I am Lost

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
What do I do now ? after 39yrs of caring my beloved has Alan passed away on the 15/03/2015 & I keep thinking I will wake up from this nightmare , but it is not a nightmare is it ,this is now my life now .
Everything has nearly been sorted & family ,friends have been great , but I am sat here with my dogs & cats wondering '' what do I do now '' .
Please some one tell me what is normal , I have forgotten who I am I have been a carer for most of our married life , friends have gone ,I am now 69yrs old can I really start my life a new with out him .
Sorry just needed to tell some one how I feel .
Pat
Hi Pat
Sorry to hear of your loss and glad you have cats and dogs for company. They will help to get you through. Make yourself a list of things you like, dogs,cats, art, cookery, travel, history-for example and pick one thing from the list. Try and think of something practical you could do relating to that subject, perhaps something you've never done before. Put some research into it and plan to do it in a week or so and build bit by bit. See if you can find anyone else also interested in it- internet is great place to start researching.
dear pat,
so sorry for your very recent loss,
i lost mr bb in august 2013,
its different for everyone i guess
i felt no need to start a new life,
i actually gave myself a year b4 i made any important decisions
and even now am taking it slowly
with sincere condolences and hugs
big bear x :)
Hello Pat,

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss - the confusion of "who am I ?" and "what do I do now ?" is something that non-Carers cannot understand or comprehend. After my Mum passed away all I got from friends was "well you can get on with your life now" as if my life were a piece of knitting that I had put aside for awhile and could just pick up again, carrying on from where I had left off !

It's early days for you and you will be still grieving so don't feel that you have to actually 'do' anything just yet - give yourself time to get over the hurt first. It's good that you have your pets by your side, they will be missing Alan too and I'm sure will be a great consolation to you - I'd be totally lost without my Harry-cat. At 69 you are not old (I'm the same age) and we and, yes, you can start a new life - it will be different to what you have been used to but it can be done. Perhaps you might start by volunteering for something - a shift in your local charity shop or maybe volunteering at a local school helping youngsters to read - there is bound to be a community notice board in your library with details of volunteering opportunities - something to think about ?

But what ever you decide, for now just be kind to you and give yourself time.
Dear Pat

When my husband died five years ago, my world ended. It just 'stopped'.....

Slowly, very, very, very slowly, it started up again. But you have only had less than a month - please, please, please go very easy on yourself.

Shock will be uppermost - 'disbelief' perhaps. The 'stages of grief' theory calls it 'denial' but it isn't really 'denial' I think, just a complete inability to 'believe' what has happened. I called it becoming a ghost in my own life....as if I'd been amputated.....

Just hang on in there. Each day will be hell, a nightmare, but little by little, so imperceptibly you cannot notice it, you will get 'breaks' from the nightmare, and those 'breaks' will start to fuse together. Eventually, maybe in a year or so, you will have more 'OK' time than 'nightmare' time....but every now and then you will 'walk over a cliff'. It can still happen - only today, I dozed off in the sunshine in the garden, and when I woke, jut for a moment, I 'forgot' I was a widow, and then the realisation that yes, my husband was dead, slammed into me. I don't think it ever fades completely.

I cannot tell you that life will get 'better' - but it WILL get 'easier'. Slowly ,very slowly, you will find 'small pleasures' in 'little things'. My life now is content, but the grief is still at the heart of me, and I wouldn't want it any other way, for my grief is my love.....

I know my husband wants me to have as happy a life now as I can, finding enjoyment in being alive, but every single day and night I think of him, and still love him, and always will.

You may find bereavement counselling a lifeline - my local hospice charity organised it. There are also online forums, such as WayUp (for older widows, like we are), which I found very supportive. Just being with 'other widows' really helped.

Kindest wishes, at such an unbearable time in your life - Jenny.
Hi Pat, I lost my husband suddenly from a heart attack, 8 years ago, and everything changed forever. We were soul mates, I worked for his business, and we had a son with severe learning difficulties, and I was also caring for my elderly disabled mum. For ages, I was a rudderless ship, I wanted to do the "right" thing, but what was that??? It is early days for you, so I'd suggest you went out every day, even for just an hour, to get some fresh air. Grief is incredibly tiring, so sleep when you want and generally look after yourself. I'd also suggest that you go away somewhere for a few days, sometimes it helps to be apart from home etc. to get your head round everything that has happened. Join "Way Up" a wonderful widows forum, and then think about a holiday. I've found a wonderful singles hotel in Crete, I go twice a year, and have lots of new friends. Life will never be the same, but it can be good if you let it, and your husband will always be with you, in your heart.
I just wanted to say how sorry I am, Pat, for your loss. Many of us understand those feelings. I have no wise words. Gradually the acute pain will subside but for the time being just hug those animals and take one day at a time. The dog walking will ensure you get some fresh air too,
dear pat, thinking of you and sending (((hugs))) love big bear x :)
I just wanted to say a big thank you to every one who posted a reply to me , also to say sorry for not answering sooner . I was going to but my husbands nick name was THE BEAR , seems a silly excuse, but every time I read the reply from Big Bear , I just crumbled into tears . Your lovely messages were such a comfort , especially the big hug from you Bear ,Alan was well known for his Bear hugs .I am slowly getting used to being a lone ,its the nights that are worse , last night was the worse yet, I am managing days by doing the garden & house work ,I laugh at myself as it is all so tidy ,I can actually finish jobs I start . All your advice I have taken on board & I know in time things will get better , so once again Thank You to every one ,just knowing your there for the bad days is such a comfort . love to you all Pat xxx
Hello Pat,
My hubby died two and a half years ago and the for the first 7 months you wouldn't have 'known' me (as being me, I mean), as I shut myself away from everything and everybody literally (curtains closed, answermachine on, music drowning out the silence of being on my own). I cared for him for 12 years (spinal injury and syringo myelia, being paralysed from neck down). I too, didn't know who I was - married at 21, unhappily married for 19 years,divorced at 41 then re-married at 42 until 2012. It's still early days for you, but you WILL gradually begin to re-think your life, as I did and decide what YOU want to do for yourself and what you want to BE, actually. Let your life evolve naturally over time, you cannot think clearly, surely, right now, but give it time - an old cliche which I didn't believe, but it's true.
Take care of yourself now, it's time you did that at least.
Thinking of you,
love
NanaFran