Dad and illness

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Perhaps you have to hear your mother's side of the story? There is no happy divorce, alas, and no happy outcome for children - but then nor is there for children of an unhappy marriage.

If your dad did look after you as children, then fine, and that is good to have those memories. Right now, though, he is a 'different person' and you can't dance around him all the time - he's a bottomloess pit, and even if, say, you abandoned your wife and the children he didn't want you to have (!), and moved in with him and gave up your job and devoted yourself totally to him you must, must must understand HE WOULD STILL MOAN.

Moaning is what he does - he'll do it WHATEVER. It has no rational cause, no external cause, it comes from within, from his personality and it is a bottomless pit as I say. You CANNOT MAKE HIM HAPPY. He doesn't want to be, and that's that.

That's why you have to put on your suit of emotional armour and just 'not be bothered by him'....'disengage' mentally and emotionally. With practice, it gets easier....

As BB says, you've come a long way!

It won't really be over until he dies (sadly), but there it is - after he's dead you'll remember the good things and the happy times, and that will be his legacy to you.
jenny lucas wrote:Perhaps you have to hear your mother's side of the story? There is no happy divorce, alas, and no happy outcome for children - but then nor is there for children of an unhappy marriage.

If your dad did look after you as children, then fine, and that is good to have those memories. Right now, though, he is a 'different person' and you can't dance around him all the time - he's a bottomloess pit, and even if, say, you abandoned your wife and the children he didn't want you to have (!), and moved in with him and gave up your job and devoted yourself totally to him you must, must must understand HE WOULD STILL MOAN.

Moaning is what he does - he'll do it WHATEVER. It has no rational cause, no external cause, it comes from within, from his personality and it is a bottomless pit as I say. You CANNOT MAKE HIM HAPPY. He doesn't want to be, and that's that.

That's why you have to put on your suit of emotional armour and just 'not be bothered by him'....'disengage' mentally and emotionally. With practice, it gets easier....

As BB says, you've come a long way!

It won't really be over until he dies (sadly), but there it is - after he's dead you'll remember the good things and the happy times, and that will be his legacy to you.
To be honest, I think that ship has sailed with my mother - its been almost 50 years! To be honest, she has contacted me in the past but its a bit hit and miss. I had a birthday card once on my wifes birthday and vice versa one year!

Yep I do think I'm getting better with Dad. I know what you mean - he is never going to stop moaning. He is just not interested in not moaning as you say.

Two weeks to holiday at least. :-) Then 17 days in florida.
Florida sounds fab! Hope you all enjoy it! Don't forget to 'turn left' at the theme parks as apparently most people turn right, and so the queues are a tad shorter on the 'turn left' direction.....

Please do ensure that whatever happens with your dad when you are away, you 'leave him to it' ...including hospitalisation (or worse....) if it happens.

When my friend had a 'holiday of a lifetime' (thousands of miles from home) she basically 'made terms' which were that 'if my dad dies while I'm away with my children, so he dies'......her rushing home would change nothing, and that was that.

That may sound harsh, but it is true - if your dad needs hospitalisation, then not having you there won't make any difference to the outcome, good or bad......

This holiday is for you, your wife, and your kids, and they will remember it all their lives! It's really important they have it unspoilt and uninterrupted.

All the best for it - KR, J
It's unthinkable to imagine a mother abandoning her children, but clearly it is possible.....there is nothing that can be said, really, in her defence, is there? Perhaps extreme mental illness, but otherwise?
But did she abandon them, or did he take them. That's what my grandmother did, whilst my grandfather was at work, she moved out and took dad with her!!
jenny lucas wrote:Florida sounds fab! Hope you all enjoy it! Don't forget to 'turn left' at the theme parks as apparently most people turn right, and so the queues are a tad shorter on the 'turn left' direction.....

Please do ensure that whatever happens with your dad when you are away, you 'leave him to it' ...including hospitalisation (or worse....) if it happens.

