Me again, and again!!

For issues specific to caring for someone with dementia.
OMG! out of the frying pan and into the fire

He went to his daughters, I went to my family up north.

I came back on Wednesday and he came back on Thursday.

Refreshed?????

Not a bit of it

He has come back totally depressed, on top of the dementia, on top of the stoma, on top of everything.

The doctor has arranged for a Mental Health Assessment here on Thursday anyway, and I am wondering what might the result of that be, never having had one before......

On the plus side, I have bullied him into taking a shower - first in 2 months.

I HATE writing all this stuff because I really really want to write about something cheerful happening to us, as it is he is sat in the chair all day not really watching TV and not wanting to converse, he is even going off eating.

His brother is coming to see us next week - he is often out of the country, but is very worried about our situation.

sorry, me sounding off again.... now where is that page about stories and poems, I am going to put something on that......... I have a half written book somewhere......
Mary, there is no need to apologise for coming back, you are in a hugely difficult sitation, a bit like a volcano waiting to blow, powerless to get off the mountain and run, right now. Don't avoid us, you know that there are others at different stages of the same awful journey here.
It does sound like he is getting worse fairly quickly.
Sometimes I have known elderly people have major surgery and it's not the actual operation which seems to make them plummet down hill, but the anaesthetic. This happened to a cousin of my mum, in a dementia home within months, although fairly OK before the operation. Ask the assessor coming to see your partner if this might have accelerated something.
Did you get any feedback from the daughter?
Good that you managed to get into the shower. What strategy finally worked?
I hope his brother gives you some support, even if it's "permission" to consider residential care.
Try to carve a little bit of "me" time for you.
The strategy that finally worked was in conjunction with the very pleasant male carer that comes here twice a week. I told him last Friday that the poor ould fella would not shower because he was worried that his stoma bag would come off.. .. and he had not had a shower for nearly 2 months....

Carer suggested that POF could have a shower without a bag on.

I thought about this, and TOLD not asked TOLD the poor ould fella that this morning he was going to do that whilst the carer was here, and then the carer would put the bag back for him. Carer prepared bathroom in case of accidents


POF was very grumpy about it indeed, but I repeated that this was what was going to happen whether he wanted to or not.

IT WORKED!!

Of course, part of it all is me, realising that I no longer 'ask' - but I 'tell'.
:woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo: :woohoo:
Of course, part of it all is me, realising that I no longer 'ask' - but I 'tell'.
Mary as dementia advances it's useless to 'ask' or to give a choice - i.e "would you like tea or coffee ?"
as they cannot process the question to give you an answer. The recommended way forward is to make the tea or
coffee and say "here is your drink" - has to be a fair accompli !

Ditto with a bath or shower - not "will you have a bath/shower today ?" but "it is bath/shower day today".
Welcome back Mary. Good for you, telling not asking!
My journey is taking a dip too. Try to prepare myself, but it always feels like a kick in the stomach.
Remember, whatever you say or do, it comes from the right place, even if you feel it's turns out to be negative.
I wonder if seeing his daughter made him remember 'happier times' from his younger self, which then contrasted painfully with the way he is now?

The journey and stay in itself may have confused him???

Do you think him 'picking up' again now he's back 'home' with you?

Good you got the carer to shower him. Again, I agree with the 'tell' don't ask, and 'no choice'.

All so, so difficult. All best with the assessment, and with your BIL.....the more folk who see him as he so sadly now is, the better.

Kindest regards as ever, Jenny
Good to see you back Mary- you have been missed. Celebrate the small triumphs.
thank you one and all - I had felt a little defeated when I returned, as some good folks said I might -
it seems 'our' real life is not everyone else's 'real life' !!!
ah but we get on with it!! thank you again xx
Sometimes I have days when I think "the world will have to manage without me today" and I deliberately do as little as possible because I get depressed when I'm tired, mentally and/or physically. I know you can't do that as I can when my son isn't here, but do ask yourself if what you are doing is strictly necessary. When I was a teenager I had a dear friend, himself slightly disabled, who said "Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow"
Sometimes as carers, we need to think of Frank's advice!
bowlingbun wrote:
Tue Oct 17, 2017 8:52 pm
Sometimes I have days when I think "the world will have to manage without me today" and I deliberately do as little as possible because I get depressed when I'm tired, mentally and/or physically. I know you can't do that as I can when my son isn't here, but do ask yourself if what you are doing is strictly necessary. When I was a teenager I had a dear friend, himself slightly disabled, who said "Never do today what you can put off till tomorrow"
Sometimes as carers, we need to think of Frank's advice!
Yes, indeed - we need to be kind to ourselves - I keep glaring at my Tax return - and I don't think I can put that off much longer..... hopefully won't have to pay much this year, :S