Mum passed away yesterday. Devastated and lost.

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
I've only just joined Carer's Uk and my mum has died!
She has passed away 5 months after finding the first symptom of vulvar cancer. She was 90 years old one month ago.

The last two years have been hell and mum went from being an independent woman who went shopping, to a shell of a person dependent on carers.

The rollercoaster started in Sept 2014 when she was knocked over in a supermarket car park. The driver was an off duty policewoman! The compensation case is still ongoing.

Mum broke her leg and recovered well but was sent to recuperate in a local cottage hospital. There she contracted a bladder infection which was neglected. She became confused, fell and broke her hip. The hip was pinned and she returned home 2 months later. Unfortunately, she fell and broke the other hip and needed a full hip replacement.

While all this was going on, she lost the sight in one eye due to a clot and also had glaucoma in both eyes. Her vision deteriorated a lot in the past few months.

The icing on the cake was the cancer diagnosis after finding a lump in June. The biopsy and CT scan in September confirmed the cancer had spread to one lymph node in the groin. She could not have an operation because she was too frail to survive such a brutal procedure. Just sitting, standing and going to the loo were agony, although the pain was controlled as she lay in bed. She was due to have palliative radiotherapy last Thursday but was in too much pain to get onto the radiotherapy bed. We were told the best course was to get the pain under control in a palliative care centre and try again later.

She entered a local hospice last Friday as she was very sleepy and confused. They changed the meds and she was ok on Saturday. She was eating and speaking to me. But on Sunday, they put her on a syringe driver because frequent injections were causing pain. She was on liquids but sleeping a lot. The doctor warned me she was deteriorating and I was given the call yesterday. I missed her death by 10 minutes :( However, I said all I needed to on Saturday.

I am so totally devastated. I have been staying at my partner's house since Friday but I came back today to my mother's house and it is so painful. Just seeing her possessions and the awful silence. It is now my house and I had to return today.

I tried so hard - I even used cannabis oil but mum was so frail that I was in a race against time and she told me she was ready to die.

One consolation is that she did not die on a grotty hospital ward but in a lovely peaceful hospice with a garden view. The nurse said that I was a very caring daughter and had done everything beyond the call of duty. Mum was mentally sharp to the end and I last took her out for a meal on her birthday.

Mum and I were very close because my father was a mean, drunken abuser who blighted our lives.I have no siblings or other close family, so feel this loss greatly. I don't know how I am going to get through the funeral and can't bear the thought I will never see or speak to her again (at least in this life). Sorry for the long post.
So very sorry for your loss. Pleased you have the consolation of knowing she was in a good place at the end.
There are no words that can really console you. You will find strength to go o. just the same as you found the strength to care for her and do your best for her in the past.
Will be thinking of you. Xx
Oh Debra I am so very, very sorry to hear of your Mum's passing. It really does hit hard when we lose a parent to whom we were very close but, trite as the old adage is, time will help. No, it won't heal the pain but, in time, it does make it easier to cope with our grief.

Please console yourself with the thought that your darling Mum is now beyond pain and went peacefully knowing that you loved and cared for her. You will get through the funeral you know - we all do because we have to and because it's the last thing we can do for them.

There is an old saying "that those who have gone before never die whilst there is still one person left who remembers them" - your Mum will live on in your memory so celebrate her life and celebrate your love for her. We will always be here to listen when you need to talk.
So very sorry, Debra, to hear of your loss. Please don't give a moment's thought to her dying when you were 10 minutes away. What matters is how you cared and loved for her during your life.

Like you, I have no siblings or close family. It was just me and mum. Yes, it is very hard and you will get through the funeral as you have no choice. Look after yourself, in time you will find that the best tribute you can give to mum is living your life.

Do not under-estimate the amount of toll the caring will have taken on you, physically and emotionally. We are here to talk when you need us.

Anne x
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. x x
Hi Debra, our forum is for current and former carers, so stay as long as you want. In the next few days, your head will be all over the place. I found the proper grieving came after the funeral. Between now and then, concentrate on the formalities. If there is anything you are not sure about, ask us, or the funeral director - they are there to help, and so are we.
Debra_16111 wrote:I've only just joined Carer's Uk and my mum has died!
She has passed away 5 months after finding the first symptom of vulvar cancer. She was 90 years old one month ago.

The last two years have been hell and mum went from being an independent woman who went shopping, to a shell of a person dependent on carers... Mum and I were very close because my father was a mean, drunken abuser who blighted our lives.I have no siblings or other close family, so feel this loss greatly. I don't know how I am going to get through the funeral and can't bear the thought I will never see or speak to her again (at least in this life). Sorry for the long post.
Hi Debra,

So sorry to hear of your loss. My mother died in January, after a slow decline which then sped up over the final 6 months of her life. There was no diagnosis of cancer and little dementia, but she had various eating/digestion problems and just faded away. So, I know how hard it is to lose your mother. I still miss speaking to her, I think I always will.

As for my father, he also died this year. He wasn't as bad as the picture you paint of your father, but he was an alcoholic who put the drink before his family for years, and quite a selfish man too, which is probably why I am not grieving in the same way for him. I have 2 siblings but only get on with one of them, and she lives too far away to be of much support. Sometimes over the years I have felt like an only child, and the bereavement has made those feelings of isolation worse.

Sorry, not meaning to hijack your thread or turn it into a pity party about my situation, just saying I think I know something of how you're feeling right now. You're not alone. Share as much or as little as you need to, nobody will judge you here. Many of us have travelled on similar journeys to yours and with support from fellow ex carers you will cope, somehow.
Debra,
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you are able to take comfort in the fact that you cared for your Mum so well and that now she is at peace.

Melly1
So sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my Mum 31 years ago when she was just 64 and I know it is so hard, no matter how old. All I can say is that there will come a time when the good memories overtake the bad ones. It is so good that you can express your feelings as I kept mine inside for a long, long time as I needed to be strong for my children. I do hope you are coping as well as you can and sending my best wishes to you all.
Debra
can't bear the thought I will never see or speak to her again (at least in this life
You will see and speak to your Mum. I do to mine and she passed away over 40 years ago. She is in my heart, my soul and my head, And yours is within you.
Just now grief may well be overtaking everything, but, in time, things will settle and you will realise her body may have gone but her teachings and her love for you live on.
Be gentle on yourself
Xxx
MrsA