Dad and illness

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Hes 82 now. At the moment, every single slight illness makes him unhappy. Even a cold and he thinks hes dying. The other day hes telling me hes blocked up and hes thinking of calling the GP out again!

I know Im probably going to hell for this but I often pray that when he goes, he goes quickly, and doesn't spend years with a real illness which will be hell for him.
Paul - we ALL pray that, for our parents and for ourselves! No one wants to be ill for a long time.....

It certainly won't get us to hell, thinking that!

I pray every night my poor stricken MIL will go to sleep, and not wake in the morning. It would be a true kindness for her to 'let go' now. Dreadful, but true.
Off on holidays in less than 4 weeks. Fully expect Dad to get progressively illler as we get closer. He did the same last year.

Expected me to call him every day (I didnt). Not so easy when theres a time difference and Im actually doing stuff with the kids. He had a right strop when I got home.

I do wonder if hes ever going to pull a serious one just before I go. I reminded him recently and his first comment was "hope Im better before you go" (doubt it dad since its all in your head anyway)
Wouldn't put it past him to be honest. I wouldn't know if it was serious or not to be honest.

I've got travel insurance so it covers things like close family illness etc. Not sure how serious it needs to be. But of course, there's not just the cost, there's the fact that my kids would be let down. If he ever did this I would not be happy to say the least!
Perhaps there is a valid element of fear of coming down with another bout of pneumonia, difficulty swallowing, etc.

Mum has been extremely cautious about walking on uneven pavement, pointing out each little crack in the pavement or fear of walking in the garden. She never wanted to fall and fracture herself.

I agree that it's not about the ready meals but the attention and control.
Rosemary_1706 wrote:Perhaps there is a valid element of fear of coming down with another bout of pneumonia, difficulty swallowing, etc.

Mum has been extremely cautious about walking on uneven pavement, pointing out each little crack in the pavement or fear of walking in the garden. She never wanted to fall and fracture herself.

I agree that it's not about the ready meals but the attention and control.
He never had pneumonia - he had a chest infection which lingered a bit. It then morphed into who knows what, I lost track in the end. Knees hurting and this being unable to swallow thing. Each "complaint" a doctor came out, checked him over and took appropriate action. For each complaint he made more of it than it was and just did not want to wait for it to sort itself out or wait for hospital appointment.

I even suggested I could sort him a private appointment. I could sense inner turmoil here with his current behaviour of not spending money! Anyway he refused. I lost a bit of interest when he was moaning he was dying and couldn't wait for a hospital appointment but refused to pay £150 for a private referral (£150 is a drop in the ocean for him).

In the end, he has some sort of hospital appt for something. He came over and all these illnesses disappeared overnight.

Recently he had a cold. Not even that bad to be honest. But he was blocked up, was uncomfortable sleeping (i.e. normal symptoms). I fully understand that if you;re 82 it cant be nice but GPs are limited to what they can do (but didnt stop them fiving him ABs twice to shut him up). This time he called GP out to visit him twice.

I'd speak to him one day and he'd be dying, next day he was fine and happy. Next day back down again.
Same again this week. Mobile rang sunday morning - which I know is pretty much a sign of him checking to ensure I was visiting.

This weeks excuse - hes had a letter he doesnt understand. I didnt visit - I had lots of other things on. He was not happy.
He really is getting worse now. Hes constantly moaning about something. Now its his legs.

Hes had a knee replacement on one and the other one is bad too. He is 82 though. Doctors and consultant (one of the top surgeons in the area) have all told him there is nothing else to be done except painkillers.

He refuses to take co-codamol. Take paracetamol sometimes. Despite being told he thinks all tablets you can get addicted to! Co-codamol "bungs him up". GP has offered something to help with this but he doesnt want to do this.

Im taking co-codamol for my shoulder and it helps. Times like this I think its not that bad if you won't take what the GP recommends.

At the moment, he refuses to make any effort to help himself. He expects it on a plate. Because hes "ill" he wont go anywhere as well. I've invited him out. Yes I appreciate its painful but he just wont make any effort.

