Any Advuce?

Share information, support and advice on all aspects of caring.
I am sorry to be coming to this forum once again when things aren't great but I don't have anyone else to speak to- I hope you understand. I also really value the advice that I have been given in the past.. I help care for my dad who is severely disabled and terminally ill( he also has a carer who is paid for through direct payments) . I look after him at the weekends and the carer helps him in the week when I am at work (full time and unfortunately very stressful at the moment). I adore my dad - I am an only child and we don't have any other close relatives. He Is completely brilliant, really inspirational , kind and fun - he never complains about the unfortunate circumstances that he has found himself in and makes the most of each day. I , on the other hand, seem to cry at the slightest thing and can be very irritable. Tonight, for example, after a lovely day Dad had a toileting accident and I, without any warning lost it and told him off shouting how he should have listened to me and gone to the toilet earlier. I was being completely unfair,he didn't choose to be incontinent. I love him so much and was moritified when I calmed down. He said he forgave me and loves me a lot but I just feel so awful. What kind of person would do something like that to someone, let alone the person in the world that you love the most. I don't know how I can be a better person. What can I do to be more patient and kinder? I love him so much and want to make him happy but feel I keep ruining everything, Has anyone ever experienced anything like this and , if so how did you improve things? I would be so very grateful for any advice. Thank you.
Faye, it's not your dad you're angry with - it's that he's so ill, and frail, and nearing towards the end of his life...THATS's what you are 'lashing out' at. NOT your dad.

He knows that, truly he does....never think he doesn't. He knows he's got a WONDERFUL daughter who will stick by him 'to the very end'....and beyond.....

So please please don't beat yourself up when your anger at what is happening to him 'overflows'.....he knows it isn't truly at him.

You've made your peace with him, so please, put it aside now, and look forward to what GOOD things will be happening this coming week. Keep your 'time horizon' short - don't look too far ahead. When my husband, some years ago now, was diagnosed terminal, we made a point of having 'little things' to look forward to and enjoy. I can vividly remember my birthday coming up, and he had some more treatment due, and I didn't want to open a bottle of bubbly for my birthday until his treatment was 'out of the way'....and he told me 'We must enjoy what we can, while we can - so open the bubbly!'. We did, and I look back now and was SO glad I did......it's now a precious memory for me....

So do try and ensure that there is 'something lovely and memorable' each and every day, however little, whether it's just you and he sharing a cup of tea, or having a chat, or looking out over the garden, or exchanging memories of your childhood...just something, every day.

This is very special time for you - haunted by sadness, and tense with stress and fear, so allow yourself some slack, eg, for when that stress 'bursts out' as it did over that iincident you were telling us. Don't waste ANY of this precious time you have with you dad in regretting your outburst.....

Kindest wishes to you now, and go easier on yourself. You're coping fantastically, even if you think you aren't, and your dad knows this, and really, really values you, I'm sure.

All the very best for the coming week -Jenny
Hi Faye
It's just stress and sadness bursting out, probably because you've been keeping them penned inside.
It good you can come here to express and vent, but better still would be some one to one talking support, either amateur through friends or professional in the form of counselling. If Dad is terminally ill there may be something available to you via Macmillan nurses or the local hospice. Your local carers support may know of someone too.
You can also access a counsellor privately at about £45 a session. I've found it totally worth it in days off work saved and just in feeling better.
You have a lot to cope with at the moment and its good to share the load ☺

Kr
MrsA
Faye, you are only human. You are juggling a job, care of your Dad and dealing with the emotional impact of your Dad bring terminally ill. It's only natural that you occasionally lose it. However you apologised, your Dad understood and forgave you, so let it go and focus instead on the lovely day you shared.

Melly1
Hi Faye,
Working full time in a stressful job is a lot to deal with on top of coping with your Dad's illness. Don't be embarassed about seeking some help from GP either in the form of tablets to take the edge off or talking therapy. Is there any chance of cutting back work wise, taking leave or reducing hours temporarily? Be kind to yourself.
Hi Faye - as others have already said please don't feel guilty - you are only human, with human emotions.

I think that more Carers 'lose the plot' than would like to admit it; I know I certainly did when I was caring for my Mum. As Jenny says, it's the illness you are raging at, not your lovely Dad.

"No amount of guilt can change the past.
No amount of worry can change the future.
So turn the page and start a new chapter."
I did a similar thing the other day (although I still think it was deserved) and have been fighting my emotions ever since. I'm glad I'm not alone as you will be glad to learn that you aren't alone. :(
I never underestimate how difficult caring must be for those us who do not have, erm, a 'free and frank' :whistle: relationship with their caree's.

Sounds like you doing you're level best Faye in v challenging circumstances. No-one can ask any more.

GFR
Thank you all so much for your kind and supportive words- it really means a lot. Unfortunately last week my father had a fall and was admitted to hospital with pneumonia. They have put him on a course of antibiotics and he seemed to have picked up. However yesterday there weren't any beds available for him to have Dialysis so he's going to have to receive it today as an emergency case. His wonderful renal consultant said she thinks his health is detiorating. I just can't bare it. I adore my dad and just want to protect him and make him well but I can't. Dad, very unusually, was in tears saying he didn't want to leave me alone. I had to be strong and reassure him but I'm completely broken. Can't stop crying , can't sleep, not able to do even basic things when I'm not with him. It's just so wretched - I don't know how I'm going to cope. Unfortunately I haven't been able to find any counselling support in my area or for Dialysis patients but am going to keep looking. Anyway thank you for your help and advice.
Faye, ask your GP to sign you off work, you are not fit to work like this. The GPshould be able to recommend a counsellor privately, for you to see. No one is indispensable. Has the GP sorted out the NHS Continuing Healthcare yet? Don't spoil whatever time you have left with dad.