Help and advice desperately needed.

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bowlingbun wrote:What does mum want? Maybe you should ask Social Services to arrange and independent advocate? It could be considered Deprivation of Liberty.
Can I ask who owns the house? Do you sisters think they can sell up and split the proceeds if mum goes into the home?!
Thank you for your advice. Mum says she would prefer to come home. I've been in touch with Social Services and they are appointing a social worker. I will definitely consider an advocate to speak foe Mum or myself.
Mum passed away yesterday. I tried to get her back home, but the social services took over 2 weeks just to appoint someone to Mum.
I knew she would decline rapidly in the care home, but no one would listen to me. She must have felt abandoned and alone, her heart and spirit broken. I'm sure Mum would have had more time if she had come back home with me, months even.
Now she's gone and I've never felt so low and so useless
There is a condolences thread for Phill, here https://www.carersuk.org/forum/social-a ... 22#p364822

Melly1
I'm so sorry Phil, but at least mum isn't suffering any more. You must NOT blame yourself, you were doing your very best to help mum, and I'm sure she knew that. What more could you have done?
I've lost six relatives in recent years, so I know that you are going to go through a huge amount of conflicting emotions in the next few weeks. There will be some formalities to attend to, don't hesitate to come back to the forum at any time, and ask us anything at all, because it's for former as well as current carers. Now you must be kind to yourself, and please make sure you eat properly, otherwise you will feel even worse.
Phil, please please do think what your poor mum may have been SPARED.....Yes, you may well think 'oh, if only I'd got her home!' but none of us know what is around the corner.And sometimes, with hindsight, one can only think 'maybe it was better this way'

I will give you two examples from my own circumstances -

My 89 y/o MIL was living independently four years ago - then dementia set in. Now she is in an advanced state of mental decay and it is pitiable. Had she died at 89 I might well have, like you, hoped she'd have had another few years of 'comfortable life', fully enjoying things and so on. But had I known what was waiting for her I'd have been SO grateful that she'd passed away at 89....

A similar situation is with my friend. Her father, also independent. was found lying on the kitchen floor, and rushed into hospital. It was touch and go - but he pulled through. My friend brought him home to live with her. FIVE YEARS ON he is still there and in a VERY poor way indeed. Again, had he not pulled through that time, she .and he...would have been spared all this now....

So please, please, if you can - under the grief and regret now - think of what she has NOT had to endure......

Losing a parent, whatever our age, always always makes us feel like 'orphans' and it is very ,very hard to bear.

Your mother knew you loved her ,and was devoted to her - she's at peace now, and nothing can assail her or trouble her ever again. You were her loving son to the end - and I hope 'beyond the end'.....

How good a mother she must have been for her son to weep for her! That is her tribute now. There are mothers in this sad and sorry world whom no child would weep for. your mother is not one of them. And that is to be rejoiced at.

Thinking of you at this saddest, saddest time, Jenny
Thank you all so much for your kind thoughts, it really does mean a lot at this most difficult time.