Care Home or Hospitalisation

[Helen_170212]

Hello,

I was hoping for some opinions/advice please.

My mother has treatment resistant clinical depression. In the last 5 years she has had over 10 hospital stays. She has been on many tablets and has had many rounds of ECT to no avail.

My mother, my husband and myself think that she needs to go back in to hospital as she is constantly suffering on a daily basis. For example, saying things such as I'd rather be dead, I want to die, and that she would rather have a terminal illness, and continually crying and breathing unusually. This goes on all day, every day.

Her psychiatrist said he will not admit her to hospital she will have to go to a care home. I don't really agree with this.

Anybody been in this situation? I would appreciate any advice.

Thanks,
Helen

[Colin_1705]

How old is she please.

Wcould she be funding herself ?

The psychiatrist is probably only saying that he would not admit her because there are no beds available

[Colin_1705]

Just an extra thought. Depending on her age some of the Elderly MH facilities are not pleasant environments to be blunt about it

[Helen_170212]

She is 70. Council will provide funding for full time care.

[Colin_1705]

Based on my family experience from 5 or 6 years ago,

I would suggest that you start visiting homes now to select the best one as they can vary

[Helen_170212]

Yes we have found a home we are currently self finding for a few days a week.

[jenny lucas]

May I ask a difficult question (no need to answer it though!)?

How much 'time and attention' from yourself does your mother's condition require from you? I hate to use the term 'burden' but that is probably the one lurking 'unsaid' in the background alas. Having a parent with MH is not easy (I know that myself!) (long over now, and luckily for her, her latter days were much happier, with grandchildren, and finally accepting meds - which for her did work thankfully).

My point really is this. IF your mum is treatment resistant and IF she is 'perpetually unhappy' as you say she seems to be, and IF she is if not a 'burden' (which is a horrible word) but at least requires constant attention and time from you, and you worry endlessly about her, THEN really, she 'might as well' be in a care home....

I don't say that horridly, but if she is going to be deeply and perpetually unhappy, and 'everything that can be done has been done' then she would surely be better off in a care home simply because that would 'lighten' things for you and your husband? You would know that she is being taken good care of, and you know, she might actually find it 'enjoyable' in the sense of finding other company stimulating and even pleasureable.

And if she doesn't, if she hates her life as much in the care home as at her own home, then does it really make that much difference to her WHERE she is unhappy? But it might make quite a difference to you...

I hope this doesn't sound callous. It's just that in the end, my bro and I 'gave up' on 'trying to make our mum happy' because we finally realised it was beyond our powers ....and that 'acceptance' brought us a degree of peace (as well as profound pity for our troubled mum ) (and our dad that she was 'troubling' alas!)

Wishing you as well as can be - MH is a fearful condition. A 'cancer of the mind' in many ways, and if it truly is treatment resistant, then that is grim indeed.

Kind regards, Jenny

[Helen_170212]

Thanks Jenny. I totally relate to your message.
This has been going on for many years. I am her live in carer now.
She continuously pesters my father day in day out. "will i ever get better", why am i feeling this way", why is this happening to me" The constant suffering of my mother is unbearable for all of us. Its heartbreaking and makes me question the point of life every day.
I care for my dad also. He fell off a ladder in October and has an acquired brain injury. He is OK now just a few memory issues, but needs to be supervised.
I had to leave my education, my job, and my new home with my husband to move back in with them to help as I am an only child. I am young as my parents had me when they were 38 and 40.
I had the choice of putting them both into a care home. However, I found it in my parents best interests for them to stay at home and the social services agree and will provide me with plenty of help if and when I need it. I don't mind caring as it feels natural to me. However I am worried that I will miss out on the career I wanted and children.
My dads family help out a lot. My mother only has me though.
I go home to see my husband and have a break every weekend. My husband comes to my parents house during the week.
Thanks for your reply.