Can't quite get my head around it!

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Couple of things actually

One is this new layout on the site, but I will get used to that :roll: :roll:

The other is my partner's dementia and how it goes.... it seems to be getting worse after his latest illness - cellulitis, which is now on the mend. He also has a stoma and bag that he cannot manage.

I might not express this at all well but here goes.......

He thinks he is mentally OK - I know that is common in these cases.

But because he thinks he is OK, then I find myself thinking he is OK, even though I know he isn't. I have Power of Attorney along with his son, and I feel it is time to start using it, but also feel that it is an insult to my partner. - something has to be done, as his money management has gone and he is spending more than he has available.

But also, he used to go swimming, sauna, shower twice a week with the enabler. He has not been able to do this for a few weeks because of the cellulitis, but now he has decided he does not want to go again at all - but he will not use the shower at home, so his hygiene is slipping ( has slipped).

We have funding from Direct Payments which pays for the enabler,allowing me some respite, so he ( the enabler) and I have been working on the idea of him taking my partner on various outings. My partner now does not want to go, even though I have said we will lose the money if he does not use it.

I think we have reached the stage with the dementia where I simply have to TELL my partner, what outings are planned, rather than expecting him to agree or make a choice - does that seem right?? :-???

It just seems very uncomfortable to me, for me to take the choices away from him, when he thinks he is functioning OK.

This mental acceptance for me is very hard, as he previously was a very intelligent man, and that was one of the things that attracted me to him, as a soul mate, only 7 years ago. My IQ is 146, and I thought I had found someone to share my life with similar interests and now it's all skewed.......

Am I right to start to take decision making off him in certain circumstances?

Thank you one and all...... :)
Especially where personal hygiene is concerned, he needs to be told what is going to happen, not given a choice. Focus on what he NEEDS now. It's an incredibly sad situation, especially for someone who was once so intelligent.
It's the same as far as money is concerned.
My dad was one of the government's top scientists, a brilliant mathematician. He had prostate cancer, and towards the end, he made some very unwise financial decisions. Mum, housebound, always left all the financial matters to him. The first we knew of the problems was when her debit card didn't work, just after he died. I was the one who had to tell mum she had inherited well over £10,000 of debts. Later, I had to tell her that she didn't own half the house as she thought!
Fortunately, I was able to sort everything out for mum, but I'm telling you this to show that it's much better to act sooner, rather than later, to protect the finances.
I would suggest going to see the bank, so they know what you are doing, and why. Move the bulk of his money into an account which doesn't have a card attached to it, leaving him access only to "pocket money".
As you have POA, you can ask DWP to pay the benefits into the new account, because whether he understands or not, you still have household bills to pay!
Mary,
I think you are right. I agree with BB and others will too. You don't want to add debt to your problems. If he had full capacity he wouldn't want to get in debt too.

Re the hygiene and outings, he can't never wash again and you need him to have outings so that you get a break. He might have lost his nerve re going out, so maybe plan some short outings to start with and have an outing yourself, so when he and the enabler get back early, you still get the full benefit of the break. Exercise is of course important, so definitely work to reinstate that ASAP. For the hygiene, offer him an element of choice ie to have a full body wash or a shower, or follow it by something he really likes (like you would a child,) ie have your shower and then we'll have one of those lovely, tasty ... you like do much/ we'll be in time for X on the TV etc etc

