The battle to get elderly parent to actually do anything

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Next "Challenge" is shopping.

In the past, since he lives very close to town centre hes toddled down to Iceland or wherever and just brought it home. Always small amounts like £10 - £15 max. He hates spending money in one go! He gone mad in the past when hes asked me to go shopping and I've bought twice what he asked for.

Hes got a chest freezer (10% used) so I dont see why.

Anyway, hes taken to getting me to do shopping in Morrisons for him. I have one by my house but there are none near him. He says he likes some of their food. So yep I have to get it for him. 1/2 mile to morrisons then 25 miles to deliver it to him.

All well and good and its not that hard but it does mean he pulls the guilt trip and I can't miss a visit because I get the old "no food in the house" and "I can't carry it up that hill these days".

Home shopping delivery is going to be the plan. In the past hes point blank refused. Even more so if theres a charge! My dear father would rather struggle than waste a pound! Also, as I said, spending more than £10-£15 in one go is wasteful. (not sure how £15 5 times is more than £75 once but there we go).

So any recommendations? Biggest supermarket nearby is sainsburys but hes got an idea in his head that its only for rich people. (not many of those in the south wales valleys!).

I see iceland do free delivery minimum £35. That might be a plan.

I know it sounds mean but I live miles away not around the corner and it seems silly that I've got to drop everything make pretty much a two hour round trip to deliver his shopping.
Iceland ?

Shop instore ... present bonus card ... £ 20 or more ... free delivery.
With Bonus Card, you get free home delivery.

We’ll keep everything at the right temperature and deliver at a time to suit you. It’s great if you’re stocking up or buying bulky items.

Simply shop in store in the normal way, spend £20 or more and show your Bonus Card at the checkout.

Choose a time slot for your delivery, then leave the rest to us!


Always tempting ... given my age does be no favours ... even if it dents one's pride ?

" Home delivery , granddad ? " ... delivered with a straight face !
He's still trying to pull your puppet strings. Doesn't the Like it/Lump it policy apply? I remember my mum moaning like mad because Tesco didn't have her favourite Nimble bread, frankly if that was the only thing wrong in her world she should have been so happy!!
Chris From The Gulag wrote:
Thu Nov 09, 2017 10:49 am
Iceland ?

Shop instore ... present bonus card ... £ 20 or more ... free delivery.
With Bonus Card, you get free home delivery.

We’ll keep everything at the right temperature and deliver at a time to suit you. It’s great if you’re stocking up or buying bulky items.

Simply shop in store in the normal way, spend £20 or more and show your Bonus Card at the checkout.

Choose a time slot for your delivery, then leave the rest to us!


Always tempting ... given my age does be no favours ... even if it dents one's pride ?

" Home delivery , granddad ? " ... delivered with a straight face !
Thats pretty good - £20 too. He'll probably still moan or, his usual trick, say its too much hassle. If I push it he then says dont worry forget I said anything I'll manage.
bowlingbun wrote:
Thu Nov 09, 2017 11:56 am
He's still trying to pull your puppet strings. Doesn't the Like it/Lump it policy apply? I remember my mum moaning like mad because Tesco didn't have her favourite Nimble bread, frankly if that was the only thing wrong in her world she should have been so happy!!
Yeah I know that. I have found the older I get the more he seems to think its ok to put on people and make no effort himself at all - not just me. Some of the tricks he's pulled are unbelievable. Hes phoned the district nurse every single day this week to get them to give him the flu jab - in the end they've politely said can't he go to the surgery because they're really busy. Bearing in mind its 5 mins walk (or 1 min taxi).

With my Dad he won't sit down and think of the best way to achieve something, he won't even think about something when someone presents him with an idea, he'll just assume the only way is for someone to do it for him and to not even think for himself.

Hes sat in hospital waiting for transport for 5 hours before because he didnt think of getting a taxi home (or probably want to pay the £10). Hes expect me to drive 80 miles from work to collect him to take him to hospital even when I sorted out patient transport for him because it was "a lot of hassle and I'd rather you take me".

Biggest is the bathroom situation. Can't get into bath - his solution = don't wash or struggle to get in and out. Correct solution is to speak to social services and get a grant. Took me months to get him to agree. More recently, struggles with stairs in house and getting to toilet. His solution = pee in a bottle. (ewww!) At the end of the months of arguments about that - another grant to get a stair lift - hes still moaning a bit because its costing him £130 (two stairlifts total COST over £3K)
On a slightly different note, he is going to have to cope on his own for a bit. I've got a teenage son whos got lots of psychological problems. Its not been easy - back and fore to counsellors. Its got pretty bad and hes had a few meltdowns.
It seems very difficult to get help for adolescents on the nhs. Its been a very trying time and very stressful for everyone.

Dad moaning about his shopping pails into insignificance a bit!

Pointless me telling Dad about things. Generally for things like that he just makes it worse with stupid comments. I had depression years ago and wish I'd never told him. It was either helpful advice "well you've just got to pull yourself together" or he'd be constantly worrying about me and hassling me continuously.

