Mum passed away yesterday. Devastated and lost.

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
This place will always be here for you should you want to talk again.
Thank you all for your support.
I got through the funeral ok but was angry and heartbroken at the low turnout.
Only 4 people - 2 friends,my cousin and her husband! I organised a lovely service, spent time writing the eulogy, mum's favourite flowers etc and hardly anyone there.
I am so angry. There was an obituary in the paper and I telephoned mum's friends and others who had known her. Her friends didn't turn up. Her oldest friend whom she knew from age 12 left me an answerphone message to say she had missed the bus!
Mum was really popular and well liked. As a professional musician she knew hundreds of people from 40+years in the business.
On top of that, my long term partner has reverted to type. Says he has been sympathetic but now doesn't want to discuss my mum anymore. Says he is sick of shouldering the workload in our joint business (unofficial partners) and he would be better off financially if I hadn't spent so much time looking after mum. That I am ok because I inherited etc. That I have to give him time off and work harder. That I need to decide when to sell her house and get rid of possessions. My mum hasn't been dead
2 weeks and I have to listen to his constant moaning. He expects me to carry on as normal.
I miss my mum cause now I really know she was the only person there for me 100%.
Your partner simply doesn't understand how you feel, and your feelings are very raw right now. Please, please don't pick a fight with each other right now. Is he jealous of your inheritance? Maybe he is feeling insecure right now. Maybe he is feeling that he has been taking responsibility for the business whilst you have been preoccupied by mum. I suggest that if at all possible you book a weekend away from everything, together, where you can both relax where neither work or mum are allowed to be discussed. Are you an only child? This will make things easier from the legal point of view. HOWEVER, your whole situation has now changed. In view of his attitude, don't be in any rush to do anything you may regret later, for months you won't be in a fit state to make any long term decisions. Ask your GP if he can put you in touch with an independent counsellor who you can pay for, but keep in touch with whenever you want. When you have a "life changing moment" it's important to look around, think hard, and reassess your life. Maybe starting with whether you want to stay with your partner? I found counselling hugely beneficial.
I've often found that men don't re-act to the death of a loved one in the same way that women do - it isn't that they are unfeeling, but they've been brought up to have a 'stiff upper lip' and with the mantra 'real men don't cry', so they hold it all in even when it's their own parents or their own children !

My own Father outlived all his siblings (7 in total) and I never saw him cry or show any emotion at any of their funerals. His own attitude to death was "don't cry when I'm gone, you're not crying for me you're crying for yourself - I'm going to a better place".

When my niece's Father-In-Law died her husband never cried either - we knew he was suffering because he pushed everyone (including his wife) away; all he would say was "I've got to be strong for my Mum". It has taken years for him to even speak of his Father (especially at this time of year because his Father passed away on Christmas Eve).

I think you both need time to come to terms with what has happened and I agree with BB that you shouldn't make any hasty decisions.
I agree with BB and Susieq.
My husband actually could cry. However, a week after my own mother's funeral, he asked me why I was quiet. He said the been a week now!! He was an amazing support whilst she was ill. But I will never forget that he wanted 'wifey' back as per normal. Difference between male and female.
Give yourself and your husband time
(((( Hugs))))
Debra_16111 wrote:Thank you all for your support.
I got through the funeral ok but was angry and heartbroken at the low turnout.
Only 4 people - 2 friends,my cousin and her husband! I organised a lovely service, spent time writing the eulogy, mum's favourite flowers etc and hardly anyone there.
Oh, that must have been disappointing, I'm sorry to hear that. I can only assume that many of your Mum's friends are probably quite elderly themselves and if they have their own health problems and/or don't drive, there may be reasons why they couldn't attend. Buses are notoriously unreliable and in my experience only ever on time when you don't make it to the bus stop on time, so maybe her old friend was genuinely unlucky (and maybe a tad disorganised, but at 90 that's not surprising). Just be content that you did all you could to make sure the service was what your Mum would have liked, and know that you did the right thing by her.
On top of that, my long term partner has reverted to type. Says he has been sympathetic but now doesn't want to discuss my mum anymore. Says he is sick of shouldering the workload in our joint business (unofficial partners) and he would be better off financially if I hadn't spent so much time looking after mum. That I am ok because I inherited etc. That I have to give him time off and work harder. That I need to decide when to sell her house and get rid of possessions. My mum hasn't been dead 2 weeks and I have to listen to his constant moaning. He expects me to carry on as normal.
I miss my mum cause now I really know she was the only person there for me 100%.
That's not good. I'm going to buck the trend here and say I have alarm bells ringing in my head about this partner. I know men tend to have a stiff upper lip mentality and often don't show their feelings, but losing your mother is not something you should be expected to get over just 2 weeks after her death! Regardless of the fact that he may have been working harder in the business while you were supporting your mother through her final months, he has no right to pressure you now. The fact you've inherited doesn't make you "OK", you're not going to be "OK" or anywhere near it, emotionally, for some time, and no amount of inheritance is going to speed up the bereavement process. Don't let him pressure you into selling the house until you're ready. Certainly don't sell it just to bale out his (? you said you're "unofficial partners") business.

