you must hang on to. Feel proud of what you did for mum, don't beat yourself up if you were less than perfect - who is?!
thankyou I suppose being an only child no other family I found it difficult cause the decisions were all on me had no help or anyone to help me in the things I had to do then and now Lorraine xx
Hi Lorraine,
My Mum died last August in a Nursing Home, a place she never wanted to be. Just like you I spent hours at her side and the last few days were not pleasant. Like you I can beat myself up about things I should or should not have done or said, but when it comes down to it my Mum was very old, she'd had a long and happy life and she probably lived as long as she did because I looked after her to the best of my ability, as you did your mum. It's very sad that someone like one's much loved mum has died but don't you think that all those many, many years of love and the last 7 years of dedicated care more than cancel out any small mistakes or misunderstandings? We cannot give our parents their youth back or even ask them to live longer for our sakes when they have arrived at the end of their journey.
Be sad that you no longer have your Mum physically with you, be glad of all the love and happy times you have had together and push aside all the guilty thoughts (as I do), because they are thin shadows in comparison. My Mum would have had a few stern words to say to me if she thought I was remembering her with regret and guilt. Wouldn't yours?
KR
E.
oh my god what you said is so true and the last part even made me giggle, its when you think u are on your own dealing with it but you are not loads of of people are going through the same, but you don't ever talk about it . but everything you said makes sense x
Being sole carer is extremely hard - no one at all to share the problems with. I had that with my MIL - it was 'just me' (my husband is dead and her surviving son in the USA).

EVERYTHING just landed on ME, and it was awful, awful, awful.

Your mum is at peace now, out of all her torment, and her blessing for you is to give you back your life.

Would it help to write her a letter? I did this after my own mother died - and I wrote to my husband too. I found it therapeutic, and it enabled me to say all the things that I wasn't able to say at the nightmare times when they died.

Go easy on yourself - you did SO much. None of us is perfect, and do you really think your mum is angry with you for the very, very small amount you were unable to do, or those few times you 'lost it'? Of course she isn't! Would you be angry with your own daughter if she had done what you feel you did to her? I'm sure you wouldn't! A mother's love forgives all, and understands all - and I'm sure that is what your mum is feeling for you.

Now go forward, remembering her with love and affection, and get out photos of her from before 'the bad times' and you will, I very much hope, have your 'real mum' back......

Kindest wishes, at a painful time - Jenny
Thankyou everyone, it feels better just writing that and saying how I felt, also knowing what I did and how I am feeling now is normal, as you don't know when it happens how you should be through everything that you have to go through so once again thankyou to all that commented xx Lorraine
Hi Lorraine,
Just wanted to send my love too, you did so well to care for your mum for all that time. I have only been caring for dad for two months but now with his rapid decline I am finding things much harder. When my mum died I was going through chemotherapy, it was a nightmare. I can empathise with how you feel, I am the only carer of dad, although SS do come in once a day most days and twice a day sometimes.

Do take care of yourself,
Teresa