It'd be same with son I know. It'd be "all kids need these days is a good hiding" and then next sentence it'd be back to his shopping concerns.
Just looked at Tescos- they do a deal of £7.99 per month for limitless deliveries 7 days a week, not bad if you shop little and often. I'm a great convert to Tesco Home Delivery, I do more than half my shopping that way now and will definitely be using them coming up to Christmas so I don't have to see all the silly hats at the checkouts and hear all the Christmas music Bah Humbug. I misght just stay indoors now until Boxing Day when I can hit the sales :lol:
Just looked at Tescos- they do a deal of £7.99 per month for limitless deliveries 7 days a week, not bad if you shop little and often. I'm a great convert to Tesco Home Delivery, I do more than half my shopping that way now and will definitely be using them coming up to Christmas so I don't have to see all the silly hats at the checkouts and hear all the Christmas music Bah Humbug. I mightjust stay indoors now until Boxing Day when I can hit the sales :lol:
Paul - your son comes first. First last and always. No question about it.

Your dad will survive - and if things get bad, tell his GP that he is 'home alone' and it's 'over to them' for whatever they want to do about it, you are OUT of the picture for the duration (and you have no idea how long the duration is going to be). Hand him over to your bro, whatever. Change your phone number. Whatever.

Just don't 'include' him on your To Do list.

Like I say, your focus now is your son. Do read some of the sections here from parents of children with psych problems/issues, as there is a lot of infor/suggestion/guidance on how to make the NHS work as best it can. If you can afford private counselling etc that might be money WELL invested (better than uni fees or inheritance!). The important thing with adolescents with 'issues/problems' is to address them early and 'cut them off at the pass'. The longer they last, the more the youngster identifies themselves as 'someone with issues' (my niece has had 'issues' for over twenty years now......it's PART of her, and it is NOT a healthy way of regarding herself)

Also, it could be, and I don't say this trivially, as school is NOT trivial for youngsters, it's the major part of their lives (bar home) (sometimes even more than home), but it could be that this is just a 'bad school year' for him.

My son did NOT enjoy his years about 15-17 at school. It wasn't too bad, but he felt he wasn't part of the 'cool kids' and that 'all the others' had girlfriends/went to parties etc etc. Then, in the Upper Sixth, it suddenly 'all came together'. He went to a speed dating charity event with the local girls school, and hooked up with a nice girl who, like him, was quite 'quiet' and 'uncool', and they got together and went out with each other, and he took her to the May Ball (they were SO SWEET in their tux/evening gown! :) :) :) ) etc etc. (They split at uni, but in a way that was good - hard to have a long distance girlfriend!)

At school, everything gets magnified hugely, and what to adults seems 'trivial' can loom horrendously, and they feel out of place and 'different. Sometimes that is all it takes.

If they do feel 'alien' at school, then I would strongly suggest that he take up activities in a 'non-school' or 'beyond' school' environment - eg, he does something like, oh, karate classes or takes up climbing or something that is not just part of the school, but will involve younsters from other schools etc etc.

Also on that point, I would also strongly suggest that he takes up something 'phsyical'. Many schools assume that the 'only' activitiy is sport, but many lads are NOT good footballers etc (mine wasn't) (as in, never made the team!), but there are loads of different sporting activities and the trick is to find one he takes to, which may well not be a team sport.

Also, sport of any kind does two really, really important things - it gives them endorphins, so they 'feel better' and also ofcourse it makes their bods better! And you can't tell me that an adolescent lad isn't HIGHLY bod-conscious! If he can so any kind of gym membership, even better (a personal trainer could be a really good investment - and not all of them are 'Arnies' - as in, my nephew is one, and he was NOT an 'Adolescent Arnie' - far from it - he had that embaarrasing male condition of 'moobs' - it's hormonal, and he had to have treatment, but he was excruciatingly shy about it - BUT, I say this because he's NOW 'god-like' (!!!) but it did NOT come naturally - he MADE his body fit etc etc, so a good PT can actually offer 'counselling' of a sort too)

If your son thinks his bod looks better, with more muscle definition, etc etc, he WILL feel better about himself.

However, one thing I would say to watch out for is this - the 'over-medicalisation' of 'adolescent angst'. Adolesence is a pretty crap time for loads of us, and these days the pressure to be FaceBook Perfect is intense. So do watch out for 'misery' being 'diagnosed' as 'psych-problems'.....it may not be.

Also, there can be peer-group pressure to 'have issues'. This is happening with my nieces step-daughter, and she is now 'in' with a group of 13 y/o girls who 'all have issues', and discussing 'cutting' etc etc etc. OK, some of this is just 'bonkers adolescene' but again, it's important it doesn't 'become' them 'for ever'......

In the end, it's a very tricky balance between 'poo-pooing' it' (your father's extreme reaction!!!!) and 'overfussing'.

One GOOD thing though - he isn't 'hiding' it, and that is always the scariest of al, when you have 'no idea' they are deeply unhappy with their lives.....

Wishing you all the best possible - and hope your lad comes through this before too long.

PS - just thought, as well as 'exercise' in general, 'helping others' can really lift the spirits too. So something like volunteering, maybe, at an animal rescue centre. It's about 'empowering' as well as putting woes into perspective.....
Just what I was thinking before I got to the end of your post Jenny- some charity work helping those less fortunate and to take his mind off his own issues- St John Ambulance, RNLI, Mountain Rescue, Animal charities- where ever his interests lie. Will be an investment when it comes to putting together a CV later on as well.