That last bit about knowing your Mum was the only person there for you 100% struck a chord with me. I think that's why it hurts so much, because you just don't get that unconditional love from anyone else really (except, perhaps, a dog!). Give yourself time and have a think about what you want. If this partner can't show a little more empathy at the worst time of your life, maybe you should keep the house and ditch him! But that said, now is not the time to make any big decisions and maybe he has been supportive until now? Only you can know whether he is a keeper or not.

Keep posting, lots of people here will offer support and ideas. You are not alone, although sometimes you may feel that way, you have a virtual network here to offer support. Sending you a big virtual hug (along with a slap around your partner's face). Take care of yourself and don't let anyone rush you into anything (including me, I may have totally misread the situation, but just feel aggrieved that your partner doesn't seem to be showing much empathy right now).
Hi Debra
Says he is sick of shouldering the workload in our joint business (unofficial partners) and he would be better off financially if I hadn't spent so much time looking after mum.
I'm very very worried if you are' unofficial' partner, there's no such thing legally and you risk losing anything, both money and time, you have invested in the business. Get yourself to a solicitor NOW to ascertain what you and he are entitled to, both business and inheritance wise.
I hate to be sceptical but I don't like the way he's wording things and what his motives are.
It may just be petty jealousy at your relationship with your Mother, but it may be a whole load more . Get legal advice Now!
MrsA
Just to clarify a few issues. My partner and I have a long term relationship but do not live together for various reasons. I lived with mum and cared for her the past few years. She signed the house over to me years ago so that is why I do not want to sell yet. The house is detached in a large plot of land. There is lots of potential though the house needs renovating. Would be worth a small fortune if it was in the S.East lol.
I do not know what is going to happen as I was happy living there and partner is refusing to move in as he does not like villages. I love being in the country, near a national park yet 20 mins from the city. It is obviously very hard at the moment living on my own after caring for mum. But I am looking forward to spring.
Although we are in business together, it is a simple set up. We share half the costs and half the profits. I own the premises. Partner has not invested any money in the building. I have already seen a solicitor.
Partner has been very supportive during the past 4 months but has no idea of grief as he still has both parents and his kids. However, he cut contact with parents years ago. He had an abusive childhood. I knew his mother and she was awful.
He envies my financial situation but I envy the fact he has family. I have no kids and no siblings so mum was the last of close family.
I dont'really know what I want to do with my life yet. Partner and I want different things yet I don't want to be alone. My mum wouldn't have anything to do with him, she thought I could do better. To be fair, she made up her mind before meeting him and that situation caused a lot of arguments. I suppose he is glad that she is dead.
Seeing my mum die of cancer has made me fearful of facing a lonely old age dependent on others. Anyone else worry about that issue?
There are lots of positives to your current situation. The best thing to do, is to do NOTHING significant for at least a year, or maybe even longer. There is absolutely no rush to do anything. Grieving takes as long as it takes. Don't let your partner push you into anything. Tell him to back off until you are ready. If he insists, then I'm afraid you need to question the relationship.
Allow yourself time to grieve, time to rediscover the new you, and time to consider your future. I can recommend a book called Starting Again by Sarah Litvinoff. Although written with people recently divorced, it applies to anyone whose life has just changed forever.
I found it much better to focus on the future when recently widowed, and this book helped me a lot. Especially the exercises looking at how you are living your life at the moment, and how you would like to live in the future. It's available on ebay, and you can dip into a chapter or section at a time.
Your house will be full of memories, which is good and bad at the same time. I found being surrounded by memories of everything we had done here, together, very distressing at first, because my husband wasn't here any more. Ten years on I just remember the fun and laughter and good times we had.
I have ditched some things so they cannot hurt me any longer. My husband's clothes went to the Salvation Army, all washed and neatly folded, to do some good in the world, with someone who needed them, now my husband had no further use for them. When I had to empty out mum's house, I gathered together all the disabled aids to go back to the Equipment Store, whilst I was glad to see the back of them, the loss of them signified the loss of mum. Strangely difficult.
Be very aware of your own moods, and work round them. If you've done sorting out for an hour, or even half an hour, then feel you don't want to do any more, then don't. Just buy plenty of tissues. Let all the recent painful memories free, then you will be left with all the good ones.
Hi Debra
Am so glad you are in a better financial and legal position than it first seemed, phew!
As so many others on here say, take the next few months to be gentle on yourself and perhaps have some counselling to work out what you really want for the future.
Practically, and being without close family, do ensure you have a Will and Power of Attorneys in place for you so that your wishes are known and adhered so. A colleague recently lost her partner suddenly and without any of the above she couldn't even arrange his funeral herself. His ex wife had to do it. What would you want done for you?
Hugs
MrsA