I am mentally ill

[Clare13]

Past year I have been a carer to my dad with stress/anxiety.
I have no experience of the elderly or dealing with someone with mental health.
All the way through all this I've had no support apart from his 3 carers a day doing meals and medication.
I ended up giving up my job and recently moved him to a new sheltered with extra care.
I have been mentally strained as it doesn't matter how much I tell him he just needs to be positive but his obsession with illness eating talking sleeping illness has now made myself mentally ill.
I thought I could make him well but in his head he thinks the doctor can give him a miracle cure. His whole life is revolved around illness and won't try to join in social activities and chooses to lie in bed talking about illness.
I've had a breakdown and now I fear for myself because that trigger in my mental state is making me just go off as I'm trying to escape.
I've had mental health issues myself but my dad is putting me into a bad place.
I actually need to hand my duties to someone else as I feel he's not getting any better and my presence has actually deteriated him as he's relying on me for company, rather than using the people that are at extra care.
What can social services do to help take all this from me.
I did ask a family member to take over if they wish and they declined. I am no good being a carer when I can't look properly after my own mental state. Especially when I have no control when it triggers off.
Please how do I hand my duties over. Who takes him to the doctors, his shopping and control of his finances.

[bowlingbun]

Clare, you have done enough, it is time to withdraw from his care. I recognise many of the things you say, my mum was on one level really sweet and polite to all her carers, doctors etc. but a different person at times with me, expecting me to do anything and everything she couldn't. Even when I was waiting for two knee replacements after a car accident that nearly killed me, she just didn't seem to see that I too was disabled! On the verge of a total breakdown I had counselling. I was made to realise that I was still behaving like a little girl, trying to please mum, never saying "No" because good girls don't do that, etc. etc. I'm sure counselling specifically aimed at your relationship with dad, would help hugely. We are all responsible for our own happiness, and that means dad is too. Give up any idea of "making dad happy" because it just won't happen. He's past that stage I'm afraid.
Would you like to tell us more about him? How old is he? What does he needs carers 3 times a day for?

[jenny lucas]

In haste, apols. Just to remind you that you have NO legal duty of care whatsoever for your dad - that may seem 'harsh' but it is true. If you tell SS you are no longer going to be involved, they CANNOT make you do anything for him. They either have to provide more care-workers for him, or have him 'taken into care' - if he has funds then he may have to pay for himself, but this is NOT your concern!

There are times when we do indeed need to 'step away' for the sake of our own sanity and self-preservation.

Sadly, only those who want to 'feel better' themselves do so. We cannot 'force' other people to be happy if they persist in being unhappy. You've done your best - your dad will not cooperate. Time to say 'Enough' and focus on your own self-preservation.

Maybe your family know your dad is a 'hopeless case' and so don't want to get sucked in??

Anyway, time to stop, and look after yourself.

Take time out, go for walks in the summer countryside/parks, breathe deep, and gradually, slowly 'come back to you' (as the advert for tea says!).

If you can plan a little 'get away' that might help. It would give you something to look forward to plus simply being physically 'somewhere else' can put a perspective on matters and create a kind of 'fire break' from a troubled situation.

Wishing you a better future, Kind regards, Jenny

[Clare13]

He's 77. I gave up work as I thought I could concentrate on him getting over his illness. It's stress and anxiety with all the effects of muscles, dizziness, but mentally it's a obsession of talking about illness all the time. I have explained over and over it can be overcome if he makes big efforts.
Thank you so much for your answers. I do need to get myself mentally better. I am totally exhausted and when you start thinking of running away it's not good. I did drive of last week in a state when I should have been going there. Took me ages to mentally pull myself together. I was hating every call. I hating going there as it was driving me insane. Because I'm my own mind if I feel stressed with anxiety I push harder to pick myself up. He has no drive.
Thanks again I need to start being a daughter again and let the SS help him. Fingers crossed he might try and get back to a normal life again if he's not relying on me to entertain him.

[bowlingbun]

Absolutely, give up any thought of being an "Entertainment Officer" that is not your role. Maybe it's a role he wants to give you, but what he wants, and what he's going to get, are very different.
I'd also suggest that you give up discussing illness. It will take time to manage his expectations, and you will have to be firm to wean him off expecting you to do so much.
It sounds like you are visiting too much. You don't have to visit all the time. I always tried to visit my mum once a week (I also have a son with learning difficulties and health problems of my own). If I visited more often mum would "save" jobs for me to do,when she had 3 carer visits a day, and a gardener, and a girl to do her shopping and ironing.
So sit down and develop a plan about how often you think is fair to visit. Does he call you a lot on the phone? Put your answerphone on and leave it on. Sadly, his health is unlikely to improve, but more likely to deteriorate, so you need to stand firm. We will give you all the help and support we can.

[Raun_1703]

Hi Clare, you tried to make two lives better but not it comes to you so if dad is not willing to change then you should not sacrifice yours. Try not to stress yourself our plan out ways to obtain the best possible outcomes. Wish of better times ahead

[jenny lucas]

I agree with Raun - if your dad doesn't want to change and become positive no amount of effort or cajoling on your part will change him. Alas, the shrinks are right when they say the lightbulb has to want to change itself.... (sigh)

So if you can't improve his outlook, give up. It's his life, his call. His choice in the end. Hard to accept but true, we cannot 'force' those we love to be happy.

Ironically, you know, you might find that 'someone else' DOES have more influence over him that you. Remmber that to him you are just his daughter, his 'little girl' and how can you possibly 'know more than him' etc etc. He is unlikely you know to take any notice of you - you can't possibly 'know better than him' can you?!!!


As for the deep deep reluctance to visit him - oh, that rings bells with me! Before I 'put my MIL in a home' (and got my life back, sigh, poor soul that she is)(92 with now advanced dementia), I used to drive up to Scotland to see her - 400 miles. I spent over six months driving up every two weeks, bringing her back to stay with me for a month, then getting a desperately needed fortnight 'off' when I drove her back and left her in her flat (it became impossible - she just could not look after herself and turned away the care-workers I booked - she just wanted ME). But I can remember one time crossing the border, and at the next service station I turned off the Motorway. I think I would have given ten thousand pounds to be able to turn around and head south again. I SOOOOO did not want to go and fetch her back south to me again.....

And even when she did move south, and she was in a care home near me, I had her over for sleepovers, and I was driving across to her one afternoon and, again, this time I actually did turnaround and head back home. I just 'couldn't face it' .....

It feels awful, and guilty, and so cruel and mean and selfish, but I just did NOT want to spend time with her.....

So I do completely and absolutely feel for you in the driving off in the other direction from where your dad is.....