quick jokes

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I changed my i Pod name to Titanic . It's syncing now .

When chemists die, they barium .

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid . He says he can stop any time .

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me .

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down .

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .

They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.

PMS jokes aren't funny, period .

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz .

Energizer battery arrested . Charged with battery .

I didn't like my beard at first . Then it grew on me .

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ?

When you get a bladder infection , urine trouble .

What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds .

Broken pencils are pointless .

I tried to catch some fog . I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest .

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes .

Velcro - what a rip off !

Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !


Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too
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Oh dear,oh dear,oh dear. Image Image Image Image Image
These are Stewart Francis one-liners (Canadian stand up - dry delivery)

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

"I dedicate this show to my dad who was a roofer. So dad, if you're up there...."

I quit my job at the helium gas factory. I didn't like being spoken to in that voice."

"I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment. It's called Man or Myth."

"I want to donate a large amount of money to a rape clinic and I won't take no for an answer."

"There are two types of people I hate .... racists and Norwegians."

"Standing in the park, I was wondering why a frisbee looks larger the closer it gets...then it hit me"

"I went to a Karaoke Bar last night that didn't play any 70s music, at first I was afriad, oh I was petrified"

"My dad has a wierd hobby he collects empty bottles, which sounds so much better than alcoholic"

"My girlfriend say's that I'm afraid of committment....well she's not my girlfriend...more a wife"

"Crime in a multi storey car park....that's just wrong...on so many levels..."
Image Image Image Image very good, love those sort of jokes, I'll see if I can add one or two later. Image
I must give Tim Vine the credit for these.

Belive it or twice as many eyebrows in the world as there are people.

This girl caled Ena. Every time I see herI say, Hi Ena and she laughs her head off.

I'm a paronoid dyslexic. I have a feeling everyone is out to met gee.

I said to the Dr, I feel like the whole world is ganging up on me. He said, hold on a minuet.....Hey lads he's in hear.

I went to the Dr's. He said you've got hyprochondria. I said Oh no not that as well.

This bloke said to me, I'm an herald angel. I thought, ooo, hark at him.

I rang up the local swimming baths, and said, is that the local swimming baths? He said it depends where you'er calling from.

A cowboy walked into a German car showroom. He said Audi

Conjunctivitis.con - that's a site for sore eyes.
Great stuff - Tim Vine is good value .... punchline after punchline! Image
- How do you keep an idiot in suspense?..........(I'll tell you later)

- Beethoven was so deaf, he thought he was a plumber

- Hard work never killed anyone....but why take a risk?

- I was an Atheist, until I realised I was God.

- Doctor tells a man "you've got hypercondria"; man says "not that as well!"

- Sceptics may or may not rule, O.K?

- If you talk to God you're praying - if he talks back you're schizophrenic

- When you wake up in the morning SMILE, and get it over with (W.C.Fields)

- I wouldn't say he's emotional, but he cries if a traffic light is against him

- How many sociologists does it take to change a lightbulb? None, it's the system that needs changing!

- How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the bulb has got to WANT to change...

Famous last words
- "what does this button do?"
- "nice doggie...."
- "pull the pin and count to what?"
- "don't be so superstitious"
- "now watch this!"
Did I read that sign right?
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW


In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)