Help

For anyone who is bereaved or no longer providing care.
I recently lost my mum, whom I have cared for for several years, we have been together for ever and now she has gone, I have no one and no purpose in life any more. Does this hurt and emptiness ever go away. We did everything together I am 65 years old, single, my mum was 87 , now all I have are photos of her, her personal possessions and so many memories. Will I ever stop crying?
Hi Jetsmum,
Yes, you will stop crying eventually. I was widowed suddenly nine years ago, shares of Kleenex must have gone through the roof that year. I made a plan. I would go out every morning for at least an hour to do some shopping and get some fresh air, but I went shopping in the next town where no one knew me, so no awkward questions. Then I'd deal with one piece of paperwork every day, and in the evening, I'd do things like tackle the wardrobe, bit by bit, which always made me cry, but no one could see me. After two months I went away for a few days, to help me clear my head, away from things which were hurting me, and it really helped. Not a holiday, just somewhere to meander round and try to clear my head. I'd thoroughly recommend this. I went through a phase of hating everything in the house, but happily that went. As a carer, you've probably been soldiering on getting more and more tired, putting a brave face on things, so maybe you are falling over a cliff of tiredness too? Gradually try to find things which raise your mood. Maybe walking, looking at nature, a quiet day sewing, a boat trip, a massage. Even just a warm bubble bath. Each time you find something like this, do it again. For the moment, don't look too far ahead, worrying about what you will do for the rest of your life, just concentrate on today, how you are feeling. Most important of all, try to eat and sleep properly. If sleep is difficult, the doctor will give you some mild pills whilst you readjust.
Hello Jetsmum and welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for your loss.

Yes, as Bowlingbun says the hurt does go away - but it does take time and for everyone who is grieving that period of time is different because we all grieve in different ways.

My Mum died just over three years ago - I still miss her like crazy and some days feel very empty now that the caring has stopped, but the initial hurt and grief have dissipated and I'm beginning to live my life again. I have found volunteering a very useful 'tool' as it gives me a purpose and a chance to socialise.

I'm 68 and like you, single, although I do have a sister and two lovely nieces and their families but they have their own busy lives and, anyway, can't take the place of my Mum who was also my best friend.

I won't suggest what you could do to get through this period as you will find your own way; but I echo BB's comment of taking it one day at a time and looking after yourself.
Hi Jetsmum,

Very sorry to hear of your loss. How old was your mum?

I understand how you feel. I am 52, also single and lost my mum in January after caring for her for a number of years. I had also been made redundant a couple of weeks previously so it felt as if my identity had been removed.

I still struggle and miss her terribly. However, the intense pain I felt at first is now not all the time, it creeps up on me when I least expect it and makes me feel as if I have been stabbed. There are however good days too.

The main difference I find is time. Last year I didn't have a second to myself, now it stretches out in front of me with nothing to fill it.

I guess what I am saying is that you need to grieve in your own way, and give it that old cliche of time. You may never "get over" the death of your mum but you will learn to live with it. After all. What is the choice? I do feel we owe it to our mums to live our lives. Surely that is what they would have wanted.

Take care, Anne x
Hi Anne, on the widows forum, Way Up, they call it the "Grief Monster" - waiting to pounce when you least expect it. Even now, nine years after my husband died, the GM still lurks occasionally. Happily though, it's usually thoughts of the mad crazy things we did together that I remember now. I liken learning to live alone as being like a toddler learning to walk, you think you're doing fine and then fall splat on your face! (Visualise little cartoons of the GM and the toddler, then smile through the tears).