Hes moaning he cant carry the shopping home. Im not driving 50 miles round trip when he wants shopping every other day! Ive been going on about home shopping. His latest excuse - Will they carry it up the stairs from front door for me? Probably. I dont like that because if they say no I'll have to carry it!!!!

Aaarghhh still damn site closer than carrrying it from the shop half a mile away!

Its just so frustrating that he makes no effort to help himself!
Paul, I remember when you first came to the forum, you've come a very long way. You know that whatever dad does is basically attention seeking, there is nothing seriously wrong with him, other than being old. Frailty is the price you pay for old age.
Your family need and deserve you to feel free and happy on holiday. Is there any reason why you can't leave your phone at home when you go? Does your wife have a mobile?
You know that however many times dad invents reasons for you to visit, he has another son, hopefully the sun is still shining out of his girlfriends ****? If you were living the other end of the country, or the other side of the world, dad would have no option but to manage without you. He is lucky to have you at all. Now is the time for "remission due to good behaviour".
This is the time to focus on your wife and family. Have a lovely time, the break will do you all the world of good, and it will soon be too late to enjoy their childhood, it passes so, so quickly.
bowlingbun wrote:Paul, I remember when you first came to the forum, you've come a very long way. You know that whatever dad does is basically attention seeking, there is nothing seriously wrong with him, other than being old. Frailty is the price you pay for old age.
Your family need and deserve you to feel free and happy on holiday. Is there any reason why you can't leave your phone at home when you go? Does your wife have a mobile?
You know that however many times dad invents reasons for you to visit, he has another son, hopefully the sun is still shining out of his girlfriends ****? If you were living the other end of the country, or the other side of the world, dad would have no option but to manage without you. He is lucky to have you at all. Now is the time for "remission due to good behaviour".
This is the time to focus on your wife and family. Have a lovely time, the break will do you all the world of good, and it will soon be too late to enjoy their childhood, it passes so, so quickly.
I suppose so BB - I have realised since I started how he does things. Hes relentless though - it drains the life out of me completely. I'm constantly having to make excuses/make little white lies etc. He just wont give up with his attempts to get what he wants.

Its just not right. I'm starting to dread talking to him/going to see him. He just constantly annoys me.

Holiday is in two weeks. Fully expect his illness to ramp up in the next two weeks. As I said before, I wouldnt put it past him to get himself into hospital the day before I left. He'd do that. Of course, I couldn't cancel holiday because theres nothing wrong with him and I'd never get a letter from hospital saying so. If he EVER pulled that one I think it'd be the end of it for me.

He was "ill" last year on holiday. Wasn't happy I phoned him every 3-4 days. He expected me to phone him every day and said so. Of course, 5 hour time difference made it awkward and also the fact that I was actually on holidays with the kids!
One thing thats been on my mind recently. Not sure if I said before, my parents divorced when I was 3 (lived in Canada at the time). Dad came home with me and younger brother. Must have been tough in the early 70s for a single Dad. Didn't see much of mother and still don't.

I always used to think "good old Dad" and never bothered with mother thinking she didn't have to let us go. Dad has always said he asked to have us and she agreed. Then apparently never bothered with us.

However, and I'm hoping its just because hes got older, he is now the most self-centred, selfish person you could ever meet. I've got 2 kids - one is only 4. He is not interested in the slightest. Once he even moaned that I'd brought daughter with me because he wanted me to do something for him.

When I told him wife was pregnant he even criticised. Said we were too old etc. Basically I dont think he liked the fact that it was something else to take my focus off him.

Even now, he is not in the slightest bit interested in any issues the rest of my family have. He has to come first.

How can someone be like this? I often wonder if there was more too it in terms of when my parents divorced. I guess people are different when they get older. But I can't see the current Dad ever doing anything like this - now he'd be sod that its a bit of hassle for me I wont bother.

Maybe I'm doing his a diservice here - I'll never know I guess. Of course, trouble is he does hold this over me a bit now - I struggled to bring you up so I need you're help now.