Loneliness in the elderly + rant!

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Just writing to vent some anger! My situation is that up until March my Mum was caring 24/7 for my Dad with Huntington's Disease. They had both refused all help for years causing much stress and anguish for myself and my sister. We have basically spent the past 6 years lurching from crisis to crisis with them. We had increasingly become worried about Mum's memory and ability to cope, but she refused to see a dr or seek help.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, massive crisis finally hit back in March and Dad was admitted to hospital. It has been an awful 6 months with Dad bed blocking in hospital as no nursing home would take him due to his very high level of needs. We have been through CHC, were refused and appealed and had it granted. Due to her confused state when Dad was taken into hospital we managed to get Mum to the drs and she has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. On top of the huge emotional toll there has been a huge amount of running around trying to get things sorted for them.

This week Dad has finally been admitted to a specialist neurological unit, which is a massive, massive weight off our mind. Mum has carers coming in several times a week which she doesn't like, but surely better that we know she is safe and fed. We have started to actually have some quality time with her not involving medical appointments, sorting out benefits and all the other cr*p that goes with caring for someone and I was starting to see light at the end of the tunnel. In the past week I've had her and another elderly relative over for the afternoon and taken her out shopping . She has been out to lunch with my sister twice and over for dinner at her house. This morning I popped in for a coffee and a cake and she was just massively sorry for herself and angry with me and put me on a massive guilt trip about how lonely her life is. I completely acknowledge that there are big chunks of time when she is on her own, but she has someone in everyday and has large chunks of time with my sister and myself several times a week. This from someone who has never actually carved a social life for herself when her and Dad were well. If I suggest any social activity, she is massively condescending about it. I just feel sick of myself and my sister being her only source of entertainment and her resenting that we are not there more often, when I already feel we do a lot already, I have 2 young kids and am looking for a new career having given up work to look after them and my parents. And my sister runs a small business. I am guessing that some of this is the dementia and I tried not to react, hence the ranting here! She has a view of a lovely bygone age when she was growing up when she lived in a little village "and people took care of the old folk". I just feel completely at full stretch as it is and this still isn't good enough.

Urgh, anyway, rant over. This site has been a massive support and I had actually been planning to write an update this weekend about how things were starting to move on!
Hi Sally,
From what I have read on here, older carees often only want close family members to support them and socialise with them. You have done well to get her to accept outside care workers.

A lot of members talk about setting boundaries and sticking to them. If she wont attend a luncheon club, memory cafe or day centre etc then she will have more periods when she is alone. She must be missing your Dad a lot, especially if she has been used to caring for him. Is she able to go to visit him regularly?

Others will be along to advise further.

Melly1
Sally,
Mum has simply lost the ability to focus on anyone other than herself. It's a common characteristic of the over 85's, but obviously your mum has been under a lot of strain because of dad. I strongly suspect that she forgets your last visit, and probably tells everyone "Sally hasn't visited me for AGES" even if you were there the day before.
Try to develop a few "set phrases". Like "Frailty is the price you pay for a long life". "You are lucky I don't live in Australia".
Don't let this make you feel a failure, as YOU ARE NOT. You have done your vey best for a very long time to support her to the very best of your ability.
What you have to do now is focus on what you are still doing, and feel proud of it. Dump the guilt. Here, we try to convert "guilt" into "sad". It's not your fault, or mum's, or dad's that they are in the situation they are in.
Your children must now be your top priority. If mum kept refusing all your efforts to socialise, then MUM is to blame, not you.
(After my dad died, my mum was adamant that she didn't want a death notice in the paper. Dad had lived and worked in the same area since 1952, and was well respected. From then on, mum complained that she never had one letter of condolence after dad died. Obviously her fault, because she didn't put the notice in the paper!!!
You can't win this "battle", so try to accept it and give up trying. The power mum has over you is the power you let her have, so don't let this spoil your life, don't do more, and more and more, because sadly, it won't work.
I would strongly urge you not to use year of birth for key safe code- it is so obvious- as a carer nearly all my clients do this and those of a certain age are predictably born in 1920s or 1930s so that means a burglar only needs to guess 1 digit and can get in after 9 attempts! Please try and be more imaginative.
I didn't realise it was so common!
My mum's pin number for the bank was the phone number of where we lived for many years, really easy to remember.
My PIN number for my bank card is the number of our phone at the house we lived in when we were first married. So I write the address on the back of the bank card, but only I know the number!
M's PIN number for his debit card relates to one of our steam engines.
Much easier to use a number you know already perhaps.
We never have to remember 5 digit numbers though, so I'll never be able to use mum's co op divi number, 23863!