When my friend had a 'holiday of a lifetime' (thousands of miles from home) she basically 'made terms' which were that 'if my dad dies while I'm away with my children, so he dies'......her rushing home would change nothing, and that was that.

That may sound harsh, but it is true - if your dad needs hospitalisation, then not having you there won't make any difference to the outcome, good or bad......

This holiday is for you, your wife, and your kids, and they will remember it all their lives! It's really important they have it unspoilt and uninterrupted.

All the best for it - KR, J
Ha ha - not sure about the turn left thing!

Thing is if hes hospitalised I wont even know if its genuine! Past experience has shown its possible to get admitted sometimes even when you're not that unwell. Seems sometimes doctors do it "just in case" to cover themselves.

If he passes away.... Hmm difficult one. At least he cant fake that! Dunno - I've never really thought about it to be honest. If it was near the end - i.e last few days then probably not. Dunno how I'd be. I'd probably have to come home if it was near the beginning. More because stuff would have to be sorted etc. One option would be to come home on my home of course.

Wife Dad passed away when we were in Florida. But this was 15 years ago so we had no kids. It was all quite sudden too. Wifes mother was in a state so we had to come home pretty much.

We did fly home next day (airline were great and got us home for free). But I remember we couldnt claim that much on insurance (and they were a nightmare).
bowlingbun wrote:But did she abandon them, or did he take them. That's what my grandmother did, whilst my grandfather was at work, she moved out and took dad with her!!
Ha ha hmmm. Theres a good point. I dont think so - we were all in Canada at the time living there. When we were home we had a good relationship with mothers family (inc my gran, and aunties). Cant imagine them being so if it had all been dodgy.
jenny lucas wrote:It's unthinkable to imagine a mother abandoning her children, but clearly it is possible.....there is nothing that can be said, really, in her defence, is there? Perhaps extreme mental illness, but otherwise?
Thats what I always think. This was 1972 as well. Surely, unless the mother gave consent, there would be no way a father would get custody like this?

No mental illness as far as I'm aware. My Dad doesn't speak about it but I think it was a case of she wanted a divorce - there was someone else involved, Dad didn't. In the end, he agreed if the kids came home back to uk with him. She agreed apparently. She was young at the time (although not that young) but you make your choices..

Probably seen her 3/4 times in 45 years. I don't hold a grudge its just the way life has worked out. I've got my own family so am not used to having her in my life. Shes like an Auntie you rarely see to me now.

Shes made a few attempts to contact me over the years. Some I responded to some I don't. These days I don't bother. It goes in phases it seems, and she loses interest after a bit. One time she got a bit nasty with me about sending a picture of my daughter or not - which I thought was a bit rich considering.
Surely my Dad is not alone in not being willing to do anything to help himself? Hes totally negative about everything, as if he likes things being screwed up and difficult. You try to sort things out and he just moans about it. There is just no chance of him making an effort to help himself. Even more so if hes got to spend even £1.

This week, he got invited to go on holdays to spain with his cousin. He said no because:-

1. He wouldn't be able to get insurance - hasn't even tried or asked me to look into it.
2. He wouldn't be able to walk onto the plane - how does he think people in wheelchairs who can;t walk at all manage?
3. I can't walk around so would need a wheelchair - yes I can get one.

Then hes moaning hes stuck in the house! Jeez. He wants me to take him out this weekend. I said OK I will but wife is working so I'll have youngest with me. As such, we need to do something for her too. Theres a nice country park with kids area he likes. But for some reason hes moaning he doesnt want to go there- I told him tough luck. Once again he sees my kids are a hinderance.....

I hope I won't be like that when I;m older. Why on earth wouldnt you look to see whats available to help you as you get older? I fully intend to do be doing as much as I can until the day I die. You can sleep when you're dead.

Dad seems intent on slowly rotting away stuck at home...
My mum was the same. If I want to do something I'll do anything to get there. Mum was the opposite, so many obstacles meant she too was housebound and bored. You'll never change him, just need a thicker skin I'm afraid.
Don't be afraid to say "It's your own fault dad, you turned down my offer, so I don't want to talk about it any more".