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Dad passed in December

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 1:21 pm
by Roop
Hi everyone.
My father passed away after being taken ill suddenly in the early hours of 5th December.
I looked after him for 6 years, 5 of those 24/7.
I'm only now just able to inform you.
On the first 'free' Saturday after my dad's passing, I sat on the sofa by his chair all day - like I used to for all those years - so he always had company. I could have done anything but I just sat there.
Now I have to build a life and I'm starting from rock bottom - emotionally speaking. I did all that I could for dad and those reserves are gone. I did get a job last year because we didn't have enough and the job just pays the bills, but now I have extra bills to pay - funeral, carers etc. It's all too much for me right now.
Caring is hard enough but the aftermath is horrible.

Re: Dad passed in December

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 1:50 pm
by bowlingbun
Roop, I'm sorry to hear that your dad has passed away. It takes a very long time to adjust to the loss of a loved one, longer still when you have devoted your life to caring for them. This is the time to be kind to yourself, your "new" life will gradually evolve, but it seems to take forever. Remember this is a site for current and former carers, come back as often as you like for support.

Re: Dad passed in December

Posted: Sun Jan 29, 2017 10:53 pm
by Elaine
Hi Roop,
My mum died last August and I had an optimistic idea that life would immediately go back to pre-caring 'normal'. Not so. For a start I was exhausted and could hardly lift an arm. A bit lost too because everyone else had moved on 10 years while I was caring and I was 10 years older too. I'm still, 5 months on, not up to full energy levels (whatever they turn out to be), still jumping when the phone rings and still trying to banish sad memories. Not yet got to the state here I can recall good memories. No doubt that will come in time.
I have tried to sleep when I need to, go out and about when I feel like it and I'm looking forward to the day when I have finally sorted through and disposed of, all the old papers, rubbish and possessions which mum left behind. Be kind to yourself and rest when needed. Give yourself time to find your equilibrium again. It takes a lot longer than you think it ought to. Early days yet. You should be feeling much better by mid summer.
KR
E.

Re: Dad passed in December

Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2017 8:36 am
by Melly1
Hi Roop,
Sorry to hear about your Dad.

You have been offered some good advice. Be easy on yourself.

Take care,

Melly1

Re: Dad passed in December

Posted: Mon Feb 06, 2017 3:59 pm
by Teresa_16121
Hi Roop,
Just wanted to send you my love, my dad is fading pretty rapidly, I can empathise with the emptiness you feel, like others have said "Treat yourself" be kind to yourself. Hope you have family members who can support you a bit,
Teresa xx

Re: Dad passed in December

Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 8:24 am
by Roop
Thank you everyone for your kindness and love. I'm appreciate them very much.

I can't explain this inability to be myself. Some reserve (emotional maybe?) that I've come to depend on is easily depleted. After that I simply can't function. Being easy on myself is easier said than done. I simply don't know how to reclaim my life because it was dedicated to someone else. I've forgotten how to be me.

Re: Dad passed in December

Posted: Thu Feb 09, 2017 9:11 am
by bowlingbun
Roop, I know that "forgotten how to be me" feeling so well. You are now older, and wiser, and have been through all sorts of experiences, some of you is just the same, some of you is very different. So you will never be the "old" me, and need to discover the "new" me. I'd recommend a book called "Starting Again" by Sarah Litvinoff, published by Relate, formerly marriage guidance. Lots of it is relevant to ex carers, and widows. Copies are always on ebay.
Make a list of things you've always wanted to do, big or little. Maybe learn how to take cuttings, go to America, see a particular film, join a club, an evening class, anything you like. Some easy, some a bit outside your comfort zone.
The list is yours, it can be whatever you want it to be.
Mine included how to fit invisible zips, going to Greece, seeing Katharine Jenkins live. Every time I did something, I asked myself if I enjoyed it, wanted to do it again, or hated it. Gradually you will find the "new" you, and learn to live again.
I've also made a list of things I don't want in my life any more (china cabinets with coronation mugs that were not mine) and my home is gradually more streamlined, more of "me" less of people that I once knew. I don't need to keep stacks of things belonging to dead people I loved, because they all live on in my heart forever.

Re: Dad passed in December

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 11:07 am
by Roop
bowlingbun wrote:Roop, I know that "forgotten how to be me" feeling so well. You are now older, and wiser, and have been through all sorts of experiences, some of you is just the same, some of you is very different. So you will never be the "old" me, and need to discover the "new" me. I'd recommend a book called "Starting Again" by Sarah Litvinoff, published by Relate, formerly marriage guidance. Lots of it is relevant to ex carers, and widows. Copies are always on ebay.
Make a list of things you've always wanted to do, big or little. Maybe learn how to take cuttings, go to America, see a particular film, join a club, an evening class, anything you like. Some easy, some a bit outside your comfort zone.
The list is yours, it can be whatever you want it to be.
Mine included how to fit invisible zips, going to Greece, seeing Katharine Jenkins live. Every time I did something, I asked myself if I enjoyed it, wanted to do it again, or hated it. Gradually you will find the "new" you, and learn to live again.
I've also made a list of things I don't want in my life any more (china cabinets with coronation mugs that were not mine) and my home is gradually more streamlined, more of "me" less of people that I once knew. I don't need to keep stacks of things belonging to dead people I loved, because they all live on in my heart forever.
Thanks bowlingbun. I appreciate your advice and am starting to put it into action. Reclaiming oneself after caring is very hard. I had no idea it would be such a struggle.

Re: Dad passed in December

Posted: Mon Feb 20, 2017 11:58 am
by bowlingbun
It will take a long time, there is no "quick fix" through grief, or to "find" oneself again. Just do things in small steps. Gradually, an hour at a time becomes a day at a time, and so on. However, try to be light hearted about doing different things, even when they turn out to be a disaster (and I've had a few of those), just laugh and remember, it seemed like a good idea at the time!

Re: Dad passed in December

Posted: Wed Apr 26, 2017 11:27 pm
by Kate_1704123
Hi,
I understand what You're going through, my mum died at the end of February this year and I'm struggling too. I spent so long looking after her and seeing and speaking to her every day and now there's a huge void in my life!
I hope things are starting to improve for you.