The battle to get elderly parent to actually do anything

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
When dad died, mum wouldn't let me put a notice in the local paper. They had lived in the same area for 50 years. Forever after, mum moaned that no one ever wrote to her with condolences after dad died. Well how were they supposed to know?!?!
To me this illustrates totally how impossible it is to please some people.
Only one of my friends has remained loyal to me. The others have disappeared. None of hubby's mates have bothered. I've made a couple of new friends, but life is lonely at times. I still don't feel ready to go on a holiday without hubby. Am going to Chatsworth House with my friend, end of November,. It's a Dickens Christmas display. A coach trip. Very much looking forward to it, and I won't be worrying about fats and calories on that day!
In the meantime, I'm learning to live on my own. No choice.
Dark nights are drawing in, so I have to count some blessings. Can have the heating on when I want, so can be cosy. Miss hubby dreadfully at times. I understand the going back to an empty house.
At this time of the year, I try to get out and about when there is daylight, and save the housework/paperwork until the evening. It's not so lonely that way.
Although my eldest son lives with me, he's usually doing his own thing, and goes to bed really early as he has to be up early, sometimes at 5am.
Hi Peeps

Just wanted to say am touched by your honest messages from some more senior ladies) (hope don't mind me describing you as such!)

I may forget how easy it is for me as a 'lone wolf' (as my now ex-wife described me) to barrel on. Only child, never particularly wanted fit-in, etc.

Truth be told, my becoming de-facto carer has been quite a relief emotionally compared to rollercoaster my attempt at 'normality' subjected me to.

To that end, I empathise with both Paul and his dad. My mum is so similar. While always making effort in her home with my ex she simply could not be bothered with trying playing happy families. I remember took my 'new family' (as my mum pejoratively describe my partner's family :dry: ) to a well known resort town thirty miles from my mum's home but she wouldn't even come for a morning. (To be fair she did come for two Christmas however spent most time drinking...)

Obviously one can't have one's cake and eat it though. If someone won't join in and can't be persuaded just have get on without them surely?
No offence taken. I just wish someone had told me that I'd never win so I could give up making so much effort to please. It's such an easy "trap" to fall into. Life could have been so different.....
bowlingbun wrote:
Fri Oct 13, 2017 4:10 pm
When dad died, mum wouldn't let me put a notice in the local paper. They had lived in the same area for 50 years. Forever after, mum moaned that no one ever wrote to her with condolences after dad died. Well how were they supposed to know?!?!
To me this illustrates totally how impossible it is to please some people.
Yep I can imagine my Dad doing something like that. Like I said he moans he never goes out then pretty much knocks back 95% of offers to take him anywhere.
Never forget, some folk LIKE to moan! It gives them great pleasure and satisfaction.

Some folk LIKE being 'hard done by' (and this doesn't just apply to crotetchy elderly people!!!!)

Slighly differently, my MIL, in her heyday used to like going to expensive restaurants with my husband and me - and then saying they weren't worth the money! :) :) :)
Should add "Never want to spend anything" to this! this is classic.

Dad as you know is fairly well off. His main interest is watching sport on tv and he especially likes horse racing (he bets a pound or two a day). On sky, there used to be a free horse racing channel and a paid one.

Recently the free one went. So he moaned that he was lost without being able to watch the horse racing. £8 a month I told him. He spent literally two weeks thinking about it because £8 is a "lot of money". He even phoned me three times to discuss it and asked me to ask sky if they would swap it for anotjer channel he didnt want. (Umm no dad things like this are standalone and you have to pay for it). So he agreed.

Phoned me again last night. Hes worried about wasting money and plans to do without it. How can you spend so much worrying about £8 a month when you're loaded? I worked it out and I reckon his money being spent at £8 a month would run out in 2317. Should be ok then!

Saying that hes probably wasted hours of my time moaning about this, me looking into it and almost setting it up for him to change his mind!
Paul, I think you're missing the point. He LIKES to moan and complain, and most of all, wants to have your attention by requiring you to discuss it and agonise over it with him.

His life is very limited. He has to have things to think about, to occupy his mind - after all, there are so many things he's not the slightest bit interested in, such as his grandchildren (sadly).

To be honest, I don't think you should discuss these trivial things with him, or try and persuade or convince him etc. Just say 'OK Dad, your choice if you don't want to spent eight pounds a month. You'll have to do without the horse racing'.

When he then complains that he can't see the horse racing you just say 'Well, Dad, you'll just have to fork out eight pounds a month, won't you.'

JUST DON'T DISCUSS IT - it only makes you exasperated etc, and it will have absolutely no influence on him whatsoever.

What does the sign say 'Don't feed the hungry-for-argument'....? Remember it! It's his equivalent of 'clickbait'!!!
O my,. what a very depressing thread.
Well, at 84 now, I'm not going to close down mentally. :D

One day I shall give that ol' bucket a mighty, mighty kick and be gone !!