Melly1
bowlingbun wrote:
Tue Sep 05, 2017 7:24 am
Especially where personal hygiene is concerned, he needs to be told what is going to happen, not given a choice. Focus on what he NEEDS now. It's an incredibly sad situation, especially for someone who was once so intelligent.
It's the same as far as money is concerned.
My dad was one of the government's top scientists, a brilliant mathematician. He had prostate cancer, and towards the end, he made some very unwise financial decisions. Mum, housebound, always left all the financial matters to him. The first we knew of the problems was when her debit card didn't work, just after he died. I was the one who had to tell mum she had inherited well over £10,000 of debts. Later, I had to tell her that she didn't own half the house as she thought!
Fortunately, I was able to sort everything out for mum, but I'm telling you this to show that it's much better to act sooner, rather than later, to protect the finances.
I would suggest going to see the bank, so they know what you are doing, and why. Move the bulk of his money into an account which doesn't have a card attached to it, leaving him access only to "pocket money".
As you have POA, you can ask DWP to pay the benefits into the new account, because whether he understands or not, you still have household bills to pay!
Thankyou BB, you are right. I do have another account set up for him re pocket money, but not activated it yet, as I did not think we have reached that situation, but obviously, we have. I did not know I could ask DWP to pay his money into the new account - so that is what I will have to do.
Re hygiene, I cannot make him understand that because of the stoma etc, he really needs to be extra vigilant - so again, I have to tell him rather than ask him.

I think the hard part, never having had dealings with dementia before, is me realising when things have taken another downturn, as they do with vascular dementia.

It's very wearing, isn't it?

thanks again
Yes, it's extremely wearing!

I was fortunate, I know, in that my MIL has been very 'peaceable' perhaps is the right word - amenable almost - but that is with me. With her carers she can be less so - and even with me she won't let me wipe her jam-sticky face, she flaps her hands at me and blocks my access.

The bottom line is that as dementia gets it's vile grip they become trapped in a world which is impossible to 'get through to'.....they simply won't cooperate because to them they see no need for it. We can't reason with them, explain or anything - that's why we have to 'tell' them, and even then expect resistence. They don't want to do what they don't want to do. In way, that old Victorian expression 'wilful' (!) becomes the most accurate - and the MOST frustrating.

It is, I think, sadly (and grimly) why it's SO easy to lose one's temper with someone with dementia.....they just seem to be 'wifully resisting' what you are doing (a) for their own good and (b) at considerable personal sacrifice for yourself!! Insult to injury!

I suspect too, in your case, if I may say so, that there is likely to be an element of 'denial' going on - ie, you are reluctant to 'tell' him because that confirms to you just how bad he's become. It's 'shoving it in your face' that the person you've lived with for seven years is disappearing/has, indeed, already largely gone.

There's a poignant cry in another thread recently 'I just want my mum back!'.....and of course, that's what we want, we want the person we love BACK ....and they aren't coming back. Their lfe is really 'over in all but name' and it hurts, hurts hurts....

So, yes, I do feel for you 'wanting and hoping' that it isn't 'time yet' to activate your POA etc etc, but alas it is. Similarly, I hated each and every damn letter that arrived 'To the Executors of....' my husband - each one was like a punch in the face that he was, in brute fact, dead - he wasn't coming back.

I suspect that is what you are feeling now, every time you have to make a decision on your partner's behalf - it's like a punch in the face that he is 'disappearing'.....

Please do get the finances under your active control ASAP - money worries are the last thing you need on top of everything else!
Hello Mary
My husband too forgot how to manage money and debt spiralled. I'm still chipping away at this, and will be for some time yet. Fortunately the court of Protection can see that, and are happy for me to continue. It's a horrible situation to be in. I would advice you take control ASAP.
Hygiene is a difficult one. But a treat after his wash shower etc may be the way. I know, a couple of times when hubby has needed changing at the home, when I've been there, I've said you must, if you won't get better. We will have a cup of tea and cake when you've finished. Seemed to encourage it. When back in the room he asked me for a cake!! This is not my husband pre dementia! Each step downwards is like a kick in the stomach. Yes,it is very hard,
Mary, send DWP a copy of the POA - and give them the new account details. They may ask for a certified copy. If you post it, be sure to send it recorded. Nevertheless, DWP may send it back through the ordinary post!
If you have a DWP office near you, then it may be easier just to take the copy into them, then they can do a quick photocopy without any fuss, but they may not accept a photocopy you take.
I know this seems daft, but it's all to do with security, especially as a POA is such an important document. However, local DWP offices are getting further and further apart, so it depends on where you live and where they are. I remember you saying your village was fairly isolated.