A difficult subject-End of life

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147 posts
Mads I am glad that you were able to have that peaceful time with your Dad as he passed.

On the 'practical' side here are a few things to consider:

a) have a look here http://www.ageuk.org.uk/Documents/EN-GB ... ?dtrk=true

b) Did Dad have a Funeral Plan ? If not you'll probably have to speak to the bank about releasing funds before Probate is granted - a fairly basic funeral is around £3500 - £4000 these days.

c) You won't actually 'own' Dad's house or any of his property (including savings/bank accounts) until Probate is granted - until it is they are part of 'The Estate'; depending on the total value of property and savings there may be inheritance tax to be paid - as you were out of the UK and, I suspect, out of touch with UK inheritance legalities for so long I would suggest that you get a Solicitor to help you with the Probate papers as they can be a bit daunting. Although if you do decide to 'do it yourself' the advisers at the Probate Office are very helpful.

d) The banks/building societies/land registry/DWP/Council/Utilities etc will all ask for 'original' copies of the death certificate. You have two options either get enough copies for them all to have one each or just get a couple and send it first to one company, wait for it to come back and send it to the next etc - but that will drag out the process as none of them are that quick to respond and return it.

If I can be of any help with any specific questions please feel free to pm me.
And to add to that, as I'm a few weeks further down the line, once you have informed them of his death your Dad's bank will freeze his account until probate is granted but will be happy to provide bank cheque from the account to cover the funeral expenses.
Mads,what beautiful and very moving words.
Thinking of you.xx
Mads, So Moving, Im not very good with words but i have been thinking of you a lot today , sending love to you & your Lad xx
thanks Susie-Juggler.

i hope to cut costs on the funeral as best i can - i dont see the need for all the expected rigmarole - just want the basics - if it takes so much for a cremation to occur - there is no need for an extra ceremony/coffin/etc...sort of thing. (wondering if they could cremate dad before the funeral service at his local church rather than afterwards to save on coffin fees...)

I realize I have a very different attitude to most people and I probably sound heartless, but to me its not dad - its a body that used to house dad - dad isnt in it, so the body isnt important any longer...only dad in his new form matters to me. I would rather focus on seeing if dad is reborn as a creature in the garden that he was so attached to over the coming months... see if any bird, frog, hedgehog, etc is unafraid of me or tries to come into the house...and then make his new life comfortable and easy for him... rather than waste money on adding some flash to the ceremony for the 'old clothes' he once wore... if any of you can understand that...
I know what you mean Mads. It seemed to me that Dad was gone at least 24 hours before his body gave up. From that point he was with Mum. We just had to wait for his body to run down. When I walked away from his corpse I felt no need to go back...though I did, as the doctor confirmed death, the nurse laid him out and before the undertaker took over.

Similarly, his funeral felt like a ritual for others rather than something I needed. Organising it gave me a focus and pushed me into talking to lots of people which was probably good for me, but, as I said on here on the morning of the funeral, I'd have happily been elsewhere that day as 'Dad' had left two weeks before.

Strange times...
Mads, I understand. I was with my beloved MIL, holding her hand when she died, and for me too her body was not her. I like the expression "old clothes" - I rather think that sums up how I feel too.
BTW we had a church service after the cremation so it is quite possible.
Wish we'd had a church service after mum in laws cremation, then we could have had a little reception for all her old friends, as she'd been an active member of the church and WI since 1947! The church was packed, but then we had to drive to the crem. 25 miles away.
I feel that unless anyone specifically wants to attend a cremation ceremony/view the body before its cremation, putting the cremation first would be best - as well as cheapest. Glad some of you get me rather than appear horrified at my belief... Image
Mads, I understand.
For both Mum & Dad it was a simple service at the crem, this was done more for our large family to say their goodbyes.
This may sound wrong to some, and I apologise if it does, but I come from a huge family, we only all get together at weddings/birthdays/funerals so once our goodbyes are done, we get to the pub, drink, chat, laugh, and someone always brings old photo's. We all just seem to lift each other.

I am not religious, didn't get married in church, didn't have the kids christened, but I do believe there is more to death than finality, I see a Robin or beautiful butterfly and say Hello to Mum, I hear a piece of classical music and imagine Dad floating with the notes as if to conduct with his whole presence.
Whether this is just my mind wanting to believe, or my heart needing to, no matter, it gives me peace.
xx
147 posts