Dad and illness

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BB - I guess hes not the only one.

It just seems nuts to me that there are so many ways to make things possible even if you are ill/old. To just sit there and moan seems criminal to me.
Well back from hols and Dad didnt kick off too much. He did try to dictate to me how often I should phone home but I told him no. He moaned a bit but I ignored him.

I was in Florida during the hurricane. It was all ok to be honest no big issues. But he flapped big time about this. Hes got a habit of doing that - getting involved in things/worrying about things that I tell him are fine. Half the time I dont tell him some things because he makes a nusiance of himself.

Under no illusions that hes just going through a good spell at the moment. First cold of the winter and it'll be back to normal.

Despite feeling guilty about it still going to stick to the "No for xmas day" idea. He'd be OK if he was like he is now but fully aware after last year that if he decides hes ill he'll play up. I just cant make excuses to my wife about that behaviour. Its just not fair on her.

Question now of how and when I let him know. Can guarantee he will have assumed already. And will have a big issue with it.
Don't tell him yet. No point. Wait until half way through December at least, and then spring it on him. Has your brother 'volunteered' to take him for Xmas Day? If not, offer Dad a different day - I think you mentioned that Boxing Day would be better for you than Christmas Eve, but whatever you go for he won't be happy, so it doesn't really matter!

This Xmas Day is for you, your wife and your children. Sad but true. Your dad has brought this on himself, and whether he realises that or not (not, obviously!) that is the situation.

Glad you enjoyed Florida and I'm sure the kids found it exciting! (Including the hurricane....)

But I do think no point telling Dad about Xmas. If he assumes, then let him, and then when you tell him near the time, you can blame 'work' or 'your wife's shifts' or whatever whatever. or 'confusiong with your brother'. Doesnt' matter what.

If you tell him now he'll just go on and on and on and on and on about it for months - and be unhappy about it too.
Hmm yes. Wife is absolutely fine with boxing day... He'll still be hard work but her main issue is that his behaviour impinges on the kids. By boxing day, the presents are open etc. She has a point.

Thing is since wifes a nurse hes going to pretty much know that xmas shifts are sorted in advance. Also I would like to give him some opportunity to sort alternative arrangements out.

Brother I hear via facebook plans to be away over xmas it seems. Might or might not happen. Either way first call will be for me to say "so are you having Dad over xmas because I cant this year". Can guarantee his sister and cousin will already have their own plans so wont want to step up mind. Same ones who in the past have criticised me.
Hi Paul
Assuming brother and youself are busy on Christmas Day, what would you like your Dad to be doing? If he has no willing and able friends to invite him over have you looked into pub dinners for elderly/singles and taxi hire? You can organise his day in advance without telling him, or of course he can stay at home with Christmas TV and meal delivery that you could prepare or arrange in advance. Which would he prefer (he won't be happy with either) .
As for your wife's shifts, sometimes things crop up at last minute- colleague off sick, extra busy on her ward unexpectedly etc etc, be a little creative and do some preparation in advance if need be------and then Forget About It! It has been worrying you for such a long time and you are doing the best that you can.
Henrietta wrote:
Tue Sep 19, 2017 8:32 am
Hi Paul
Assuming brother and youself are busy on Christmas Day, what would you like your Dad to be doing? If he has no willing and able friends to invite him over have you looked into pub dinners for elderly/singles and taxi hire? You can organise his day in advance without telling him, or of course he can stay at home with Christmas TV and meal delivery that you could prepare or arrange in advance. Which would he prefer (he won't be happy with either) .
As for your wife's shifts, sometimes things crop up at last minute- colleague off sick, extra busy on her ward unexpectedly etc etc, be a little creative and do some preparation in advance if need be------and then Forget About It! It has been worrying you for such a long time and you are doing the best that you can.
Hi Henrietta - I'd like him to have a nice xmas day. But, last year he showed he wants what he wants and everyone else has to take 2nd place.Thats the main problem.

Problem is the going anywhere else is going to be the big issue. As I've said before, I live miles away so I can't even nip out for 10 mins drop him off somewhere etc. Can guarantee no other family will be willing to drive anywhere on xmas day. (Even though for years - not that its too much of an issue for me - I've not got home till 5/6pm after doing drop-off so cant drink even if I wanted to!!!!).

Taxi - even if I paid for it. NEVER until hell freezes over would he pay for or allow someone to pay for a taxi on any other day let alone xmas day. Same if I paid for food for him.

I know whats going to happen. Hes assuming it'll be business as usual this year. Then I'll tell him and make suggestions. Each suggestion will get knocked back - because he doesnt want to bother that person (he has no qualms about putting me out!). Then he'll wait for a bit to see I backtrack. Eventually, then he'll say something like "oh well looks like I'l be on my own for xmas day then - not worth sorting my own dinner - I'll have a cheese sandwich or something".
(Even though hes perfectly capable or preparing his own food normally.

Then he'll sigh and say "Well Im getting on a bit now, wont be my best xmas day all on my own, but it might be my last".
A bit of a way out thought here - depending on how confused he gets but you may get away with it- can you put his clocks back a day tell him Boxing Day is Christmas Day- record anything he wants on TV and put it on a day later? .
Damn, just wrote a long reply and lost it (damn IT!!!!)(bah, who WRITES this code, eh, Paul???!)

Anyway, in brief -

Tel him 'Dad, last year you were a rubbish guest, and you ruined Xmas for us - so this year you're only coming over on Boxing Day. If you behave well on BD, we'll consider having you to us for next Xmas.' Don't debate why he was a rubbish guest, as he will only disagree anyway.

Re cheese sandwich - either make or buy a 'frozen Xmas Dinner' and then he has the choice of that or a sandwich. He'll complain either way.

Xmas is for children primarily so they take priority. You will feel guilty about them if your dad comes over, and guilty for your dad if he does'nt come over. But because Xmas is primarily for children, it's more important they have a good Xmas Day than your dad.

Can you plan a nice treat for kids on 27th, since they'll have had their granddad on the previous day?

Your dad's brought this on himself - shame, but there it is. Not your responsibility - it's his.
Cunning plan from Henrietta! Would it work, do you think??????????????
PS - DO NOT phone your dad Xmas morning - firstly he'll make you feel guilty, and ssecondly he'll tel you he's ill....he may phone of course on Xmas morning to tell you he's ill. These are ploys to make you go and get him!